Musings

I'm sitting here listening to a woman, Launa Kleiver, read from Rudolf Steiner's Calendar of the Soul. My sweet cat, Myst, is sleeping on the desk beside me, snoring just a little. I reflect on this time of year with a grateful heart. I attended my last class at Holyoke Community College yesterday. I have two finals next Wednesday and my education there will be done. So will my job at the campus art gallery. These are sad transitions for me but I am excited as well to begin the next chapter of my educational adventure.

In January, I begin work on my BA in Art at Westfield State College. I'll be taking two core classes and two studio art classes. It will be a busy semester. The core classes are Intro to Computer Programming (a math alternative) and Women in Modern Organizations (US Diversity). My art classes are Computer Graphics and Electronic Publication Design. They will sustain me as I stumble through the other two. I'm sure I'll do well in all of them but the art classes are what interest me. A couple more core classes and it will be all art classes for me. I can't wait.

I'll be posting some photos in a few days of a beautiful place in Leverett, MA. It's called the Peace Pagoda. Nicole and I went there in October (and I've only just now gotten the film developed). It is one of the most serene and gentle places I've ever been. I could download a low res copy from Snapfish but I'd rather scan them myself at a higher resolution so it'll be a couple days before they come in. I'm anxious to share. Have a great day!

Good things are happening

School is beginning to wind down. I am done with this semester in one month. That means, provided there are no complications, I graduate with an A.S. in Visual Arts/Photography in January. I have ambivalent feelings about this. On one hand, I am so excited to get this degree. I have worked hard for it. On the other hand, I am leaving my educational home. I am registered at a four year school beginning in January. I have my classes scheduled; Computer Graphics 1, Electronic Publication Media, Major British Writers, and Women in Modern Organizations. Getting registered for classes was an exercise in persistence. The Universe wanted to know if I was serious and gave me quite a few challenges. I am happy to report that I overcame each and every one.

Zach got his first report card of the year. He had all A's with one exception; it was a B+. I think I can handle that. He and I had our first "community" visit last weekend. It was so nice to be able to be with him out of that house and away from all those other kids and staff. He and I really enjoyed it. He's home Thursday from 10AM to 8PM. It's also his birthday in addition to Thanksgiving. He's going to be 13. I bought him a new Playstation 2 and his father got him Guitar Hero II which is a game for it. The game comes with a guitar and the game plays like DDR. It's pretty cool because the songs in are really good - lots of old rock.

Nicole started her first job this week. She's at Circuit City as a sales associate. I am so proud of her. She put in a lot of hours over the weekend and even 5 hours last night. She's doing so well. Her birthday is Friday. She's going to be 18. How did my baby get to be 18? She was just a 2 lb 9.5 oz preemie yesterday. It's so inspiring to see the beautiful woman she's becoming from such a difficult beginning. She's also an A student this year (just like last year). She's handling the breakup with her boyfriend really well. I am so proud of her and Zach too. They are both doing so well and growing up so wonderfully.

I'm cooking Thursday which should be interesting since I won't be able to eat much of it; a couple bits of potatoes and a little stuffing. Forget the birthday cakes. Actually, Zach wants banana cream pie instead of a cake but Nicole wants cake. She's a traditional girl. I've lost over 60 pounds so far and am still adjusting to my new stomach. It still gets finicky at times. I'm learning what can and can't have the hard way. It's all worth it. I feel fantastic and I think I'm looking pretty good right now. I do want to lose another 50 pounds though. In the end, life just keeps getting better.

Honors Convocation

Tonight was the Honors Convocation at my college, Holyoke Community College. The Honors Convocation is an event the college puts on annually to bring together the best students and honor their accomplishments. I was privileged to be one of them tonight. I was not expecting the letter that came to ask me to participate. I knew nothing of this program. I was just trying to do my very best in each class I took. The requirements are that you achieve a GPA of 3.5 or higher and you must take 30 credit hours or more at HCC. This is my last semester there and this was a fantastic way to finish off my HCC academic career.

I'm the one in the red in the photo. My daughter and her boyfriend joined me and she was the photographer. It's a pretty good shot considering she was about 100 feet away from me at the time. I love my digital camera - it's a Fuji Finepix S9000. What you can't tell from the photo is that my feet are screaming at me to sit down. I was wearing a pair of heels that have been sitting in my closet for years. Now I know why. I have a wedding tomorrow night and my feet are going to be swollen from walking and standing in those pumps. I so wish I'd worn flats.

Other than that, it was a wonderful evening. I felt so proud of myself and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel guilty for being proud. I've worked hard and it was that hard work that landed me on that stage. It felt amazing to be recognized. Life just keeps getting better and better.

First week of school

School started this week. It's my last semester at this college. In January I will be graduating with an A.S. in Visual Arts/Photography. It's hard to believe I'm here already. Of course, I'm not stopping. I will be transferring to a 4 year school to earn a Bachelor's. I'm not going too far with my Associates.

The first class this week was an art class; Basic Drawing. The teacher was so anal that I spent Wednesday morning rearranging my classes so I could take it with another teacher. Thankfully it all worked out. I do have an evening lab which I didn't want but it's much less an issue that staying in that first drawing class. I've started working on my web design class that I'm taking online and I really like. My Environmental Science class is online too. It amazes me how many courses are offered through online learning. I do like the science class. I want to learn more about this beautiful world and what I can do to make it a better place to live. Art History is awesome too. It's hard to believe that I was panicked January at thought of taking the first Art History class. It's one of my favorites now.

I am constantly surprised at how much better my life is now than 5 years ago when I got sober. I'm losing weight (40 lbs. so far), I'm in college, and I've discovered a spiritual community that sustains me. Life is good!

Labor Day Weekend

It's a long weekend and we've had lots of rain. Tomorrow is predicted to be clear and warmer than we've seen lately. It feels like fall already. Tuesday is the first day of classes for me. I only have one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays; Basic Drawing. I'm a little concerned about this class. Drawing isn't a strong skill for me. I hope that as long as I show up, do the work, and participate in class, I'll be ok. I'm trying to keep my GPA up above 3.5 so I need good grades this semester.

Niki and Zach started school this past week. Zach still doesn't have a permanent placement so he started at his old school. I would love to see him continue there but I know it's no longer my decision. That's tough to handle. He's doing well in the home he's in right now so I'm hopeful that he's going to handle the transition well. He's starting to understand that his behavior is what determines how fast he gets home.

Nicole is doing well and this school year is going to be fun for her. Her school is going to do what they can to get her a college class at my school. I'm hoping she takes a photo or art class. She'll love it.

So I'm relaxing this weekend. I'm going to be really busy until Christmas. It's all good!

Monday again . . .

It's Monday again. It still feels like Friday and I don't know why. I ended a phone call a little while ago and told the caller to have a nice weekend. Oops! My brain is not at full function it seems. I need more sleep.

I saw Zach yesterday. He really seems to be doing well at the new place. We can only visit for one hour a week and he takes full advantage of it; not a minute wasted whining or complaining. I was pleased. He played foosball with his dad (his 44th birthday yesterday) and Dad won. Zach wasn't ticked off. I see growth. This is good.

School starts in 2 weeks. I picked up books for 2 of my classes and the total came to $205. For only TWO classes. Thankfully my art class doesn't have a book but my web design class does. It's not in yet. My Environmental Science class has 3 for some reason. I don't get it. Anyway, it's my last semester there so I'm going to enjoy and make the most of this time with Zach out of the house. I'm thinking of adding an independent study in Photography in addition to the 4 classes I'm taking. Then I think, I'm taking on too much. I won't know until I try so I think I will.

I'm just so grateful for the peace that I've found this summer. I've been horribly unproductive in my art but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. I did have major surgery 8 weeks ago so I guess I should be a little more gentle with myself. I'm down about 35 pounds. I feel so much better. I walked up a lot of stairs on campus today without huffing and puffing. It was wonderful.

Glorious Day

I went to a bridal shower today. Now normally, I despise bridal showers. I don't even like baby showers. I am so not a girly girl when it comes to that stuff but I went because it was for my best friend's stepdaughter and she needed an ally. It was being hosted by the ex-wife and would be filled with all of her relatives. Lisa was relieved to not have to do anything but bring balloons and a corsage (Lisa's a florist - she always brings the flowers). I met her there.

The "party" was held at the ex-wife's friend's house in a suburb on the other side of Springfield. I live on the river side - not so affluent. This house was in a really old, wealthy area. The house was built in 1850. It still had a stone wall in front of it. It was the most charming two story Victorian. There was a front porch reminiscent of the old ante-bellum homes. The hostess, a very nice woman named Marsha, had decorated it with wicker and wrought iron furniture. There were three candleliers hanging that just took my breath away. The front room that opens onto the porch is their music room complete with a baby grand piano. The ceiling was painted with cherubs and clouds. The fireplace was amazing.

The most amazing part was the cellar. Yes, she let us go into her cellar. It was completely remodeled to be a dark pub. The first room as you come down the stairs is a small sitting room with a brick floor and stone walls. In the pub itself were leather club chairs, a wooden phone booth, a bar about 30' long, and a wide screen TV. It would have been a great place to hang out in my drinking days. Hell, they even had Sam Adams beer on tap.

My favorite room was the kitchen. It was long and narrow but all the space was used so effectively. One of the large windows to the backyard had a beautiful window seat. The counters were dark granite and the cabinetry was white. They offset each other perfectly. Half the back wall and around the corner was all windows so you could see out into the wooded back. It was like looking out into a park. They even had a Victorian playhouse for kids that visit. Actually they had about 5 small buildings (shed-like) on the property.

Every time I looked at the landscaping, I found something new to delight in. One area had a bicycle painted white holding flower pots. Birdhouses abounded and trinket popped up from beds of plantings. One old tree sat off from the porch and while it was empty, one could just envision an old fashion tree swing hanging from a huge branch that came straight out perpendicular to the ground and then shot upward about 10' from the trunk.

I felt like I had walked into one of my fantasies. I love old Victorian houses and I love enormous porches, not to mention the park-like setting of the yard. It was amazing. And doesn't it just figure that I forgot my digital camera. I actually forgot all my cameras so on the way I stopped at Big Lots and bought a disposable one. Lisa's going to develop it along with her film so I'll post pictures when I get them.

It was a wonderful 3 hours but I was the first out the door. When Heather finished opening the presents, I booked. I felt bad leaving Lisa but she had 2 of her sisters-in-law to talk to and Heather's future groom was bringing their daughter so she'd have Ava to play with. It felt good to go and it felt good to come home.

I visited with Zach yesterday in another old mansion. He's staying in a house used as a 2 week shelter for kids awaiting placement. I only got to see a small part of the first floor and was blown away. The fireplace in the room where we sat talking had a hand carved mantle and surround that went from the floor to the ceiling. The banister going to the second floor had a hand carved newel post. It was not up to its former glory but it could be. Unfortunately, DSS is a state agency and keeping these homes well maintained is not a priority in their much too small budget. We should know by the beginning of next week where Zach will be living. It's so hard having him gone and it's a wonderful break at the same time. I'm resting and recovering from the surgery still so I'm glad I have this time to myself. I'm just glad he's safe (more from himself than anything else).

This week!

It's been one hell of a week so far. Some good, some bad. Some expected, some surprises. I had Zach with me on Tuesday. He'd been playing football with the guys at the house and the ball jammed his ring finger on his left hand. It was incredibly swollen and bruised. They did not take him to the ER or even call his pediatrician. I took him to his appointment with the pediatric endocrinologist and she took one look and said off to XRay. Sure enough, it was fractured. So he's wearing a splint for the next three weeks.

We went to a meeting after that with his social worker. It was a team meeting with placement specialists. My ex, David, actually made it to this one as did Zach's therapist. He's moving from the house he's at to a two week shelter in Springfield next Wednesday. While he's there, they will be finding him a permanent placement in one of their residential treatment programs. I knew this was coming and had tried to prepare Zach for it but he was still so upset. He keeps wanting us to trust that he will change his behavior but he hasn't done it yet. I don't trust him to be safe. I think this will be good for him.

The good news at the doctor's appointment is that she doesn't feel he has a thyroid condition. She believes his medications are affecting the thyroid tests that have been run. Before the XRay, we went to the lab and had more blood drawn. They couldn't find his vein. It was awful for him. Hopefully it will confirm her feelings. Nicole and I have both suffered from Graves Disease so I don't want Zach to have to follow suit.

Meanwhile, the heat is making life hell. Yesterday, my birthday no less, was the hottest day of the year so far. We hit 100 degrees with 90% humidity. A storm finally hit about 5:30 yesterday afternoon. It was fierce. It blew in three of my screens and knocked stuff all over my porch. There are branches down in the street and my front yard. The old maple in front of my house loses branches with every storm. I've had the city people here to trim it (it belongs to the city, not me) but obviously not enough was removed. My car is parked right next to it so I can keep it shaded. Maybe not the best idea.

But it was my birthday and I had a wonderfully quiet day. Well, I was on the phone with various people for about a total of 3 hours but other than that it was quiet. I only buzzed into work to open and close the gallery and did about 45 minutes at physical therapy (stiff shoulder). I totally relaxed once I was home for good.

Today is starting out oppresively hot. It was 75 degrees when I woke at 5:30 this morning. Yuck! They are predicting more storms today and then we are getting a break from the heat and humidity. Thank Goddess!

Good moon shot - finally

Changes, changes, changes

Wow - life comes quickly. I finished my independent study last week. He gave me an A. I am so amazed. I didn't start printing photos until about 4 days before the critique. I did have the written report and slide show ready beforehand because I could work on those from home while I was recovering but the photos had to be done on campus. Well, until I set up a darkroom (if I do). I am so glad it's over. It wasn't the joyous experience I have had in the past. It was just another obligation this summer; one I was wishing I hadn't put on myself. But it's done and I got a good grade so it was worth it.

I am meeting with the powers that be about Zach's placement tomorrow. They are looking for a residential treatment program to enroll him in. I don't know when my son will come home. This is causing a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm sad that my baby isn't here with me but I'm relieved that he'll be in a place that can keep him safe from himself. He makes such bad choices and can't see that they are bad even though he's suffering major consequences because of them. Ah, the delusion of being an adolescent. I told him yesterday and could see how sad he was. It was heartbreaking but I keep reminding myself that I didn't do this - he did. If I don't get him the help he needs now, it will be jail, not a treatment program when he's 16. I know this is the right decision for him at this point in time.

He's seeing an endocrinologist before the meeting. She's Niki's doctor. I can't believe my kids both have thyroid disease so young. But I was in my late 20's when mine started. I shouldn't be so surprised. I'm hoping his will be easily managed. Nicole's in remission so maybe his will be the same.

My sister-in-law had a colonoscopy done this week. The doctors removed 15 polyps. She's feeling better physically already but it will be mid-August before she finds out if they are benign or malignant. She needs a break. She's contemplating gastric bypass but won't be able to do so if it's colon cancer. Her diabetes is out of control and after the 2 heart attacks, the weight needs to come down. I am praying. Her life expectancy is not good because of her heart so cancer sure as shit won't help. My brother and nephew will be lost without her. She needs to be okay.

On the homefront, the workmen were here to start the insulation. Even though they are blowing it in from the outside, it's coming through cracks in my very old house. We ended up with a huge pile of it on top of my dryer in the cellar. Nicole freaked when she saw it. There are even bits of it in my grass out by the street. It's everywhere! But I will have a home that is much easier and cheaper to heat and cool. Woo Hoo!! I really am blessed. I seem to be able to manifest everything I need. This program is free of charge to me. They are going to replace a few of my windows and get me storms for my Andersen windows. This is so cool.

I saw the weight doctor on Friday. I've lost 28 pounds! Since I started with them almost a year ago, I've lost 4 inches off my waist. My BMI has gone from 44.4 to 39.3. My risks are dramatically reduced. It was so good to hear that. I know I did the right thing but this really helped cement that in my mind. Life is good.