Surgical Progress

I went to the program Thursday for a post-op support group. It was my first time near a good scale. The one I have is not exactly accurate. I was astounded. I had lost 14.8 pounds from the morning of the surgery. By my scale this morning, I've lost another 4 or 5 pounds. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since my operation. WOW! I should have close to 50 off before the next semester starts. I am psyched!

I feel good and I'm moving really well. I drove all over creation yesterday with Zach. He was home for a visit. The only complaint I have is the gas I get from eating. I am discovering that I also have to eat slower than I'm used to or I get indigestion. I am quickly figuring out how to live as a gastric bypass person.

Zach had a craving for soft-serve ice cream so we stopped at a place. I wasn't going to order anything (duh!) but the girl behind the counter told me that they had sugar-free soft serve. So I got a small (kiddie size) dish and Zach got a medium cone. I got down about a third of my dish. Zach ate the rest. He was amazed at how little I could eat. I calculated that I had ingested about 12 oz. of solid food yesterday. It took 5 meals to get that much down. No wonder the weight seems to be dripping off me.

It's all becoming very real now. Within a year, I will recognize the person I see in the mirror. I haven't for so long. I had the image of myself as one when I was about 30 and relatively thin. This heavy woman isn't someone I know. I am surprised every time I catch my image in a mirror. I am getting the outside to match the inside. It's been so long . . .

As I recover

Yesterday was one of the toughest days yet. The smells of everyone's grills nauseauted me. Nothing I ate agreed with my new stomach. I spent most of the day in bed afraid that I'd throw up. My abdomen was so extended from gas and it was pushing on my new itty bitty tummy. Not good. But I survived. I feel like I wasn't ready for the pureed foods I was taking in. So today I'm going to stay liquid and maybe add one food. Egg doesn't seem to be a good choice so I'll stick with applesauce.

On a good note - I've lost about 10 pounds so far. I'm pretty excited about that. I just need to make sure I guard my health as the weight peels off. And I'm adjusting to life without coffee. I wasn't sure how I'd do but no withdrawals from it. I had switched to the 50/50 coffee for 2 months prior to the surgery in effort to reduce my caffeine dependency.

Zach's come by with his father for a couple of quick visits. He's more interested in finding his friends. We've got a few more days, 10 actually, before they tell me what's going to happen for him. I've been too sick to check in with the house manager so I don't know how things have been going. On my to do list. . .

Life's little update

Well, it's day 7 out from the surgery. I'm able to walk without any discomfort. Sitting up is still a bit sore but gets easier every day. I can see the progress in my recovery. I haven't seen much in the way of weight loss but it's hard to lose weight when you're sedentary. Oh shit - I think I just learned something. Now I'm going to have to use it. Exercise is important. Gee, why didn't I get that before they hit in me in the stomach with a semi?

Not eating is hard though. My food addiction is kicking my ass. Every food commercial I see makes me want to run to the nearest fast food place and pig out. Reason and the fact that I've just had most of stomach cut away has kept me home. Actually, I'm breathing through it like I use to with cigarettes. I know I'm not hungry. I just see it and want it. So now I change the channel as soon as a food commercial comes on. I'm adapting. Actually, I'm changing to the party plan so to speak. I realized yesterday that I had mistaken "fat free" jello with sugar free. I had been eating it and wondering why my stomach wasn't tolerating all that well. I was mortified to see that it has 19 grams of sugar per serving. I'm allowed 8 grams per 4 oz. Mystery solved. Jello to be fed to my son.

My ex is bringing Zach home from a visit today because I can't drive yet. It'll be good to see him and to have a reason to get dressed. I'm going to make them take me to the grocery store. Oh - an outing. :~)

Life is good.

The surgery was a success

Well, I didn't die anyway. The true test of its success will be how much weight I lose. This was a toughy. I felt like the Pat's field goal kicker had used my stomach as target practice the first day. I'm moving around pretty well today but sleeping is difficult. I'm used to sleeping on my side but I can't right now because the weight of my skin pulls at the incisions. So it's onto my back and that leads to snoring which wakes me up. I'm hoping that I can get on my side soon.

The hospital experience was a good one. The nurses were attentive and I had my own room. My doctor from the weight program came to see me a couple times and of course, the surgeon. The only complication was a slight fever and I think that was from my nasal congestion due to my allergies. My BP was through the roof but I know that it will get better as the weight comes off. I have to see my primary about it.

One of my nurses had the surgery 10 years ago and looks fabulous. I do hope I can use this tool appropriately and not push the limits. I have wanted to eat but more out of habit, not hunger. It was hard with the hospital serving everyone but me. I got ice chips the first day, water the second, and moved up to Diet Snapple on the third. It'll be a few more days before I can start having pureed foods. Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to it. I can have sugar-free Jello right now so I'm making some for later. It will feel good to have something I almost have to chew. The protein drink I bought is pretty good so I am at least having something tasty.

So, all in all, it's been a fairly good experience to date. I do think I may drop my independent study so I can just concentrate on my recovery but I'm going to wait until next week to make that decision. Thankfully Amy isn't expecting me back at the gallery for a couple weeks.

Storms followed my emotions

Storms mimicked my emotions over the past few days. They were fierce but in the end, the results were spectacular.

Tumultous emotions

I'm a jumble of emotions. The manager of the home where Zach's is living right now told me that he's not doing very well. In fact, he's showing them all the same behavior that I was seeing. I thought it was just at home but I was wrong.

The hard part is dealing with the idea that he may not be coming home and the mixed emotions I have around that. I hadn't talked to him for a few days because of the conference I was working and participating in over the weekend so when we connected Sunday, I was overwhelmed. I didn't realize how much I missed him. When we hung up, I burst into tears.

I'm really having to grasp that my son may not live with me for a long time. I thought that it was what I wanted when he was here, with behavior I couldn't handle. Now that it's a real possibility, I'm blown away by the idea of it. I want what's best for him, though. If that means that he has to live in a group home with 24/7 supervision and male counselors, then that's what I will advocate for. My needs are secondary in this.

Spirits in Motion

I spent the better part of the last two days at a conference held at my church called Spirits in Motion. It was put together by the Women's Spirituality group that I belong to that's affiliated with the church. We had two women come in to lead both rituals and intensives. I spent today with ALisa Starkweather. The morning intensive was about transformation using breathwork. She took us through an exercise where we worked with the wall we all butt up against; that blocks us from reaching the other side; the brass ring so to speak. In the afternoon session, we worked on how to bring our visions to form. I came away from both with a great deal of inspiration and a deep sense of connection with all the women in the group. It was an incredible experience; especially the Transformational Breathwork™. If you've never done it, I highly recommend you find a facilitator. It was profound. And if you ever get a chance to go to one of ALisa's workshops or conferences, GO! She's amazing with an energy that is powerful and loving and supportive. I am so glad I was there this weekend.

The start of a new life

I saw my surgeon yesterday. It's real now. On June 26th I'm having gastric bypass surgery. I will be on my way to health and fitness again. I am so excited and nervous too. I'm thinking of using this experience as a photo essay opportunity. While I hate the idea of taking my own photo, especially right now, I do think documenting the changes could be really beneficial for all those who are contemplating this life altering surgery. I never thought I'd be one but here I am.

I'm glad I had to go through the classes and attend the support group meetings. It helped me become truly educated about what the surgery entails and what I can expect afterward. It will be a dramatic change but I'm ready for it. I need a major shake-up to end my food addiction. The surgery inhibits the appetite hormones for about 2 years so I will have that time to really learn new ways of coping with my stress. I think writing is the first way to do that.

I'll keep writing about it...

TGIF

I'm glad the weekend is almost here. I've been spackling the gallery this week. We had so many holes in the walls from the last show, the student art exhibit. I'm going in to sand and paint today. I hope we get it done quickly.

Zach's really settling in to the program. He ran home from school on Monday but after hearing about all the horrible things (like lock-up) that await him if he keeps this crap up, he seems to have decided to behave for a while. I hope he keeps it up but if not, I'm ready to let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions. It's taken me a long time to get here. My therapist is proud. So is his. They've been coaching me to stop protecting him from his own behavior.

Nicole went to her bestfriend's graduation last night. I know it was bittersweet for her because she should have been graduating this year as well. She was great about it though. And she looked so pretty. She actually took off her combat boots for a night. Here she is:

This is my goth girl extraordinaire! For her to show leg is amazing. The kitty is Samhain (pronounced Sow-ein) but we call her Sam. She is Nicole's constant companion. Niki would love to put her on a leash and take her everywhere but I don't think Sam would appreciate it.

So she had a fabulous night and I had the house to myself. Too bad my phone and DSL were down. I ended up taking a nap. Aren't I exciting??

Since school is out I'm finding it hard to get motivated so I'm trying something new. I bought a day planner and I'm going to start scheduling art and writing so that I know I'm making time for it. My therapist thinks that if I treat it like an appointment, I'll keep it. So I got me a new planner at Staples yesterday and I'm going to try it out. I do believe that if I stay on top of it, it will work.

Musings

Zach's in respite and will be going to the Bridge program this morning for a 45 day assessment of his needs. He is not happy and is playing up the remorseful child mode to the hilt. What he doesn't realize yet is that my heart is harden to that ploy now. I know I'm doing the right thing for him. He needs more structure than I can provide because he thinks that now that he is bigger than me, he doesn't have to listen to me or follow my rules so his behavior is out of control. I can't let it continue or he will be unable to pull himself back from the wrong path. I have to let him hate me for the time being in an effort to ensure his safety from himself.

The Iris above is outside my front stairs. The blooms weren't there just a couple days ago and now I have about 6 beautiful flowers. I haven't really done any landscaping since I bought the house almost 9 years ago so I don't remember where these came from but I'm not complaining. They are so beautiful. I absolutely love purple and yellow together.

I went back to work in the gallery yesterday. It was nice to have a couple weeks off (not that I actually work hard there very often). I hadn't been on campus since my last final on May 17th. I am on the Dean's list for this past semester. I got an A in Critical Survey of Photography, B+'s in Art History II and Photojournalism, and a B- in Basic Design II. Given my attendance due to Zach's issues, I am pleased. I missed a lot of Design classes and was late on 2 projects. The last 2 projects were completed on time though. I am amazed that I did so well with all the garbage going on at home. I am proud of myself. Here's the final project for Design. I had done a photo essay on abandoned property and found a site where there was a lot of TV's and computers thrown off a small bridge to the train tracks below. I used a lot of items from that spot to create this 3D assemblage. It was a lot of fun to put together.