Another Crisis

We ended up in the ER again. It's not where I wanted to be. He threatened to hurt himself but wasn't serious. I called the police because he went after his sister with the knife. I asked them to arrest him so I could show the world that he needs help. He was so mad at me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But the police in their infinite wisdom decided he needed to go to the ER because there were marks on his neck. So once again I wasted an entire night sitting and waiting only to be told to take him home. No crisis here ma'am. In whose eyes??

This crisis counselor at least gave me more information on programs to insist DSS refer him to. They have residential treatment homes where Zach would get the help he needs and be forced to practice the coping skills so that he doesn't reach for a knife everytime the least little thing goes wrong. It would appear I'll be seeking for a lock box or a way to lock one of my cabinet or drawers so the knives remain off limits. I can't believe I'm living this way because of a 12 year old.

And the 17 year old is acting is like a 5 year old so this is just so much fun. Can a mother divorce her children?? She provokes him incessantly and then complains about how he treats her. Funny, he learned at her knee. She was so abusive to him when he was smaller than her. Now he's bigger and can fight back and she does not like it. Life as their mom is not what I bargained for most days.

Zach's back!

Zach left for respite on Monday afternoon and I picked him up this morning. We took about a half hour before I dropped him off at school to reconnect and for him to fill me in on how the experience was. He was staying in a residential treatment program run by DSS even though his placement for respite was through DMH. The boys there were not the best behaved and a few of them had to be physically restrained. Zach was witness to this and did not want it to be him. He claims to have a new appreciation for home and mom. I am quite sure it will be short lived but I'll take what I can get.

Crisis at my house

How does something as simple as sharing a computer turn into a crisis? Make my children the two people sharing it. We ended up with police and an ambulance and a crisis intervention over using the computer.

What's even more unnerving is the fact that our local crisis team refused to admit my son after he made two actual suicide attempts/threats. They sent him home saying he's not in crisis now-about 2 hrs. later (I'd been able to get psych meds into him before we left for the hospital - my bad). This is not the first time they have done this. Can we say "NEGLIGENT"? And how is it I haven't had a drink in 5 years???

I called the sperm donor on the way to the ER. He couldn't come with us because he'd been drinking at dinner so driving wasn't possible. Lovely! Can we say "Handle this alone Kim??" Oh but he was so concerned that I had to call him back when it was all over.

Meanwhile, child #1 is slowly melting down too. I don't see good things for her in the near future if things don't change. I don't think she's taking what few meds she's on and I so believe she needs to go back on a couple she stopped. Her reactions as of late have been off the charts too.

I have this fantasy of packing my car with my cameras & equipment, my computer, my clothes, and my art supplies. I empty the bank account of whatever is left in there and hit the highway. No destination in mind - I just drive until I can't drive anymore. I call their father as I cross a state line a few states away and let him know I'm not coming back; that he can handle it now. But I won't because I love them and I want them to grow up to be healthy, highly functioning adults. That would never happen under his care. If they are to have a chance at a good life, it's with me and besides, I signed on for life. Maybe I should just take a vacation.

In the meantime, the reception for the art show is Thursday night. It should be fun. The gallery is packed with art literally from floor to ceiling and the art building halls are overflowing as well. The work on display is amazing. Good things are happening in the midst of turmoil.

More Shit and yet hope too

Zach slept through school yesterday and it's beginning to look like he's going to do it again today. He was up all night and fell asleep 20 minutes ago. It's 5AM. Not conducive to getting up at 6:45 for school. His DSS case worker will be here tomorrow afternoon for our first meeting. This may not go well. But the good news is the change in his medication. She, the clinical nurse specialist, upped the dosage on his Adderall and I gave it to him yesterday afternoon for the first time. What a difference! He was calm, relaxed, and well-behaved. He even noticed the change. He rarely ever sees the difference his meds make but this one was so obvious. I think his problem sleeping last night had a lot to do with a cup of coffee he had and that he didn't get up until 1:30 in the afternoon. I hate when this happens. Nicole used to have this problem too. Her sleep pattern would get disrupted and it would take days to get her back on track. Hopefully he'll be back in sync tomorrow.

Nicole had her pre-op check-up yesterday and everything is good so surgery is on for tomorrow morning. She wants the boyfriend there. I'm so tired of the boyfriend. He's a big guy so he's hard to avoid. I don't want to be tripping over him but hopefully he'll be smart enough to leave for his class at 3PM (in New Hampshire!). His being at the house will let me check in with my professors if she's feeling ok after the procedure. I've missed so much school on Mondays and Wednesdays so it's the same 2 classes that are suffering. Both teachers are being understanding but that will only go so far.

I did the pre-registration for next semester. It's my last three classes. Then I'll have another Associates degree but even more so, a decision. Where to go from here? I know I'm going to continue on. Now it's just deciding where that will be. I've narrowed it down to 3 schools. Smith College, UMASS, and Hartford Art School. UMASS is my least favorite but because of my enrollment at the community college, I'm already accepted so it's the easiest to get into. Smith will look at my academics (3.85 GPA) and Hartford will look at my portfolio (I'm unsure how it looks). I'm not ready yet. :~) I need to do some campus visits and department visits. Smith and Hartford have state of the art photo departments and UMASS doesn't so they are already heads above but UMASS is part of the 5 college consortium so I could take classes at Amherst, Hampshire, Smith, and Mt. Holyoke as part of my curriculum at UMASS (can do the same at Smith). I have a lot to take into consideration.

2 photos published in the college paper

Shit, shit, and more shit

This has been a shitty week so far. I went to court with Zach on Monday on the CHINS case for his truancy. Since he'd been suspended twice and missed or was late many days since we were there in January, I knew what we were facing. He had to go before the judge and admit he was a "CHild In Need Of Services" and that meant that legal custody of him would go to the Department of Social Services. I have physical custody however. So this is pretty bad, right? What does my son do? He's late to school the next day and then gets detention for insubordination. Ok. I'm trying to keep it together. Wednesday he tells me he's got another detention on Thursday. I'm thinking "Great - they are not going to like this." but little did I know how that day would unfold. I called home after my last class yesterday and Nicole told me that Zach was home when she got there so I'm panicking. He's going to get suspended for skipping detention. She put him on the phone and he advises me that he didn't serve the detention because he'd already been suspended. Lovely! Sure enough, I come home to find a message on the answering machine from the newly appointed case worker from DSS wanting to meet with me (he doesn't know yet) to go over the details of how this will work.

So what do I do now? His attitude sucks so bad. He refuses to accept the responsibility of his behavior at school. His view is that the Vice Prin. is out to get him. He didn't really do anything wrong. He's not getting it or he is and he's trying to play us. I can't get ahold of his father - naturally. I am so frustrated and don't have a clue what to do.

I'm juggling 4 classes, a part-time job, two full-time kids, and very messy house. My ex does not help with the kids at all and never has. My daughter is having surgery next week. My car is falling apart as are my joints so I'm in physical therapy. Something has to give and I don't know what that will be but I'm guessing it'll be Zach's residence.

Nicole's nervous about next week so Zach's crap is really stressing her out. She doesn't do stress well. She ends up aggravating him even more in her misguided attempts at helping him see the light and we end up in WWIII. That I haven't had a heart attack is such a blessing.

So I keep breathing as deeply as I can and putting my faith in a Divine Source that will lead us to the highest good for us all. Whatever comes of this will make us stronger. I have to believe.

I'm published - photographically

I signed up to do photography for the student newspaper on campus and last month they assigned an event to me. It was Black History month and the campus was hosting a Black Invention Exhibit. At the exhibit, many groups of children came and performed essays and poems as well as double dutch. I took a couple of great shots of the kids and they ended up on the front page of the next issue.

I am a published photojournalist!! I am so excited. I have been experiencing a host of firsts and this one is precious to me.

The exam results

I passed both but one much better than the other. I got a 98 on the test in Critical Survey of Photography and about a 78 in Art History II. I missed out on points on the second essay because I was out the day he discussed one of the sculptures that was being compared; Mary Magdalen by Donatello. Oddly, I got 6.5 out of 10 without being in class for the lecture so I felt really good about that. I got 8 out of 10 on the first essay and 12 out of 14 on the slide id's. Overall I was extremely pleased. If I do better on the remaining 2 tests, he'll lower the effect of the first test on my grade so I have a chance to get an A. I'm trying to keep my GPA up. I'm at 3.85 right now and want it to stay there. It'll help me when I transfer.

Midterm in Critical Survey tomorrow. I am not ready. I'll be studying tonight!

Testing

I survived the first exams in Art History II and Critical Survey of Photography. They were Thursday and Friday of last week. I'm glad they're over and now I know what to expect on the rest of the tests. Whew!

College

The new semester has begun. I have a full course load and I'm worried. I love the challenge college offers but at the same time, it can be so overwhelming. My art history class is going to be tough. I'm just wanting to get through it. I have a photo art history class also. That will really keep my attention. I love photos. I have photojournalism right after it and have Frank Ward for the first time. He's a very engaging teacher. We did a photo shot the other day. He was being paid to shot a new employee on campus so the class was able to go along with him and take our own shots. I took 30 and I hope to get at least one or two that are decent. My tripod broke so I had to hold my camera. I also don't have a professional flash so I had to use the one my camera came with. I took the shots both with and without the flash to increase the chance that I'd get a good one. I'm anxious to develop the film to see how it came out. The last class I have is Basic Design II with Amy's ex-boyfriend. We'll be working with color and paint so it should be good.

In the meantime, I'm looking for a college to transfer to next January when I graduate from HCC. I could transfer now since I just graduated from STCC but I want the AS in Visual Arts. My degree from STCC is in Business Admin and that's not where I want to be. I'm looking at the Univ. of Hartford - Hartford Art School, Smith College, and UMASS. I can't go far since I'm tethered to my children and my house. I could rent out the house but not the kids so driving distance it is.

I'm so amazed at myself. I finished that degree. I started my college education at STCC in January 1979 as a very scared 18 year old girl. I had no idea where I was headed or what I wanted. No, that's not true. I wanted to party and I wanted to be loved. I spent the next 22 years pursuing both. I didn't accomplish the college education and I didn't find my one true love. I did have two fabulous kids (most of the time) and become an alcoholic. A true underachiever. Well, I'm still a mom but now I'm almost 5 years sober. I had stopped 2 courses shy of the degree after starting and stopping so many times. This time I pushed on. I looked at all the ways that I had sabotaged myself, afraid more of the success I could have than the miserable life I was existing in. I faced my demons and decided that when I returned to college in the fall of 2004, I would finish the degree I started even though I didn't want it anymore. It would be a gift to myself. I would finish something that was scary.

I was afraid to move too far ahead of my humble beginnings. My mother, a very bright woman, was married and pregnant when she graduated high school. Higher education was never part of the equation. My older siblings struggled with basic education so college was not part of their future plan. I was the shining hope and a lot sat on my shoulders. I didn't think I was up to the challenge or the honor so I made excuses on why I couldn't complete my education. Well, my mom is gone. The man I thought was my father is dead and he's not my father. My real father isn't a part of my life. My older sisters aren't a part of my life and my younger brother is proud of anything I do as are my kids. So here I am doing this for me. As it should be. I am so proud of having this degree. I got out of my own way and did it. How cool is that? I can't wait to see what I end up doing when I grow up. . .