Kim's Musings

Time flies . . .

2010-05-26T09:49:00.002-04:00

I hadn't realized how much had gone by since I last posted a new blog entry. I have been busy. My last semester was intense. I learned HTML, XHTML, CSS, and JavaScript in one class and in the other, we created soundtracks, sound effects for web sites and learned how to edit/combine/effect our own creations. Both classes had a ton of work but I loved it. The sound class freaked me out at first but then I started to get the hang of it and it all worked out.

The web class was amazing. The final project was our own portfolio website complete with JavaScripted image galleries. I loved it!

I'm taking the summer off so the kids and I can work on the house and the yard. We're planning on selling our homestead and moving on to greener pastures. Here's to staying motivated.

Climate change

2009-10-15T12:14:00.002-04:00

I'm signing petitions and doing what I can to reduce my carbon footprint on the earth. Can the planet be saved or will special interests be able to push their agendas forward with promises of fast profits? I hope the former, I fear the latter.

Summer Grades

2009-08-07T19:45:00.001-04:00

I have an A in Art & Ideology in the 20th Century. My other class, Digital Applications, hasn't posted the final grade yet but I got an A on the final project so I'm fairly certain I did well. Yeah! I feel like I'm really going to get my MFA.

Too long

2009-06-16T11:35:00.003-04:00

I haven't blogged in a very long time. I focused a lot of attention on the class I was taking so I could up my GPA. I'm happy to report that it worked. I'm off academic probation and am currently taking two summer classes. One is an art history class with a philosophy angle and the other is a skills based class with a focus on Photoshop and Illustrator. I'm looking forward to being involved in both. I hope to decide what to do with my major and/or school of choice by mid-summer.

As for the kids, Nicole had a great first year at college and Zach has turned his life around. They are both doing so well. I couldn't be prouder!

An amazing little video

2009-03-20T05:15:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY&feature=player_embedded

Fabulous article

2009-03-06T06:44:00.002-05:00

Criticize Less, Manifest More Good

by
Linda-Ann Stewart

Do you remember how your mother used to tell you, "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything?" Well, unfortunately, she was right. But not just so that you're nice or considerate. Not being critical is actually a spiritual principle. It's the Law of Attraction in action.

Wherever attention goes, energy flows. Whatever you focus on expands, whether it's a positive or negative, and whether it's in your life or the lives of others. Criticism is not only negative, there's usually a lot of force associated with the observation. That power gets the attention of the subconscious. And your subconscious doesn't distinguish between the condemning of others' actions and what's going on in your life.

When you're critical of others, the subconscious recognizes the image you're holding and energy connected with it. Whatever you put your attention on tends to grow because the subconscious thinks you want more of it in your life. When you judge others for some infraction, you're restricting the flow of Universal good into your life. In her audio "Prosperity Plus," prosperity teacher Edwene Gaines tells the story of when she first began attending a metaphysical church. She complained to the minister about every aspect of the service, the people, and the activities. The minister, very kindly, told her something like, "Be quiet. Your highest spiritual lesson right now is not to complain."

The Law of Attraction works by attracting what it is that you have your attention focused on, through feelings, what you think about most, and what image is predominantly in your mind. When you're focusing on what you disapprove of, you're attracting more of that into your life. Your negative feelings and thoughts have shut off your mental magnet for good. Instead the Law of Attraction is bringing you more of what you don't want.

- Ask yourself, "Why do I feel the need to disapprove of that person, situation or thing?"

Some people think that the only way they can feel better is to tear others' down. It makes them feel superior to the ones they're judging. It means that their inner critic is incredibly strong, and they thrust their own feelings of inadequacy on other's to achieve some relief from judging themselves. If this is the case, then you might want to work on your sense of self-worth. List the ways that you criticize yourself, and begin to respond to those statements in a more supportive way.

- Is the situation one that truly needs changing?

Sometimes you need to recognize and acknowledge the 800-pound gorilla in the room before you can decide what to do about it. You don't need to direct hostility towards the gorilla, though. That just perpetuates the situation by continuing to passively observe and judge. Instead, use that energy to be pro-active and determine what you need to do to make it better.

- Put yourself on a criticism diet.

No matter how tempting, don't criticize, condemn, judge, or disapprove of others' statements or actions, or situations or conditions in your life. This helps you become aware of how much you do it, and guides you toward avoiding it altogether.

- Find one thing to appreciate about the person or situation.

To paraphrase what your mother said, "Find one good thing to say about them." If you're stuck in traffic, you can appreciate that you're having time to relax and take deep breaths. Suppose your boss yells at you, give thanks that at least you still have a job. What is one thing that you like or can value about the person or condition?

As you stop criticizing others and condemning situations, you'll notice that your life starts to brighten. Finding something good about it gives the Universe, and your subconscious, the intention to bring something beneficial into your life. The Law of Attraction works whether it's negative or positive. Make the choice to put it to work in a much more beneficial way for you.

"A nationally known hypnotherapist, writer, speaker and coach, Linda-Ann Stewart helps people rediscover their power and sense of self-worth. For a copy of her free ebook, "Secrets To The Law Of Attraction," visit http://www.Cedarfire.com/secretstoloa.shtml "

Grades

2009-03-01T05:38:00.003-05:00

I have received a B on my first full project for the class I'm repeating and I am going to work hard to keep this momentum going. I'm really excited to do well this semester. I have a B+ average in my History of Graphic Design class so both are going well.

Class update

2009-01-19T06:55:00.003-05:00

I did get into the class I need to take. The college decided to offer more sections so I'm very relieved. It is the same professor, however. I've already started working on the projects we'll be tackling this semester and am praying for inspiration and creativity so I can move forward.

A meditation

2009-01-19T06:51:00.002-05:00

I get a daily email from Meditations for Women. Today's was especially good. Here's the link: http://www.meditationsforwomen.com/dailys/925285.html

I love this website because it offers a piece of wisdom every day in small, managable chunks. I share with some of my artist friends at Artella and they love them as much as I do.

2009-01-14T07:07:00.001-05:00

This is an amazing concept!

Introspection

2009-01-04T08:23:00.003-05:00

I have been spending a lot of time with a software program called the Wild Divine/Wisdom Quest. It was put together by Deepak Chopra and offers instruction on energy control and meditation breathing. It's also a phenomenal way to relax. Nicole and I have been fighting over it because we both love it so much. I bought it as a Yule gift for myself and I'm thrilled that she got so much benefit from it. She was really stressed at school last semester so what she's learned from it will help her this spring. I highly recommend it to anyone with an interest in learning to truly relax at your core. It is a spiritual experience not soon forgotten.

Classes

2009-01-02T19:59:00.002-05:00

I finally got ahold of my advisor this week. She wasn't able to get me into the class I need to retake and to make it even better, she can't get me back into the one I dropped to make room for it. Lesson learned - don't jump the gun on dropping classes until you know you can get into the other one. I hope it's offered over the summer or my fall schedule is going to be really messed up. I can't move forward without this class. I sending prayers to the college Goddess.

Grades

2008-12-25T10:12:00.001-05:00

I found out that I got a C- in my Making Ideas Visible class. That means I have to repeat it. I'm a bit more than disappointed but because I want to be a great graphic designer, I'm taking it on the chin. Getting my MFA is really important to me and if I have to repeat the class to do so, I will. I'm not turning tail and running from it.

It's a really uncomfortable place to be though. I have always had really good grades so this hits me deep. I was going through so much on an emotional level this semester so I'm keeping that in mind. I don't want to make this a failure but an opportunity to learn more. Here's hoping.

Imagination

2008-12-23T06:45:00.001-05:00

This came to me in an email this morning. It seemed so profound because I feel like my imagination has left me as of late. I want my creativity back. The stress of daily life has eroded it and I need it. So that means finding a way to dispel all the stress I'm feeling. That means going back to daily meditation.

The semester is over!

2008-12-17T17:07:00.002-05:00

The semester is over and now I await my final grades. I feel fairly confident that I passed the Type Forms class but I'm cutting it really close with Making Ideas Visible. I worked my ass off this past week or two redoing my virtual catalog for that class and even print, bound, and shipped it twice. I made changes after expressing it out on Monday so I did again on Tuesday. In my haste, I forgot to take pictures of either and of course, we have to post them as one of our last assignments. If I get a C, I'll pass so I'm saying a prayer to the Goddess. I do not want to pay $2400 to take it again.

Grad school is expensive and so much work but I'm so glad I'm doing it. I've already learned more than I could have imagined and it's just going to get better as I get further into the program. In the end, I'll have an MFA and will be so proud of myself. So prayers are welcome for a passing grade!

It snowed in the Berkshires!

2008-10-30T17:16:00.002-04:00

I had to get Nicole on Tuesday for appts. here so I drove to North Adams to get her and then came back here for the two visits she had. We hit the mall before we headed back to MCLA. On the Mohawk Trail, somewhere around the Charlemont/Savoy town lines, the rain that had been pelting us all day turned into snow - on October 29th! I couldn't believe it. By the time I turned back toward home, there was about an inch accumulated up in the mountains. I was so surprised and have now decided I will not be moving to the Berkshires. I'm not going anywhere that has snow before Halloween. I think Nicole is beginning to rethink her college choice too.

Musings

2008-09-14T19:29:00.001-04:00

Writing gives me such pleasure but one that I don’t indulge in often enough. My soul aches for the words it does not share, the stories it does not tell. How might I bring these to life when my daily activities don’t give me the time to think, breathe, and write? I want my summer by the sea where I can get lost in the words while I take in the beauty, sounds, and smells of the ocean. How can I wax philosophical when all I have time for is laundry? And I whine whilst I waste precious moments sitting in front of the boob tube. Is it that I don’t have the time or the true passion? It’s probably a little of both.

I also think it’s a fear of failure. I worry that what I write will not be well-received or understood. I doubt my own talent at times. I know that I ache for it so maybe it’s time to write with only me as the audience. I don’t have to share and if I do, it can be with a trusted group of friends that will act as sounding boards, not harsh critics.

It's today

2008-08-31T07:48:00.003-04:00

She's leaving today. In about 2/3 hours I will pull out of my driveway with my daughter. She'll be starting a whole new chapter of her life. I'm excited, worried, happy, scared, etc.

I'm really glad she's taking this opportunity and running with it and I know she's going to be amazingly successful. But will Mom be able to let her baby go?? Stay tuned. . .

One week left

2008-08-24T18:19:00.002-04:00

I have one week left with my beautiful daughter. She's off to college and is anxious to go. I'm happy for her and I know it's time for us to separate.

This past week has been good as well as difficult. I bought a new car on Monday: 2008 Nissan Altima. I am so happy with it. It's an awesome car. But on Wednesday, my washer died mid-load. Now I have to buy a new washer. I went looking today and found a few options ranging from $350 to $600 roughly. I'm thinking I will go for the higher end because those are the front loading washer and they save so much on water, electricity, and the cost of drying the clothes. It'll save me more in the long run than the lower priced machines.

Meanwhile, my son is becoming highly obnoxious again. I am so ready for him to move out but he's only 14. Mothering shouldn't have to be so hard. I'm just so tired of all his crap. I'll leave it at that.

College is coming

2008-08-17T19:58:00.002-04:00

Nicole is leaving two weeks from today for college. I'm both excited and apprehensive. She's my first baby. How can she possibly be old enough to leave home? Ah, but she is. I think I'm ready. I know she is. So is Zach.

My classes start just after Labor Day. I will officially be a grad student, working toward a MFA in Graphic design. Again, I'm both excited and apprehensive. What if I suck?? I'm breathing through the panic.

The good news/bad news for the past week or two is that I had an accident that I was at fault in. It was just a fender bender for the guy I hit. My car on the other hand got crunched. I don't have collision coverage on my insurance because the car is 11 years old. So. . . I'm getting a new car. I am going to lease a 2008 Nissan Altima. Still excited and apprehensive. I haven't had a car payment in 5 years. It's going to be an adjustment but well worth it. It's time I had a reliable car again. Prizmata has seen her better days leave and now she needs a rest. I should be picking it up tomorrow afternoon. Only one problem - I can't find the title to my car and I'm using it as a trade on the Altima. Hopefully they'll wait for the replacement.

Vacation

2008-07-22T14:17:00.004-04:00

I forgot to post about our vacation to Noank, CT. It was amazing. The best part was the day trip we took to Newport, RI. I have a new favorite place in the world. Here's a pic or two.

She's home

2008-07-22T10:27:00.003-04:00

Nicole is back from Ohio. The train was late so I ended up waiting for about 1.5 hours last night picking her up. She had a good time but started right up with the bitching about her brother. I really do think it's time for her to go to college. She has a chance to spend 4 or 5 days up at MCLA in a Leadership Academy. It's worth it to me to pay the $150 to give her some more time away from Zach. Seems like a good move.

While she was gone, I was able to do some cleaning downstairs in the rec room where she had been living for a few years. My daughter is not the cleanest person on this planet. It was overwhelming but I'm glad I was able to get rid of what I was able to accomplish. I had old furniture taken away along with an old water heater. It felt so good to have these large pieces removed from our space. I want to continue with the purging. It's a weight lifted off me as the unneeded items leave.

Nicole's in Ohio

2008-07-18T06:22:00.001-04:00

My beautiful daughter left for her very first solo trip last Friday. She took Amtrak to Cleveland to visit a friend before school starts. It was hard to let her go but with her being 19, I didn't really have a choice. But it was hard. I was scared for her. At the same time, I went to Florida by myself when I was 17 so I knew I had to trust that she was wise enough to be able to protect herself from the predators of the world and she is. I know this. I'm still looking forward to seeing her safely step off the train back here at home. Protective mom much??

She did it!!

2008-06-12T18:19:00.002-04:00

Nicole graduated Friday morning on the beautiful campus of Smith College in Northampton, MA. It rained but that didn't dampen the spirits of the graduates. It was a fantastic day. She earned another scholarship and was the top of her class. How cool is that??

Yesterday I found out I was awarded two scholarships for graduate school totaling $1500 and have been offered an interest free loan of $3000. That covers my first semester. If I keep this up, maybe I can finish my MFA without a shit load of debt. Now that would be amazing.

Grad School

2008-05-27T08:45:00.002-04:00

I have been accepted into the MFA program for Graphic Design at the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, CA. The program is offered completely online so I don't even have to leave home to take classes. Although . . . I am thinking I'd love to go out there for a semester or two. I'm so tired of Western Massachusetts. I believe it is time for a change in my life - a big one. Zach is what keeps me from really being able to make this decision. I have so many support and medical services in place for him and I worry about disrupting that.

He's all for the idea of packing up and moving across country but I know he's not thinking of his therapy, medications, and educational needs so I have to. It sucks to be the responsible one all the time - well, sometimes. I love being their mother and I really enjoy helping them grow to adulthood. I just wish someone else would take on some of the decision making responsibilities once in a while. But that is not going to happen so I have to pony-up and keeping doing what I'm doing.

Nicole is at school picking up her stuff. Last Friday was her last day of school. She is so excited and I am so happy for her. She has overcome so many challenges that would have defeated a lesser person. She's kicked her mental health disorders in the butt and succeeded in spite of them. I am so proud of her. She graduates on June 6th and I will be clapping the loudest that day. She refuses to allow her father to come because she feels he will embarass her. She may be right. I'm staying out of it. She's 19 and can make that choice without my input. He wants to have a party for her and she is not inclined to accept. To her, he's just DNA in her veins. He has no one to blame but himself. He even blew Zach off this weekend and he hasn't hung out with him since Easter. The man is going to alienate both his children if he doesn't grow up soon. I don't expect that happen however. Zach will become as disgusted with him as his sister as David's behavior remains the same. It's hard to forgive myself for the mistake of marrying and having children with that man. I apologize to my children all the time but it hasn't really lessened the guilt and regret. I'm working on it with my therapist though.

So in the meantime, I'm going to focus on the good things happening our lives; my continued education and Nicole's successes. Zach's a work in progress right now. He's 14 so life is sticky. He's so talented though. I hope he can get past this adolescent crap without too much trouble and become the amazing man I know he's capable of.

I did it!!

2008-05-23T01:00:00.003-04:00

Here I am at my college graduation on Saturday. It was the culmination of so many years of dreaming and then putting my energy into doing. I went back to school in the fall of 2004 and on 5/17/08, I became the holder of a Bachelor's degree in Art. The dreaming started in June of 1978 and here, some thirty years later, is the final result. As the Universe would have it, I was accepted into a MFA program for Graphic Design and begin in Sept. This is beyond what I had envision for myself on the day of my high school graduation. But it's here and I am going to revel in it.

Education

2008-04-21T07:25:00.002-04:00

Nicole got a letter from MCLA this past week with the details of her financial aid for the coming academic year. Between her scholarships and grants, her entire education is going to be paid for. It does include work study but that will be more spending money for her. We are both thrilled and relieved and incredibly excited. She's going to do fabulous things with her life and this is just the beginning.

Meanwhile, I got a letter from WSC advising me that the Art Dept. had nominated me for an academic honor. I'll be receiving it tomorrow at a banquet. Nicole is going to go to campus with me even though I have class first. I told my professor that I need to leave early so I'll take the test, pass in my project, and then go to the banquet. I also bought my cap and gown this past week. It's all coming together. Now I just have to get my application for grad school in. I've decided to try for the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, CA. They offer a M.A. in Graphic Design online. I need to work on my portfolio. That will be important to the application process. It will really help if I can graduate Magna Cum Laude though. I'm on target for it. Goddess willing...

Skinner Mountain

2008-04-21T07:17:00.002-04:00

Nicole and I went hiking yesterday. We climbed Skinner Mountain from the base to the summit. I did a lot of whining but I made it to the top. Here's one of the photos I took when I got there. It took us almost an hour to get from up there but it was so worth the hike. Truly, we could have driven but that wouldn't have been any fun, right?? Well, that's what my daughter tells me. I really am glad that I hiked it. It gave me a wonderful sense of accomplishment and the view seemed sweeter because I'd exerted myself to get there to see it.

The mountain sits in Hadley, MA so we were able to UMASS Amherst from the top. We also had a bird's eyeview of the CT River winding its way through the Pioneer Valley. The trees aren't in bloom yet so we were really able to see so much more. What a beautiful view!

The Finale

2008-04-17T23:22:00.002-04:00

It's here. I am amazed. I have received notice from the registar's office that I am graduating next month. After graduating high school in 1978, I have wanted a B.A. and on May 17th, I will be receiving one - finally. It has been a long time coming and I have worked so hard. If my grades stay up, I'll be graduating Magna Cum Laude and I am so proud of myself. I'm receiving an academic honor from the Art Dept. next Tuesday at a banquet on campus. So many good things have happened this year and I am just in awe. It is all finally coming together.

I've even found a grad school that offers graphic design classes online. It's incredibly expensive so we'll have to take it one class at a time but I so glad I found it. Now I just have to get accepted. Oh happy day!

Even Nicole has gotten great news - she was accepted into the college she wanted to go to and they've offered her a four year $2k academic scholarship. I didn't even know public school did that. I'm so proud of her and happy for her. Her graduation is two weeks after mine. We are both so psyched for each other.

Remember Native Americans: Your Strength to Remember

2008-03-11T12:51:00.001-04:00

<a href="http://www.nrcprograms.org/site/PageServer?pagename=remember_strength_quiz"><img src="http://nrcst.convio.net/images/remember/sage_widget.gif" border="0" /></a>

Remember Native Americans: Your Strength to Remember

Classes

2008-02-10T08:58:00.001-05:00

Classes are going really well but I did drop out of one; Anatomy for Artists. The amount of drawing required with my other courses was just not doable. I was behind by the end of the first week. I am loving my Graphic Design and Typography classes. We had to do a paper and presentation last week on a designer. I had chosen David Carson. I rocked it! I created a multi-media AVI file with his work and added an audio track. He's a surfer as well so I used a song by Fallout Boy. It came out great. I also had 3 short movie files that I had found on the Internet and I brought one of his books in as well. Todd, the adjunct who teaches it, was very impressed and I felt so good when it was over. I knew it had gone well. David Carson presentation

A new semester

2008-01-20T07:34:00.000-05:00

Classes start again on Tuesday. I dropped two of my classes that would have been on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I don't have to go in until 2:15PM. I will be there early because I want to add an online art history class to my schedule. I'll still have 5 classes if I do that. It's going to be a busy semester but I will keep in mind that graduation is getting closer all the time as I go through this. I still need to take a lot of basic art classes like pottery and sculpture. Those will be fun and I'm looking forward to them. I'm actually hoping to take one of them this summer but only if it doesn't conflict with the vacation I have planned for me and the kids. We are spending a week in a beach house on the CT coastline. We rented it four years ago and it was fantastic. I can't wait to go again. It's a combo Christmas gift for both kids and graduation gift for Nicole but one that I get to enjoy as well. It's going to be the carrot dangling out ahead as I get work through this semester.

AHA thoughts

2008-01-15T12:37:00.000-05:00

I was reading a quick little inspirational email this morning and from it I realized something; major religions tout that human beings should love our neighbors as ourselves. What if we are? What if the troubles in this world lies in the fact that "we" absolutely hate ourselves? Maybe it's not hate but it sure isn't terribly close to anything like love. More like a resigned acceptance or tolerance.

So then, if we don't value our own lives, our own worth, wouldn't it be easy to drop a bomb on someone else's neighborhood or shot them or steal their food? Doesn't it then feel like it's all about "me"? I have to make sure I have enough and to hell with everyone else.

But when I accept my wonderfulness, I can see it in my neighbor. I can see that person as someone as deserving of good as I am. "They" become "me". Their needs are every bit as important as mine. So I'm thinking we need to begin when children are very young to begin teaching them about their own divinity so they can accept every one's divinity. I'm not sure how we do that. It's a huge task but one that is so important. In this largely patriarchal society, children have the fabulousness driven out of them by their parents, by the educational system, by their faith community. It has to stop. We have to teach them about loving themselves so they can love others and bring that love to all they do.

The other thought I had was about how the human race has abused Mother Earth. It struck me that we are Her cancer, the growth that continues to destroy Her. We are what She needs to heal from. Like a cancer, we started out slow and small but then suddenly, with an amazing speed, we began to spread and destroy everything in our path. We are insidious.

Again, how do we fix this? How do we get this message to the masses so that we can start healing Mother Earth, who gives us everything we need. We are not able to survive without Her so how do we do this? I feel it is imperative that we move on this now. We do need to teach the children but that won't be enough. We have to get the adults in on the act immediately. I'm seeing my path as I write this. It is time for me personally to take action. I hope if you resonant with these ideas that you too will do something about it. I'll post again when I discover how to best carry these messages forward.

Snow Day

2008-01-14T07:02:00.001-05:00

Zach has been home sick for a week and now that he's finally healthy, Mother Nature has decided to blanket us with a foot of snow. So both kids are home today and so am I. It's absolutely beautiful out there. I love the way the snow sits on the branches and tops of fences. The world is coated with white and made new. It looks so perfect.

I went to an opening for a documentary on Currier & Ives this weekend at The Academy of Music in Northampton. The producer is the youngest sister of two of my friends from high school. It was wonderful to see them and a couple of others that I rarely see. Lisa found it difficult to sit in the seats even though the show wasn't that long. I feel bad for her with the back issues.

Nicole enjoyed it and I was thrilled at the opening piece by the theater; my friend Amy Johnquest was in it. She had agreed to be the emcee for a variety show last year that was held at the theater and she played Ed Sullivan. It was so cool to see her on film. Her daughter Astrelle is an actress so she must have gotten it from Amy.

It was a great afternoon to be in Northampton. The weather was great; sunny and reasonably warm for January. I love that city and plan to live there if we don't leave the area completely after I graduate. I am feeling anxious about finishing school because I know it's going to be three more semesters. I had hoped to do it in two but I know I can't handle 2 semesters of 5+ studio classes. It's just too much with work and two kids. So I'm doing my best to relax into the concept of graduating in the Spring of 2009. One more semester won't kill me. I am concerned about my house and car and having the ability to earn enough to repair what's going wrong in them. I will figure it out though. I always do.

Stressing

2008-01-06T15:05:00.000-05:00

I'm stressing over school. I took a literature class based on US Latina writers. I enjoyed it and did really well on the tests and papers that were required. Now the Registrar has me listed without a grade, assuming that I didn't finish the class. I contacted the professor and she told me that she did submit my grade (an "A") so I've asked her to do it again. This is frustrating. If it's not resolved in the next few weeks, the grade becomes an "F". Not cool. This class was one of the last core requirements I had to fill so I want it corrected right away. I'm sure it will be but I'm having a panic moment.

In the meantime, I am trying hard to convince myself not to take on as many classes as I've signed up for (6). Five of them are studio classes so they require 6 hours a week classtime. The 6th class is a one credit self-study so it's not really a big deal but still I'm responsible for completing it. I'm planning to drop the two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I'll have time for work and studying. But I'm delaying graduation by a semester by doing this. I am getting to the point that I want this to be over. I've been back in school since Sept. 2004. Enough is enough. I need a full time job so I can fix my poor old house. It's falling apart around me and I don't have the funds to do what needs to be done.

Ok - I'm done whining. I think I'll go work out and get rid of this anxious energy.

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T08:20:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in my kitchen in blissful quiet. The kids are asleep, the cats are lounging, and I'm reading email. Outside my kitchen window there is a pair of squirrels. They are forgaging in my trash can. My trash is their heaven. It really brings home the idea of perspective. Each creature has their own perspective on this earth and none are wrong, just different. The stale doughnut that I threw away just became breakfast for two hungry animals. How wonderful!

Falling Snow

2007-12-31T08:12:00.000-05:00

The snow fell gently to Earth
Blanketing everything it touched
Making new the landscape
Covering blemishes in white

The world was made new
The ugliness buried
Hope was ignited
Beauty exploded into being

A blank canvas existed
Possibilities bloomed
Heaven fell to Earth
Bringing wonder and awe

Parenting & college

2007-12-02T10:35:00.000-05:00

Zach is giving me a run for my money. He's been home more since the mugging and his last suspension but now he's hanging with a new bunch of guys that I don't know. I'm a little worried. They seem like good kids but I also think they may be smoking pot. I have to keep my eyes open and be vigilant. I know what he's capable of and I so want my brilliant son to live up to his abilities. He's so smart and talented. I would hate to see him waste that on drugs.

School is winding down for the semester but that means projects and papers that are due as well as tests. I'm so stressed. I signed up for 6 classes next semester and I am really rethinking that idea. I wanted to graduate in December of next year but I may just extend my education one more semester so I don't lose my mind. I want it to be over but 6 months more won't delay my career by too much.

School is nearing the end

2007-11-05T06:06:00.000-05:00

I've discovered that I can graduate after two more semesters. I am so excited. I'm worried about a couple of classes that I took at HCC so I've emailed the Registrar's office to be sure that they will be taken as core classes at WSC. As long as they are, I'm golden and I'm looking forward to the end. Well, it will be the end of my Bachelor's. I may go on to graduate school. That's still up in the air but I can do that part time while I'm working and I can take a little time off from school before I decide. Still, the end is in sight.

Autumn craziness

2007-10-18T07:18:00.000-04:00

School is going fast & furious. I do not recommend taking three literature classes in the same semester. It is not easy. I am reading constantly. Plus I'm taking 4 art classes, although 3 of them only meet for one hour a week. They have a lot of homework though. I have to create an animation and a multimedia presentation. Each needs to be at least 30 seconds long up to 5 minutes. The other two classes are Photoshop and Painting 1. We're working on cubism in painting so that's fun. I love Photoshop so no issues there. I'm just so much busier than I thought I'd be. Plus I'm working 2 on-campus jobs, taking care of 2 kids, 3 cats, a house, and now a boyfriend. Is it any wonder I'm not sleeping? I am looking forward to winter break.

Summer's winding down

2007-08-16T08:05:00.001-04:00

Nicole graduated last week from the Summer Scholar Program at my college. She lived on campus for 5 weeks. It was a wonderful experience for her. My online class, African Art, ends today. It was really interesting to research artists that aren't included in the standard art history books. I love the work of Robert Duncanson and Edmonia Lewis as well as others. I'm glad I took the class.

The kids are back to school on the 30th and my classes start the week after. I'm hoping to move around a few things so I can take a couple more classes. I'm scheduled for 4 right now and may go up to 6. I really want to graduate in December 2008. I'm getting ready for the real world and working as a graphic designer. I've been doing some design work this summer in my job in the Center for Instructional Technology. I've updated a lot of their publications and created their wall calendar. It's been fun. I really want to do this.

Namaste

2007-07-28T10:22:00.000-04:00

Never worry about tomorrow
Always living for the future
Make today your focus
Allowing yourself to be here now
Settle into this moment
Thrilled to be alive
Ever knowing you are Divine

Copyright 2007
Kim Gelinas

Family

2007-07-16T18:58:00.000-04:00

I cry for all that I never had
I mourn for ties that never were
A family lost in dysfunction
Unable to concur

Opportunities for lasting love
For deep, abiding friendships
Connections never created
Instead jokes, fights, quips

Death removed possibilities
Chances lost for good
Hope springs eternal with
Coulda, woulda, should

Her spirit lives inside us
As does her faults and flaws
Sisters unable to bridge the distance
Unable to sheath their claws

Loss should have pulled us together
But instead it drove us apart
Mom's lasting legacy
Sisters who never talk

Kim Gelinas
copyright 2007

Scrolls and Roses

2007-07-14T16:45:00.001-04:00

Summer

2007-07-14T16:43:00.000-04:00

My epiphany

2007-07-09T10:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm really slow on the uptake. After being an art student for years and a practioner of meditation (including chakra work), it has just occurred to me that the colors of the chakras follow the color wheel. I had not ever made that connection before today. I was listening to a chakra meditation that I found on YouTube and in my mind's eye, I was flowing along the color wheel, beginning at red. I had made the connection between my chakras and my art. An appropriate epiphany as I start a painting class today. Talk about a lightbulb moment (energy efficient one of course).

Fairy & Flowers

2007-06-24T10:49:00.001-04:00

Angel

2007-06-17T10:33:00.000-04:00

My date

2007-06-10T06:33:00.000-04:00

I did it and I survived. I went on my first date in 21 years. Holy s**t! It was ok. I was nervous but I managed to keep the panic to a minimum. He's a nice man. I'm not feeling lots of bells and whistles but it was a pleasant evening. We ate at the 99 restaurant in a town midway between us. He lives in CT and I live in MA so we met at the border. The problem is that I can still only eat small amounts at a time because of the surgery. I didn't tell him about it so he was surprised at how little I ate. Here I am last night.

Monumental Day

2007-06-09T14:32:00.000-04:00

I'm going on my first first date in almost 21 years. OH MY GOD!! I meant him online and we've spoken on the phone a few times. He seems nice so I'm being brave. We're having dinner tonight. I have to run out and buy pants to wear. The pair I was thinking of are too big now (not exactly a bummer). I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. It's going to be fine, right?????? I feel like a teenager again.

Rites of Passage

2007-06-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

Nicole has now taken the SAT's. My baby is fast approaching true adulthood. I mean, she's already 18 but is still in high school so I can hold on to her for a little while longer. She took a college course last semester as part of the Early Admissions program and will take two more this coming academic year. She's also applied to my school for their Summer Scholar program. It would give her the chance to spend 5-6 weeks on campus, taking two classes and learning what college life is like. It feels like I just brought her home from the hospital a few months ago and she's taking college classes now. How is that possible?? I am going to have to learn to let go, I guess.

I'm a new Patriot

2007-05-31T18:56:00.000-04:00

Here's yesterday's collage

2007-05-31T15:55:00.000-04:00

First week

2007-05-30T21:21:00.000-04:00

Zach's been home for almost a week now. It's going great. It feels good to have my family together. I'm so glad he's here.

I've been playing with Photoshop Elements a lot. Now that I know what I'm doing (well, mostly), I love putting digital collages together. When Blogger lets me upload pictures, I'll post a few.

Summer work

2007-05-18T14:51:00.000-04:00

I had an interview this morning. I start a new job Monday morning. I'm going to be working in the CIT Dept. at the college. I'll be working on web design and projects like it. I'm so excited. It's going to be such a good experience.

Nicole is applying for the college's Summer Scholar Program. They extended the deadline until the 25th. She'll be able to take two college classes while living on campus four days a week for five weeks as well as getting experience staying in the dorms. College life but for a shorter time frame. What a wonderful way to see what it will be like before the time comes. I wish it had been available to me when I was her age.

Zach's home next week. He's on restriction today so I have to stand behind the program's discipline so he can come home this afternoon. He'll be so relieved. We have our last family therapy session at 4PM. I'm glad it's over. I'm so tired of being involved in multiple therapies each week. I'm looking forward to having my baby home and enjoying some down time this summer. Of course, my new job will put a damper on that but I'll do my best to find time for me.

What If . . .

2007-05-12T12:18:00.000-04:00

I was listening to a guided meditation and needless to say, my mind wandered every now and then. It wandered to my biological father as the meditation suggested a letting go. The teacher meant allowing tension to be let go in the body but my mind went to emotional encumbrances that I wanted to let go of. I thought of Bill's abandonment of me and how I wished to heal that pain. Later, my mind went to the "what if's" in my life and I thought of writing on those. There are so many. I've spent so much of my life, living in the past, with the "what if's". I choose now to live in today. The "what if's" are such a trap. They are a bludgeoning tool that I have used against myself again and again.

I mean really, the "What if" I had chosen college A instead of college B, or "What if" I had married Him instead of hiM? Do any of us really think we can alter the past? Do we think we can make anything better by replaying our choices, good or bad, over and over again? I think not. I think we are wise enough to "know" that it's a useless activity. And yet, we continue. I wish I knew why. I hope to explore it more so that I can free myself from this time-consuming and painful pasttime. I didn't marry Him - I married hiM. My kids are who they are because of that choice. Would I change it if I could? Doubtful.

Classes are over

2007-05-09T18:57:00.000-04:00

Today was the last day of classes for this semester. I am so relieved although I'd be feeling more relaxed if I hadn't bombed my Computer Programming final. I'll be lucky to get a 60 on it. I drew a complete blank on two of the five programming problems. I wrote what I could but the crucial piece of both eluded me. Thank Goddess I have good grades on the homework and the two previous tests. That'll save my grade for the semester. I need to keep a 3.5 GPA if I want to remain in Phi Kappa Phi and I do. I'd like to graduate with honors.

I was able to sign up for Painting 1 this summer so I can now sign up for Printmaking in the fall. All my classes are on mostly Mondays so if I had Painting and Printmaking, I would have been in classes from 8:15AM to 10:30PM that day. Now I don't have to be on campus until 10:25AM. It will still be a 12 hour day but Wed. & Fri. will only be 2 hours each. Nice! I am going to have Tuesdays and Thursdays off so the semester shouldn't be too bad.

I did find out I got an A in my Women Studies in Religion class and I'm expecting A's in Computer Graphics and Electronic Publication & Design. It was a good semester.

I have been tagged

2007-05-08T05:39:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged so here are 7 interesting things about me:

1. I love, love, love potato chips!
2. I love, love, love how brilliant my kids are.
3. I am a school geek - I love being back in college and I think the younger generation hates how enthusiastic I am about my classes.
4. I am (deep shame) hopeless addicted to soap operas.
5. I drive fast (love it!) but safely.
6. I always wanted to be a professional singer.
7. I love to meditate.

I was tagged by Lauri, the Enchantress of the Tulips. Who will I tag???

Here is a little prayer for today

2007-05-05T06:43:00.000-04:00

I open the windows wide and take a deep breath, filling myself with the winds of change that are blowing even now across my life. I feel the bracing energy in these changes and welcome them into my life, to energize and charge me, to empower me.

I ask to be filled with complete belief in myself, in who I am and what I can do. I ask to be filled with courage and creativity, to free the flow of my creativity and allow it to ride the currents of the new winds that blow. I ask that I may be filled with love completely, love of myself, love of life, love for the energy that flows around me.

I am a part of what is new. I am a part of the bracing energy that flows and is. I am power and love. I am.

This is from Quado.com. I get a weekly email from her and I loved this prayer.

Jesus Land

2007-04-25T05:24:00.000-04:00

My class on Women's Studies in Religion required we read this book. It is a powerful story of how the evangelical can be cruel to their children. The author was sent to a "Christian" reform school with her adopted brother where they were treated like slaves. This school is still open. It's scary that it is allowed to physically and emotionally hurt teenagers without government intervention.

The truly scary part was the similarities I could see to the program my son is in. I'm am so anxious to get him home. He's not being abused but he's not allowed to voice his own opinions or to stand up for himself against false accusations by the staff members. If he opens his mouth, he's immediately put on restriction for a day or two. I've been able to tell them how wrong I feel that is but to no avail. My opinion is not taken into consideration. They have their rules and I am out of the loop so to speak because DSS has custody of him. What I see as the same is the need to strip these adolescents of their individuality.

I feel that our culture, especially the public school system, propagates this. They work to make all the pegs round to fit any hole. My children are very definately square and don't fit those holes. I am so proud of them. They are unique; Nicole more so than Zach. Zach is more social so fitting in is more important to him but he still wants to be his own person. They are going to be amazing adults. I'm so fortunate to be their mother and I'm looking forward to watching them grow and mature. I know each will make their mark on this world.

Saturday morning musings

2007-04-14T09:05:00.000-04:00

It's a beautiful sunny spring day after a Nor'easter storm that never materialized. I'm glad. I wasn't in the mood for shoveling. It was an easy winter that way. My global consciousness side was not happy about that but my tired, New England self was glad. It's a dichotomy that I struggle with. Maybe I should move to a warmer climate and then I can bitch about how warm the winters are becoming without guilt. The kids and I have been talking moving to the San Francisco area. Me for the spiritual and artistic community, the kids for the educational opportunities. Do we have the courage to follow through? It's not a question that I have to answer until I graduate so I've some time to contemplate it.

I am now a senior now but I have about 18 classes to take before I graduate. Thankfully most of them are art classes (computer and studio) so they will be fun at least. I'm hoping to take painting and pottery this summer. It'll depend on financial aid. It'll help me finish sooner if I can. I will be trying to take classes during summer and winter sessions. I love college but I am getting ready for it to be done. I've been taking classes since Sept. 2004 and I am not going to graduate until May 2009 so it's a long bachelor's degree. But so worth it. I am enjoying my computer art classes so much so I know I made the right choice of majors. Photoshop is so cool and so is Illustrator. I love playing in them. I just learned how to merge parts of photos together and how to alter the elements of a photograph. I found a website with screen shots from different Myst games so I downloaded a couple and put Nicole in them. It's fun!

In other aspects of my life, I have now lost 82 pounds!! I feel so much better. Only one little problem; sagging skin. I worried about this before the surgery and was hopeful that it would be horrible. Well, it's not horrible but it's not pretty either. My lower abdomen is looking pretty sad. I don't know if my insurance will take care of a tummy tuck. Unless my surgeon can find a medical reason. I see him in June so I'll find out then. I'm not sure I want another surgery but I want to look as good as I feel. Can they do that to my thighs and upper arms?? I'm sure they could but I'm really sure that the insurance won't cover those. I'm healthier - that's all that really matters at this point. It's just my vanity.

I'm off to work at the campus art gallery today. The artist, Ronald Trent Anderson, will be taking down his pieces when we close. I love meeting local artists as well as being in an atmosphere of art culture. It's the best way to earn money. Well, selling my art would be better but I'll take this for now.

The start of spring

2007-03-31T17:51:00.000-04:00

It's the beginning of spring. Lisa's birthday is tomorrow and Nicole is at Peace Jam this weekend. Zach and I are just hanging out. I've got a QBasic test on Monday so I should be studying for it. I was sick all week and missed every day except last Monday. I have a lot to catch up on. I want to do really well on the test because I know I've missed more than the alloted amount of classes for that professor and need to keep my grade up. I've got an A average right now and want to keep it there. I was just invited to join Phi Theta Phi, an honor society for 4 year colleges so I really have to keep the GPA steady.

I'm being so lazy today. I should be doing housework and I don't want to. I got up early to take Niki to her school so she could meet the other people going to Peace Jam. So I can pretend I'm tired. I really am but I'm just being lazy. That's what I love about Saturdays.

I bought Wild Divine yesterday and couldn't install it on my Gateway. It doesn't seem to work with Windows Vista. I had Nicole install it on our Compaq and it's working ok. It does lag when you click to move within the "journey" of the program. The graphics are amazing and the tasks seem to really involve breathe work and lowering your heart rate. I'm going to enjoy using it.

Ah . . . life

2007-03-24T13:32:00.000-04:00

I have me a new laptop computer, a Gateway. I can be online whenever I want and I can write whenever I want. So am I? Sort of. I haven't been writing. I actually bought it because Zach is home more often now and it's tough sharing one computer with three people. Nicole is going to buy a laptop too. So we'll all have a computer at our disposal. I like the idea of being able to journal on a computer. Paper and pen doesn't seem to work for me. I'd like to start working on more computer art as well. My classes in graphic design software are going really well and I'm really enjoying them. Computer Graphics is starting on Photoshop this week. Finally!

The kids are downstairs, having a great time. I can hear them singing and laughing. What a wonderful sound to have floating upwards. They are getting along so well lately. I feel like we are a healthy, happy family. Life is good.

We joined a gym a week ago. It's been surprisingly fun. I'm really enjoying the feeling I get after working out. I love seeing the definition my muscles are starting to get. The kids love it too. Ah . . . life. It just keeps getting better.

Life

2007-03-16T06:39:00.000-04:00

I'm always amazed at how fast life comes at me. You'd think after 46 years, I'd have gotten used to it. Zach is coming home soon and is spending a lot more time here now. I'm having a difficult time readjusting. He's not doing anything wrong, I'm just really missing the quiet calm that Nicole and I had created for ourselves. She doesn't go away for the weekends anymore either so I'm "Mom" every minute of everyday now and I'm tired. If only I had a co-parent I could count on.

I feel guilty for whining because a friend's (Janet) daughter (Aimee - beautiful 22 yr old college student) has been in the hospital since early November with some strange unknown illness that caused her brain to swell. She's recovering and is actually working with physical therapists now to regain her strength and mobility. It's a reminder of how precious our children even as they move toward adulthood. Janet's best friend, Carol, has a 21 yr. old son (Mike) with severe epilepsy. He's been in a Boston hospital for over 2 years now and I don't think he's ever coming home. Both situations help me to remain grateful for my childrens' health. My childrens' disabilities don't seem so overwhelming when I think of what other parents are going through close by and around the world.

So today I'm sending out healing prayers for all the sick children and their scared parents. I hope the world will join me. The power of collective positive thoughts is unstoppable.

Namaste!

Zach update

2007-03-03T05:55:00.000-05:00

We had a team meeting Thursday for Zach at the residential program that he's in. We discussed his progress as well as the plans for his future. He's done so well and everyone involved is really pleased, myself included. His grades are straight A's and he's stayed out of trouble in the program and at school since last October. When he's home, he's trying very hard to be cooperative and understanding. And he's succeeding. He and Nicole are getting along so much better. They are sharing the computer fairly well but I still hope to get a new one that is connected to the internet so that it will be easier for all of us when we need to be online. Right now, I'm relegated to early mornings and with my college classes, that is not always enough. They are each taking a block of time and then switching. I think that will ease up when Zach is home for good because he'll have much more freedom so he'll be off with friends. At this time, he's not allowed to leave my presence so friends have to come here.

Anyway, his home date is Memorial Day weekend. In the meantime, he'll stay longer on the weekends, coming home on Fridays and not returning until Monday night. We're planning to have him be here for the entire spring vacation from school in April.

Speaking of spring breaks, mine is only one week away. I am so needing a week off. Classes are going well and I start a work study job on Monday. I'll be organizing and cleaning the printmaking and painting studios on campus. Every once in a while, I'll fill in at the campus art gallery. I'm not sure I want to be cleaning anything (housework is not my forte) but I need the money and the job helps me qualify as a working disabled adult for state help with my medical bills. Medicare only covers so much so I need their help. I'm going to keep a positive attitude about it.

Strong emotions

2007-02-05T05:31:00.000-05:00

I watched a foreign movie yesterday entitled "Osama". Nope - not about Bin Laden. Although it was set in Afghanistan and was about his buddies, The Taliban. It was about a woman trying to feed her mother, her daughter, and herself in a world where women aren't allowed to work or speak to anyone outside their families or go out without a male companion. She has her daughter dress like a boy so she can work. The daughter (who is called Osama as a boy) gets dragged off to the boys school and is forced to "learn" how to bathe her male genitals (hidden behind a piece of fabric). Later she gets stuck in a tree after the boys tease her because they believe she's a girl. The teacher hangs her inside a well from the back of her tunic. When they bring her up, they see that she's started her cycle and discover that she's a girl. She's thrown in prison with all the other "bad" women. In the end the headmaster of the school pleads for her life (yes, they would have killed her) and as a reward, the judge gives her to the headmaster as a wife. The movie ends after he comes home, has her pick out her own lock (the women are locked in their rooms each night and in the house all day), and then forces the wedding night on her.

My heart was broken because I knew how real this was. I've become more and more aware of the pain that women in this world suffer at the hands of ignorant men; men who have been taught by tradition and/or religion that women are not their equals. I feel so impotent to make a difference but I feel I must try. I don't know how yet but I know I must do something. Since I began my study of photography, I've known that I wanted to use it to bring light to those who are suffering. My concentration at first was in Africa. I want to go to the Congo, Rwanda, Somalia, etc. so that I can show the world what is happening. Now I see that it's everywhere. Will photography be enough? I don't know. I will be meditating on this so I can find the answer for my soul. Women who are oppressed need to understand that others care and are willing to help.

Weekends

2007-02-03T04:52:00.000-05:00

Zach's coming home for the weekend. We've had overnight visits for a few weeks now. They are going ok. It's been hard on Nicole though. She's used to the quiet that we've had for the past 8 months and now a noisy 13 yr. old is in her space again. It's going to be an adjustment for her. She and I spend a lot more time together while he's home. I think she uses my room as a refuge from the noise and mess. We all start family therapy next week so I'm hoping we can begin to find ways of peacefully coexisting in our home. I know we all need to compromise in order to make this work. And I so want it to work. I miss my boy.

New musings

2007-01-31T04:18:00.000-05:00

Well, school is underway and things are going quite well. Until the power surge yesterday that is. First I saved a computer file onto my flash drive during my Computer Graphics class. I brought it home and worked on it over the weekend in a trial version of the software. What I downloaded was 2 versions ahead of the school's so the file wouldn't open when I got there. Then, I started from scratch and was doing so much better than the first attempt. It's Corel Draw and I'm not familiar with it plus we're copying a picture of a train engine (not easy). So I take break half way through class and save my file to the desktop. I come back and start to work again and boom - there goes the power. When I finally got my computer turned back on (had to unplug it before it would cooperate), the file was gone. The school has them set up to wipe out any files not installed by them when the computer is rebooted. Oh, lucky day. So here I am with nothing and it's 20 minutes before the class ends. Thankfully, the prof. saw me working and knows what I had done. But still. :~(

Nicole is loving her college class. She's taking Music Fundamentals which teaches how to read and write sheet music. Zach is taking a class back at the mainstream school and he is loving it too. Unfortunately he has a crappy reputation and some guys caused some crap for him already but it was straightened out with the vice principal. So school is good for all of us.

My weight is slipping away. I'm under 180 pounds. I haven't been this low since my pregnancy with Zach. I'm so excited and I feel so good. I ran into friends at a fundraiser a week ago and they hadn't seen me in 8 - 10 months (i.e., before the surgery). They couldn't believe the difference. I look good. I haven't felt that I did in a long time. Life is getting better and better.

New photos

2007-01-15T06:54:00.000-05:00

This past fall, I was signed up to do an independent study in photography of landscapes. It was to be self-directed. I found it impossible to get into the darkroom to develop film or make prints so I dropped it. I finally went to a local camera shop and dropped of 7 rolls of film to be processed that I had shot in hopes of completing the study. I picked them up this weekend. A few of the shots really blew me away. I was using two different cameras; a standard 35mm SLR by Olympus and an antique medium format camera by Yashica. The photo to the left is from the Yashica. A friend of mine has a vacation home on Mason Island which is off the coast of Mystic, CT. She walks a lot on Elder Island (which is next to Mason) at a monastic retreat. The place is absolutely beautiful. A lot of the shots I took there came out fabulous. I am really happy with the results and wish I had taken the time to work them myself. I now have 5" x 5" prints instead of 10" x 10" which I would prefer. This one is a covered patio on the grounds of the monastery. I loved the look of the table and chairs and the shading. More photos can be found at http://community.webshots.com/user/kimmer60 along with hundreds of other pictures of local areas and my artwork. I hope you have a chance to stop by.

New Year's Eve in NoHo

2007-01-01T09:48:00.000-05:00

Nicole, Lisa, and I spent a few hours last night in Northampton for the First Night Celebration. We walked all over the place and did a lot of window shopping. At 6:15PM, the city started the fireworks display. We weren't in the best location for viewing but we got the gist of it. I took a lot of photos but with my film camera instead of my digital. When the photos are developed and if they look good, I'll post a few. It was so fun to do something out of the ordinary. I haven't been out on New Year's Eve in probably close to 20 years. We were home early but I felt like I'd celebrated a little. It felt good. Lisa loved it. She's not that familiar with Northampton so it was quite the experience for her. She's a very traditional person and Northampton is anything but (which is one of the reasons Nicole and I like it so much).

I really want to move there. Last night was like walking in Greenwich Village. The atmosphere is similar and the streets were full of people. So many of the theaters were open and having performances plus we came across numerous street performers. One group was doing a stomp dance. That was so cool. I hope those photos come out. I took pictures of a man playing a steel drum too. His music was so good. We also listened to a man with sax playing Auld Lang Syne. The air was cool but without a breeze so it was tolerable. We had a really good time. Northampton is where I want to be.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T07:16:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here on New Years Day in New England without a flake of snow anywhere. It's raining, not snowing. Global warming has become really apparent to me lately. We've only had one little flurry of flakes so far. This is not normal. The temperature has been much higher than usual too. I think it's time for action. I'm trying to do what I can to reduce, reuse, and recycle. I'm driving a small car but it's gas mileage isn't what I want. Unfortunately, I can't afford to buy a new vehicle right now but when I do, I'm going for a hybrid. After watching Al Gore's documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth", I feel compelled to do something. If we don't, I will one day have ocean front property. Now it's not that I don't want a beach house, it's that I don't want it in Western Massachusetts. I'd hate to see Connecticut and Rhode Island wiped off the map by polar cap melting.

Speaking of other movies that raise our consciousness, I am in love with "The Secret". I've been attuned to this idea for a while now and this movie brought it home for me. I am working to be more mindful of the ideas and thoughts I allow to head out into the Universe. I like "What the Bleep Do We Know" too. I was watching that last night when I feel asleep (before midnight). The piece about Mr. Masaru Emoto's work with water crystals is amazing. I've taped a piece of paper to my Brita pitcher that says my favorite word: NAMASTE. I read an interview with him in the latest issue of Science of Mind. He talked about exposing water to that word and how beautiful the crystals were afterward. In the movie, one character says something to Marlee Matlin's about if words can do that to one crystal, imagine what it could do to the human body that is 70% (or more) water. Later after ranting at herself and saying hateful things about her own body, she remembers and then takes a makeup pencil so she can write loving things on herself and draw hearts. It was a powerful image and idea.

So my wish for the world is an awakening; awakening to the love that surrounds us and the beauty the world holds. I pray that we all remember we are ONE. With an open heart and mind, we can see past the differences and be united by the similarities. This is my one true dream for humanity.

Peace Pagoda pictures

2006-12-26T18:02:00.000-05:00

The Holidays

2006-12-26T17:49:00.000-05:00

Here they are - the reason I shop in December. Yes, that is our sad Charlie Brown tree. I just didn't have the energy to do a big one this year and the kids didn't care so all was well. The best part is that I can put it away full decorated and it'll be even easier next year. Aren't I lazy??

Nicole and Zach both had a really enjoyable holiday. Niki was sick in the morning of Christmas Eve so she took the day off from Circuit City. Thankfully all she needed was some rest. She had been working her tail off for the past few weeks along with going to school full-time. I'm glad the holiday shopping season is over. I am so tired of driving to the mall. She has to get her license and a car.

My professors are taking their dear sweet time in posting final grades. I only have one in so far. I got an "A" in Environmental Science. That's a relief. I knew I had done well in the lab but the teacher for the lecture portion hadn't been posting grades so I didn't really know where I was at. I guess I was doing better than I thought. Cool!

So I'm looking forward to 2007 and working on my Bachelor's. I'm making use of my new easel and homasote. I've got another intuitive drawing in process. They are so fun. Here's an example from my final:

Musings

2006-12-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here listening to a woman, Launa Kleiver, read from Rudolf Steiner's Calendar of the Soul. My sweet cat, Myst, is sleeping on the desk beside me, snoring just a little. I reflect on this time of year with a grateful heart. I attended my last class at Holyoke Community College yesterday. I have two finals next Wednesday and my education there will be done. So will my job at the campus art gallery. These are sad transitions for me but I am excited as well to begin the next chapter of my educational adventure.

In January, I begin work on my BA in Art at Westfield State College. I'll be taking two core classes and two studio art classes. It will be a busy semester. The core classes are Intro to Computer Programming (a math alternative) and Women in Modern Organizations (US Diversity). My art classes are Computer Graphics and Electronic Publication Design. They will sustain me as I stumble through the other two. I'm sure I'll do well in all of them but the art classes are what interest me. A couple more core classes and it will be all art classes for me. I can't wait.

I'll be posting some photos in a few days of a beautiful place in Leverett, MA. It's called the Peace Pagoda. Nicole and I went there in October (and I've only just now gotten the film developed). It is one of the most serene and gentle places I've ever been. I could download a low res copy from Snapfish but I'd rather scan them myself at a higher resolution so it'll be a couple days before they come in. I'm anxious to share. Have a great day!

Good things are happening

2006-11-21T07:48:00.000-05:00

School is beginning to wind down. I am done with this semester in one month. That means, provided there are no complications, I graduate with an A.S. in Visual Arts/Photography in January. I have ambivalent feelings about this. On one hand, I am so excited to get this degree. I have worked hard for it. On the other hand, I am leaving my educational home. I am registered at a four year school beginning in January. I have my classes scheduled; Computer Graphics 1, Electronic Publication Media, Major British Writers, and Women in Modern Organizations. Getting registered for classes was an exercise in persistence. The Universe wanted to know if I was serious and gave me quite a few challenges. I am happy to report that I overcame each and every one.

Zach got his first report card of the year. He had all A's with one exception; it was a B+. I think I can handle that. He and I had our first "community" visit last weekend. It was so nice to be able to be with him out of that house and away from all those other kids and staff. He and I really enjoyed it. He's home Thursday from 10AM to 8PM. It's also his birthday in addition to Thanksgiving. He's going to be 13. I bought him a new Playstation 2 and his father got him Guitar Hero II which is a game for it. The game comes with a guitar and the game plays like DDR. It's pretty cool because the songs in are really good - lots of old rock.

Nicole started her first job this week. She's at Circuit City as a sales associate. I am so proud of her. She put in a lot of hours over the weekend and even 5 hours last night. She's doing so well. Her birthday is Friday. She's going to be 18. How did my baby get to be 18? She was just a 2 lb 9.5 oz preemie yesterday. It's so inspiring to see the beautiful woman she's becoming from such a difficult beginning. She's also an A student this year (just like last year). She's handling the breakup with her boyfriend really well. I am so proud of her and Zach too. They are both doing so well and growing up so wonderfully.

I'm cooking Thursday which should be interesting since I won't be able to eat much of it; a couple bits of potatoes and a little stuffing. Forget the birthday cakes. Actually, Zach wants banana cream pie instead of a cake but Nicole wants cake. She's a traditional girl. I've lost over 60 pounds so far and am still adjusting to my new stomach. It still gets finicky at times. I'm learning what can and can't have the hard way. It's all worth it. I feel fantastic and I think I'm looking pretty good right now. I do want to lose another 50 pounds though. In the end, life just keeps getting better.

Honors Convocation

2006-10-13T21:08:00.000-04:00

Tonight was the Honors Convocation at my college, Holyoke Community College. The Honors Convocation is an event the college puts on annually to bring together the best students and honor their accomplishments. I was privileged to be one of them tonight. I was not expecting the letter that came to ask me to participate. I knew nothing of this program. I was just trying to do my very best in each class I took. The requirements are that you achieve a GPA of 3.5 or higher and you must take 30 credit hours or more at HCC. This is my last semester there and this was a fantastic way to finish off my HCC academic career.

I'm the one in the red in the photo. My daughter and her boyfriend joined me and she was the photographer. It's a pretty good shot considering she was about 100 feet away from me at the time. I love my digital camera - it's a Fuji Finepix S9000. What you can't tell from the photo is that my feet are screaming at me to sit down. I was wearing a pair of heels that have been sitting in my closet for years. Now I know why. I have a wedding tomorrow night and my feet are going to be swollen from walking and standing in those pumps. I so wish I'd worn flats.

Other than that, it was a wonderful evening. I felt so proud of myself and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel guilty for being proud. I've worked hard and it was that hard work that landed me on that stage. It felt amazing to be recognized. Life just keeps getting better and better.

First week of school

2006-09-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

School started this week. It's my last semester at this college. In January I will be graduating with an A.S. in Visual Arts/Photography. It's hard to believe I'm here already. Of course, I'm not stopping. I will be transferring to a 4 year school to earn a Bachelor's. I'm not going too far with my Associates.

The first class this week was an art class; Basic Drawing. The teacher was so anal that I spent Wednesday morning rearranging my classes so I could take it with another teacher. Thankfully it all worked out. I do have an evening lab which I didn't want but it's much less an issue that staying in that first drawing class. I've started working on my web design class that I'm taking online and I really like. My Environmental Science class is online too. It amazes me how many courses are offered through online learning. I do like the science class. I want to learn more about this beautiful world and what I can do to make it a better place to live. Art History is awesome too. It's hard to believe that I was panicked January at thought of taking the first Art History class. It's one of my favorites now.

I am constantly surprised at how much better my life is now than 5 years ago when I got sober. I'm losing weight (40 lbs. so far), I'm in college, and I've discovered a spiritual community that sustains me. Life is good!

Labor Day Weekend

2006-09-03T14:38:00.000-04:00

It's a long weekend and we've had lots of rain. Tomorrow is predicted to be clear and warmer than we've seen lately. It feels like fall already. Tuesday is the first day of classes for me. I only have one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays; Basic Drawing. I'm a little concerned about this class. Drawing isn't a strong skill for me. I hope that as long as I show up, do the work, and participate in class, I'll be ok. I'm trying to keep my GPA up above 3.5 so I need good grades this semester.

Niki and Zach started school this past week. Zach still doesn't have a permanent placement so he started at his old school. I would love to see him continue there but I know it's no longer my decision. That's tough to handle. He's doing well in the home he's in right now so I'm hopeful that he's going to handle the transition well. He's starting to understand that his behavior is what determines how fast he gets home.

Nicole is doing well and this school year is going to be fun for her. Her school is going to do what they can to get her a college class at my school. I'm hoping she takes a photo or art class. She'll love it.

So I'm relaxing this weekend. I'm going to be really busy until Christmas. It's all good!

Monday again . . .

2006-08-21T11:29:00.000-04:00

It's Monday again. It still feels like Friday and I don't know why. I ended a phone call a little while ago and told the caller to have a nice weekend. Oops! My brain is not at full function it seems. I need more sleep.

I saw Zach yesterday. He really seems to be doing well at the new place. We can only visit for one hour a week and he takes full advantage of it; not a minute wasted whining or complaining. I was pleased. He played foosball with his dad (his 44th birthday yesterday) and Dad won. Zach wasn't ticked off. I see growth. This is good.

School starts in 2 weeks. I picked up books for 2 of my classes and the total came to $205. For only TWO classes. Thankfully my art class doesn't have a book but my web design class does. It's not in yet. My Environmental Science class has 3 for some reason. I don't get it. Anyway, it's my last semester there so I'm going to enjoy and make the most of this time with Zach out of the house. I'm thinking of adding an independent study in Photography in addition to the 4 classes I'm taking. Then I think, I'm taking on too much. I won't know until I try so I think I will.

I'm just so grateful for the peace that I've found this summer. I've been horribly unproductive in my art but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. I did have major surgery 8 weeks ago so I guess I should be a little more gentle with myself. I'm down about 35 pounds. I feel so much better. I walked up a lot of stairs on campus today without huffing and puffing. It was wonderful.

Glorious Day

2006-08-13T18:50:00.000-04:00

I went to a bridal shower today. Now normally, I despise bridal showers. I don't even like baby showers. I am so not a girly girl when it comes to that stuff but I went because it was for my best friend's stepdaughter and she needed an ally. It was being hosted by the ex-wife and would be filled with all of her relatives. Lisa was relieved to not have to do anything but bring balloons and a corsage (Lisa's a florist - she always brings the flowers). I met her there.

The "party" was held at the ex-wife's friend's house in a suburb on the other side of Springfield. I live on the river side - not so affluent. This house was in a really old, wealthy area. The house was built in 1850. It still had a stone wall in front of it. It was the most charming two story Victorian. There was a front porch reminiscent of the old ante-bellum homes. The hostess, a very nice woman named Marsha, had decorated it with wicker and wrought iron furniture. There were three candleliers hanging that just took my breath away. The front room that opens onto the porch is their music room complete with a baby grand piano. The ceiling was painted with cherubs and clouds. The fireplace was amazing.

The most amazing part was the cellar. Yes, she let us go into her cellar. It was completely remodeled to be a dark pub. The first room as you come down the stairs is a small sitting room with a brick floor and stone walls. In the pub itself were leather club chairs, a wooden phone booth, a bar about 30' long, and a wide screen TV. It would have been a great place to hang out in my drinking days. Hell, they even had Sam Adams beer on tap.

My favorite room was the kitchen. It was long and narrow but all the space was used so effectively. One of the large windows to the backyard had a beautiful window seat. The counters were dark granite and the cabinetry was white. They offset each other perfectly. Half the back wall and around the corner was all windows so you could see out into the wooded back. It was like looking out into a park. They even had a Victorian playhouse for kids that visit. Actually they had about 5 small buildings (shed-like) on the property.

Every time I looked at the landscaping, I found something new to delight in. One area had a bicycle painted white holding flower pots. Birdhouses abounded and trinket popped up from beds of plantings. One old tree sat off from the porch and while it was empty, one could just envision an old fashion tree swing hanging from a huge branch that came straight out perpendicular to the ground and then shot upward about 10' from the trunk.

I felt like I had walked into one of my fantasies. I love old Victorian houses and I love enormous porches, not to mention the park-like setting of the yard. It was amazing. And doesn't it just figure that I forgot my digital camera. I actually forgot all my cameras so on the way I stopped at Big Lots and bought a disposable one. Lisa's going to develop it along with her film so I'll post pictures when I get them.

It was a wonderful 3 hours but I was the first out the door. When Heather finished opening the presents, I booked. I felt bad leaving Lisa but she had 2 of her sisters-in-law to talk to and Heather's future groom was bringing their daughter so she'd have Ava to play with. It felt good to go and it felt good to come home.

I visited with Zach yesterday in another old mansion. He's staying in a house used as a 2 week shelter for kids awaiting placement. I only got to see a small part of the first floor and was blown away. The fireplace in the room where we sat talking had a hand carved mantle and surround that went from the floor to the ceiling. The banister going to the second floor had a hand carved newel post. It was not up to its former glory but it could be. Unfortunately, DSS is a state agency and keeping these homes well maintained is not a priority in their much too small budget. We should know by the beginning of next week where Zach will be living. It's so hard having him gone and it's a wonderful break at the same time. I'm resting and recovering from the surgery still so I'm glad I have this time to myself. I'm just glad he's safe (more from himself than anything else).

This week!

2006-08-03T06:37:00.000-04:00

It's been one hell of a week so far. Some good, some bad. Some expected, some surprises. I had Zach with me on Tuesday. He'd been playing football with the guys at the house and the ball jammed his ring finger on his left hand. It was incredibly swollen and bruised. They did not take him to the ER or even call his pediatrician. I took him to his appointment with the pediatric endocrinologist and she took one look and said off to XRay. Sure enough, it was fractured. So he's wearing a splint for the next three weeks.

We went to a meeting after that with his social worker. It was a team meeting with placement specialists. My ex, David, actually made it to this one as did Zach's therapist. He's moving from the house he's at to a two week shelter in Springfield next Wednesday. While he's there, they will be finding him a permanent placement in one of their residential treatment programs. I knew this was coming and had tried to prepare Zach for it but he was still so upset. He keeps wanting us to trust that he will change his behavior but he hasn't done it yet. I don't trust him to be safe. I think this will be good for him.

The good news at the doctor's appointment is that she doesn't feel he has a thyroid condition. She believes his medications are affecting the thyroid tests that have been run. Before the XRay, we went to the lab and had more blood drawn. They couldn't find his vein. It was awful for him. Hopefully it will confirm her feelings. Nicole and I have both suffered from Graves Disease so I don't want Zach to have to follow suit.

Meanwhile, the heat is making life hell. Yesterday, my birthday no less, was the hottest day of the year so far. We hit 100 degrees with 90% humidity. A storm finally hit about 5:30 yesterday afternoon. It was fierce. It blew in three of my screens and knocked stuff all over my porch. There are branches down in the street and my front yard. The old maple in front of my house loses branches with every storm. I've had the city people here to trim it (it belongs to the city, not me) but obviously not enough was removed. My car is parked right next to it so I can keep it shaded. Maybe not the best idea.

But it was my birthday and I had a wonderfully quiet day. Well, I was on the phone with various people for about a total of 3 hours but other than that it was quiet. I only buzzed into work to open and close the gallery and did about 45 minutes at physical therapy (stiff shoulder). I totally relaxed once I was home for good.

Today is starting out oppresively hot. It was 75 degrees when I woke at 5:30 this morning. Yuck! They are predicting more storms today and then we are getting a break from the heat and humidity. Thank Goddess!

Good moon shot - finally

2006-08-01T07:18:00.000-04:00

Changes, changes, changes

2006-07-31T07:16:00.000-04:00

Wow - life comes quickly. I finished my independent study last week. He gave me an A. I am so amazed. I didn't start printing photos until about 4 days before the critique. I did have the written report and slide show ready beforehand because I could work on those from home while I was recovering but the photos had to be done on campus. Well, until I set up a darkroom (if I do). I am so glad it's over. It wasn't the joyous experience I have had in the past. It was just another obligation this summer; one I was wishing I hadn't put on myself. But it's done and I got a good grade so it was worth it.

I am meeting with the powers that be about Zach's placement tomorrow. They are looking for a residential treatment program to enroll him in. I don't know when my son will come home. This is causing a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm sad that my baby isn't here with me but I'm relieved that he'll be in a place that can keep him safe from himself. He makes such bad choices and can't see that they are bad even though he's suffering major consequences because of them. Ah, the delusion of being an adolescent. I told him yesterday and could see how sad he was. It was heartbreaking but I keep reminding myself that I didn't do this - he did. If I don't get him the help he needs now, it will be jail, not a treatment program when he's 16. I know this is the right decision for him at this point in time.

He's seeing an endocrinologist before the meeting. She's Niki's doctor. I can't believe my kids both have thyroid disease so young. But I was in my late 20's when mine started. I shouldn't be so surprised. I'm hoping his will be easily managed. Nicole's in remission so maybe his will be the same.

My sister-in-law had a colonoscopy done this week. The doctors removed 15 polyps. She's feeling better physically already but it will be mid-August before she finds out if they are benign or malignant. She needs a break. She's contemplating gastric bypass but won't be able to do so if it's colon cancer. Her diabetes is out of control and after the 2 heart attacks, the weight needs to come down. I am praying. Her life expectancy is not good because of her heart so cancer sure as shit won't help. My brother and nephew will be lost without her. She needs to be okay.

On the homefront, the workmen were here to start the insulation. Even though they are blowing it in from the outside, it's coming through cracks in my very old house. We ended up with a huge pile of it on top of my dryer in the cellar. Nicole freaked when she saw it. There are even bits of it in my grass out by the street. It's everywhere! But I will have a home that is much easier and cheaper to heat and cool. Woo Hoo!! I really am blessed. I seem to be able to manifest everything I need. This program is free of charge to me. They are going to replace a few of my windows and get me storms for my Andersen windows. This is so cool.

I saw the weight doctor on Friday. I've lost 28 pounds! Since I started with them almost a year ago, I've lost 4 inches off my waist. My BMI has gone from 44.4 to 39.3. My risks are dramatically reduced. It was so good to hear that. I know I did the right thing but this really helped cement that in my mind. Life is good.

My progress . . .

2006-07-22T09:32:00.000-04:00

I went to the post-op support group on Thursday. It was only my second official weigh in since the surgery. In 24 days, I've lost 25 pounds. I can't believe how wonderful this feels. The weight is just melting away. I am still learning to eat in a new way but it's such a small inconvenience compared to living with an extra 100 pounds or so. I am so looking forward to having my healthy body back. I can't wait to clothes shop again without guilt and fear. I yearn for the choices that will be available to me. I am quickly realizing what I left behind when I chose to hide behind all that weight.

I worked in the darkroom yesterday. I haven't done that in a couple months. I ended up printing eight different shots and thought I was all set for the critique coming on Tuesday but then I took one of the prints out of the wash to dry it and found the paper had a yellow block on it. I was too tired to reprint it then. Now I have to go in today or Monday. But I do have my slide show on Dorothea Lange done. Now I need to write a one page biography on her.

I was reading about her this morning. I think she's my new hero. In an age where women were expected to be nothing more than wives and mothers, she set out to create a photography career. She left a bad marriage in the 1930's with two small children and then became one of the best known photographers of the FSA with the help of her true love, Paul Taylor (he became her 2nd husband). She took THE iconic image of the Great Depression, Migrant Mother. Her career lasted until her death. She always took photos. As I contemplate my future education goals, I will keep her example in mind.

Cuckoo Kitty

2006-07-12T09:03:00.000-04:00

The future of my family

2006-07-11T11:35:00.000-04:00

I spoke with Zach's social worker this morning. He's not coming home. They've extended his stay at the Bridge home until the end of July and from there he's either going to a group home or specialized foster care. I prefer a group home and I'd really like to see him stay in our town now that we have a good school placement for him.

He's going to be devastated. He was so counting on coming home this weekend. He's going to be blown away. I think I should go out there and tell him in person. At least then I can be there to hug him and wipe away the tears that are bound to come. He thinks he's tough but sometimes he's just my little boy, looking at me with those big blue eyes, wanting me to make everything ok again. Only I can't this time. It's out of my hands.

My heart is breaking for him and I'm relieved at the same time. Being only 2 weeks out from major surgery, I was not looking forward to having to worry about him all the time again. Even when he's here for an afternoon visit, I am so worried when he heads out with friends. I don't trust him to make good choices. This will be a good lesson for him at least.

Yesterday's sunset

2006-07-09T05:11:00.000-04:00

Surgical Progress

2006-07-09T04:45:00.000-04:00

I went to the program Thursday for a post-op support group. It was my first time near a good scale. The one I have is not exactly accurate. I was astounded. I had lost 14.8 pounds from the morning of the surgery. By my scale this morning, I've lost another 4 or 5 pounds. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since my operation. WOW! I should have close to 50 off before the next semester starts. I am psyched!

I feel good and I'm moving really well. I drove all over creation yesterday with Zach. He was home for a visit. The only complaint I have is the gas I get from eating. I am discovering that I also have to eat slower than I'm used to or I get indigestion. I am quickly figuring out how to live as a gastric bypass person.

Zach had a craving for soft-serve ice cream so we stopped at a place. I wasn't going to order anything (duh!) but the girl behind the counter told me that they had sugar-free soft serve. So I got a small (kiddie size) dish and Zach got a medium cone. I got down about a third of my dish. Zach ate the rest. He was amazed at how little I could eat. I calculated that I had ingested about 12 oz. of solid food yesterday. It took 5 meals to get that much down. No wonder the weight seems to be dripping off me.

It's all becoming very real now. Within a year, I will recognize the person I see in the mirror. I haven't for so long. I had the image of myself as one when I was about 30 and relatively thin. This heavy woman isn't someone I know. I am surprised every time I catch my image in a mirror. I am getting the outside to match the inside. It's been so long . . .

As I recover

2006-07-05T05:56:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was one of the toughest days yet. The smells of everyone's grills nauseauted me. Nothing I ate agreed with my new stomach. I spent most of the day in bed afraid that I'd throw up. My abdomen was so extended from gas and it was pushing on my new itty bitty tummy. Not good. But I survived. I feel like I wasn't ready for the pureed foods I was taking in. So today I'm going to stay liquid and maybe add one food. Egg doesn't seem to be a good choice so I'll stick with applesauce.

On a good note - I've lost about 10 pounds so far. I'm pretty excited about that. I just need to make sure I guard my health as the weight peels off. And I'm adjusting to life without coffee. I wasn't sure how I'd do but no withdrawals from it. I had switched to the 50/50 coffee for 2 months prior to the surgery in effort to reduce my caffeine dependency.

Zach's come by with his father for a couple of quick visits. He's more interested in finding his friends. We've got a few more days, 10 actually, before they tell me what's going to happen for him. I've been too sick to check in with the house manager so I don't know how things have been going. On my to do list. . .

Life's little update

2006-07-02T08:07:00.000-04:00

Well, it's day 7 out from the surgery. I'm able to walk without any discomfort. Sitting up is still a bit sore but gets easier every day. I can see the progress in my recovery. I haven't seen much in the way of weight loss but it's hard to lose weight when you're sedentary. Oh shit - I think I just learned something. Now I'm going to have to use it. Exercise is important. Gee, why didn't I get that before they hit in me in the stomach with a semi?

Not eating is hard though. My food addiction is kicking my ass. Every food commercial I see makes me want to run to the nearest fast food place and pig out. Reason and the fact that I've just had most of stomach cut away has kept me home. Actually, I'm breathing through it like I use to with cigarettes. I know I'm not hungry. I just see it and want it. So now I change the channel as soon as a food commercial comes on. I'm adapting. Actually, I'm changing to the party plan so to speak. I realized yesterday that I had mistaken "fat free" jello with sugar free. I had been eating it and wondering why my stomach wasn't tolerating all that well. I was mortified to see that it has 19 grams of sugar per serving. I'm allowed 8 grams per 4 oz. Mystery solved. Jello to be fed to my son.

My ex is bringing Zach home from a visit today because I can't drive yet. It'll be good to see him and to have a reason to get dressed. I'm going to make them take me to the grocery store. Oh - an outing. :~)

Life is good.

The surgery was a success

2006-06-29T08:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I didn't die anyway. The true test of its success will be how much weight I lose. This was a toughy. I felt like the Pat's field goal kicker had used my stomach as target practice the first day. I'm moving around pretty well today but sleeping is difficult. I'm used to sleeping on my side but I can't right now because the weight of my skin pulls at the incisions. So it's onto my back and that leads to snoring which wakes me up. I'm hoping that I can get on my side soon.

The hospital experience was a good one. The nurses were attentive and I had my own room. My doctor from the weight program came to see me a couple times and of course, the surgeon. The only complication was a slight fever and I think that was from my nasal congestion due to my allergies. My BP was through the roof but I know that it will get better as the weight comes off. I have to see my primary about it.

One of my nurses had the surgery 10 years ago and looks fabulous. I do hope I can use this tool appropriately and not push the limits. I have wanted to eat but more out of habit, not hunger. It was hard with the hospital serving everyone but me. I got ice chips the first day, water the second, and moved up to Diet Snapple on the third. It'll be a few more days before I can start having pureed foods. Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to it. I can have sugar-free Jello right now so I'm making some for later. It will feel good to have something I almost have to chew. The protein drink I bought is pretty good so I am at least having something tasty.

So, all in all, it's been a fairly good experience to date. I do think I may drop my independent study so I can just concentrate on my recovery but I'm going to wait until next week to make that decision. Thankfully Amy isn't expecting me back at the gallery for a couple weeks.

Storms followed my emotions

2006-06-21T08:30:00.000-04:00

Storms mimicked my emotions over the past few days. They were fierce but in the end, the results were spectacular.

Tumultous emotions

2006-06-21T07:17:00.000-04:00

I'm a jumble of emotions. The manager of the home where Zach's is living right now told me that he's not doing very well. In fact, he's showing them all the same behavior that I was seeing. I thought it was just at home but I was wrong.

The hard part is dealing with the idea that he may not be coming home and the mixed emotions I have around that. I hadn't talked to him for a few days because of the conference I was working and participating in over the weekend so when we connected Sunday, I was overwhelmed. I didn't realize how much I missed him. When we hung up, I burst into tears.

I'm really having to grasp that my son may not live with me for a long time. I thought that it was what I wanted when he was here, with behavior I couldn't handle. Now that it's a real possibility, I'm blown away by the idea of it. I want what's best for him, though. If that means that he has to live in a group home with 24/7 supervision and male counselors, then that's what I will advocate for. My needs are secondary in this.

Spirits in Motion

2006-06-17T18:58:00.000-04:00

I spent the better part of the last two days at a conference held at my church called Spirits in Motion. It was put together by the Women's Spirituality group that I belong to that's affiliated with the church. We had two women come in to lead both rituals and intensives. I spent today with ALisa Starkweather. The morning intensive was about transformation using breathwork. She took us through an exercise where we worked with the wall we all butt up against; that blocks us from reaching the other side; the brass ring so to speak. In the afternoon session, we worked on how to bring our visions to form. I came away from both with a great deal of inspiration and a deep sense of connection with all the women in the group. It was an incredible experience; especially the Transformational Breathwork™. If you've never done it, I highly recommend you find a facilitator. It was profound. And if you ever get a chance to go to one of ALisa's workshops or conferences, GO! She's amazing with an energy that is powerful and loving and supportive. I am so glad I was there this weekend.

The start of a new life

2006-06-14T09:22:00.000-04:00

I saw my surgeon yesterday. It's real now. On June 26th I'm having gastric bypass surgery. I will be on my way to health and fitness again. I am so excited and nervous too. I'm thinking of using this experience as a photo essay opportunity. While I hate the idea of taking my own photo, especially right now, I do think documenting the changes could be really beneficial for all those who are contemplating this life altering surgery. I never thought I'd be one but here I am.

I'm glad I had to go through the classes and attend the support group meetings. It helped me become truly educated about what the surgery entails and what I can expect afterward. It will be a dramatic change but I'm ready for it. I need a major shake-up to end my food addiction. The surgery inhibits the appetite hormones for about 2 years so I will have that time to really learn new ways of coping with my stress. I think writing is the first way to do that.

I'll keep writing about it...

TGIF

2006-06-09T09:21:00.000-04:00

I'm glad the weekend is almost here. I've been spackling the gallery this week. We had so many holes in the walls from the last show, the student art exhibit. I'm going in to sand and paint today. I hope we get it done quickly.

Zach's really settling in to the program. He ran home from school on Monday but after hearing about all the horrible things (like lock-up) that await him if he keeps this crap up, he seems to have decided to behave for a while. I hope he keeps it up but if not, I'm ready to let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions. It's taken me a long time to get here. My therapist is proud. So is his. They've been coaching me to stop protecting him from his own behavior.

Nicole went to her bestfriend's graduation last night. I know it was bittersweet for her because she should have been graduating this year as well. She was great about it though. And she looked so pretty. She actually took off her combat boots for a night. Here she is:

This is my goth girl extraordinaire! For her to show leg is amazing. The kitty is Samhain (pronounced Sow-ein) but we call her Sam. She is Nicole's constant companion. Niki would love to put her on a leash and take her everywhere but I don't think Sam would appreciate it.

So she had a fabulous night and I had the house to myself. Too bad my phone and DSL were down. I ended up taking a nap. Aren't I exciting??

Since school is out I'm finding it hard to get motivated so I'm trying something new. I bought a day planner and I'm going to start scheduling art and writing so that I know I'm making time for it. My therapist thinks that if I treat it like an appointment, I'll keep it. So I got me a new planner at Staples yesterday and I'm going to try it out. I do believe that if I stay on top of it, it will work.

Musings

2006-06-01T07:09:00.000-04:00

Zach's in respite and will be going to the Bridge program this morning for a 45 day assessment of his needs. He is not happy and is playing up the remorseful child mode to the hilt. What he doesn't realize yet is that my heart is harden to that ploy now. I know I'm doing the right thing for him. He needs more structure than I can provide because he thinks that now that he is bigger than me, he doesn't have to listen to me or follow my rules so his behavior is out of control. I can't let it continue or he will be unable to pull himself back from the wrong path. I have to let him hate me for the time being in an effort to ensure his safety from himself.

The Iris above is outside my front stairs. The blooms weren't there just a couple days ago and now I have about 6 beautiful flowers. I haven't really done any landscaping since I bought the house almost 9 years ago so I don't remember where these came from but I'm not complaining. They are so beautiful. I absolutely love purple and yellow together.

I went back to work in the gallery yesterday. It was nice to have a couple weeks off (not that I actually work hard there very often). I hadn't been on campus since my last final on May 17th. I am on the Dean's list for this past semester. I got an A in Critical Survey of Photography, B+'s in Art History II and Photojournalism, and a B- in Basic Design II. Given my attendance due to Zach's issues, I am pleased. I missed a lot of Design classes and was late on 2 projects. The last 2 projects were completed on time though. I am amazed that I did so well with all the garbage going on at home. I am proud of myself. Here's the final project for Design. I had done a photo essay on abandoned property and found a site where there was a lot of TV's and computers thrown off a small bridge to the train tracks below. I used a lot of items from that spot to create this 3D assemblage. It was a lot of fun to put together.

Spring has sprung

2006-05-28T18:57:00.000-04:00

My friend Lisa knew I was having a horrible time with Zach over the past few weeks so she brought me a bouquet of flowers. This picture is from that bouquet. I was practicing using the macro mode on my digital camera. I have a ways to go. This camera is complicated. I miss my Olympus SLR film camera. It was the easiest camera to use and I always got the picture I wanted. I was rarely disappointed. The only problem it had was a crappy on camera flash. The flash on my Fuji is actually pretty good. I can use it and get a better shot at times. On camera flashes don't usually enhance the photo but this one has it uses.

Zach

2006-05-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

He's my sweet boy that keeps breaking my heart. The past two weeks have been the worst yet and we haven't even been to court for the arraignment. He's coming apart on me and I don't know how to hold him together. He has made every bad decision possible from lighting fires to being with friends who shoplift to running away. There's so much more but I don't want a laundry list of his misdeeds here. I want to help him so badly before he makes a choice that can't be undone. I have turned to every state agency that is suppose to be there for troubled kids and been turned away. I am scared to death that they will not act until he has hurt himself or someone else. I did finally scream loud enough to get DSS to secure a date for him to go into their Bridge Program. He starts next Thursday and DMH is going to have a respite spot for him on Monday but in the meantime, I am having to watch him like a hawk because every time he has left the house lately, he's been brought home by the police (who refuse to arrest him for some reason beyond my understanding). I love this child so much and worry that my love is not enough. It cannot keep him safe when he is spiraling out of control. He needs to be in a locked medical facility so his meds can be analyzed and adjusted as well as getting a definitive diagnosis but that can't happen without the cooperation of a Crisis Team. They claim he doesn't meet their guidelines. I'll sue them first if something happens that could have been prevented if they'd only listened to me.

School is winding down

2006-05-11T13:31:00.000-04:00

Today was the last day of classes. Wow! This semester has flown by. I am amazed. I did my final critique in Photojournalism yesterday. I'm glad to have one final out of the way. I have three more to go. Art History is Monday, Critical Survey of Photography is Tuesday, and Basic Design II is Wednesday. They are spread out nicely.

The final for Design is a 3D assemblage project. I'm using a gutted computer monitor as my container. I had found one during my photo essay for my photojournalism project but my friend Michael threw it away last week when he was cleaning out my garage. He obviously didn't realize it was an art piece waiting to happen. :~) Thankfully I had a 10 year old monitor sitting in my art studio so Nicole started gutting it for me the other day. I have some great found objects that I'm going to use for the assemblage and I've done transfers of photos I've taken of urban decay that I'm going to use like wallpaper inside. I plan to have CD collages hang inside and have a light in the back (or on the bottom) to hopefully illuminate the back of the CD's and cast a cool glow within.

The other two finals are written so I will be studying this weekend. The Art History final includes a lot of paintings and sculpture that will have to be identified and there will be two comparison essays. They are tough but at least I know what to expect. Critical Survey is going to be a mystery. His tests to date have all been different. He gave me an A on the first response paper I submitted so I'm fairly confident that I come out with a decent grade overall. I have a good average so far. I will miss this semester and I will also be so glad when it's over.

Praying to the "Good Grade" Goddess...