What If . . .

I was listening to a guided meditation and needless to say, my mind wandered every now and then. It wandered to my biological father as the meditation suggested a letting go. The teacher meant allowing tension to be let go in the body but my mind went to emotional encumbrances that I wanted to let go of. I thought of Bill's abandonment of me and how I wished to heal that pain. Later, my mind went to the "what if's" in my life and I thought of writing on those. There are so many. I've spent so much of my life, living in the past, with the "what if's". I choose now to live in today. The "what if's" are such a trap. They are a bludgeoning tool that I have used against myself again and again.

I mean really, the "What if" I had chosen college A instead of college B, or "What if" I had married Him instead of hiM? Do any of us really think we can alter the past? Do we think we can make anything better by replaying our choices, good or bad, over and over again? I think not. I think we are wise enough to "know" that it's a useless activity. And yet, we continue. I wish I knew why. I hope to explore it more so that I can free myself from this time-consuming and painful pasttime. I didn't marry Him - I married hiM. My kids are who they are because of that choice. Would I change it if I could? Doubtful.

Classes are over

Today was the last day of classes for this semester. I am so relieved although I'd be feeling more relaxed if I hadn't bombed my Computer Programming final. I'll be lucky to get a 60 on it. I drew a complete blank on two of the five programming problems. I wrote what I could but the crucial piece of both eluded me. Thank Goddess I have good grades on the homework and the two previous tests. That'll save my grade for the semester. I need to keep a 3.5 GPA if I want to remain in Phi Kappa Phi and I do. I'd like to graduate with honors.

I was able to sign up for Painting 1 this summer so I can now sign up for Printmaking in the fall. All my classes are on mostly Mondays so if I had Painting and Printmaking, I would have been in classes from 8:15AM to 10:30PM that day. Now I don't have to be on campus until 10:25AM. It will still be a 12 hour day but Wed. & Fri. will only be 2 hours each. Nice! I am going to have Tuesdays and Thursdays off so the semester shouldn't be too bad.

I did find out I got an A in my Women Studies in Religion class and I'm expecting A's in Computer Graphics and Electronic Publication & Design. It was a good semester.

I have been tagged

I've been tagged so here are 7 interesting things about me:

1. I love, love, love potato chips!
2. I love, love, love how brilliant my kids are.
3. I am a school geek - I love being back in college and I think the younger generation hates how enthusiastic I am about my classes.
4. I am (deep shame) hopeless addicted to soap operas.
5. I drive fast (love it!) but safely.
6. I always wanted to be a professional singer.
7. I love to meditate.

I was tagged by Lauri, the Enchantress of the Tulips. Who will I tag???

Here is a little prayer for today

I open the windows wide and take a deep breath, filling myself with the winds of change that are blowing even now across my life. I feel the bracing energy in these changes and welcome them into my life, to energize and charge me, to empower me.

I ask to be filled with complete belief in myself, in who I am and what I can do. I ask to be filled with courage and creativity, to free the flow of my creativity and allow it to ride the currents of the new winds that blow. I ask that I may be filled with love completely, love of myself, love of life, love for the energy that flows around me.

I am a part of what is new. I am a part of the bracing energy that flows and is. I am power and love. I am.

This is from Quado.com. I get a weekly email from her and I loved this prayer.

Jesus Land

My class on Women's Studies in Religion required we read this book. It is a powerful story of how the evangelical can be cruel to their children. The author was sent to a "Christian" reform school with her adopted brother where they were treated like slaves. This school is still open. It's scary that it is allowed to physically and emotionally hurt teenagers without government intervention.

The truly scary part was the similarities I could see to the program my son is in. I'm am so anxious to get him home. He's not being abused but he's not allowed to voice his own opinions or to stand up for himself against false accusations by the staff members. If he opens his mouth, he's immediately put on restriction for a day or two. I've been able to tell them how wrong I feel that is but to no avail. My opinion is not taken into consideration. They have their rules and I am out of the loop so to speak because DSS has custody of him. What I see as the same is the need to strip these adolescents of their individuality.

I feel that our culture, especially the public school system, propagates this. They work to make all the pegs round to fit any hole. My children are very definately square and don't fit those holes. I am so proud of them. They are unique; Nicole more so than Zach. Zach is more social so fitting in is more important to him but he still wants to be his own person. They are going to be amazing adults. I'm so fortunate to be their mother and I'm looking forward to watching them grow and mature. I know each will make their mark on this world.

Saturday morning musings

It's a beautiful sunny spring day after a Nor'easter storm that never materialized. I'm glad. I wasn't in the mood for shoveling. It was an easy winter that way. My global consciousness side was not happy about that but my tired, New England self was glad. It's a dichotomy that I struggle with. Maybe I should move to a warmer climate and then I can bitch about how warm the winters are becoming without guilt. The kids and I have been talking moving to the San Francisco area. Me for the spiritual and artistic community, the kids for the educational opportunities. Do we have the courage to follow through? It's not a question that I have to answer until I graduate so I've some time to contemplate it.

I am now a senior now but I have about 18 classes to take before I graduate. Thankfully most of them are art classes (computer and studio) so they will be fun at least. I'm hoping to take painting and pottery this summer. It'll depend on financial aid. It'll help me finish sooner if I can. I will be trying to take classes during summer and winter sessions. I love college but I am getting ready for it to be done. I've been taking classes since Sept. 2004 and I am not going to graduate until May 2009 so it's a long bachelor's degree. But so worth it. I am enjoying my computer art classes so much so I know I made the right choice of majors. Photoshop is so cool and so is Illustrator. I love playing in them. I just learned how to merge parts of photos together and how to alter the elements of a photograph. I found a website with screen shots from different Myst games so I downloaded a couple and put Nicole in them. It's fun!

In other aspects of my life, I have now lost 82 pounds!! I feel so much better. Only one little problem; sagging skin. I worried about this before the surgery and was hopeful that it would be horrible. Well, it's not horrible but it's not pretty either. My lower abdomen is looking pretty sad. I don't know if my insurance will take care of a tummy tuck. Unless my surgeon can find a medical reason. I see him in June so I'll find out then. I'm not sure I want another surgery but I want to look as good as I feel. Can they do that to my thighs and upper arms?? I'm sure they could but I'm really sure that the insurance won't cover those. I'm healthier - that's all that really matters at this point. It's just my vanity.

I'm off to work at the campus art gallery today. The artist, Ronald Trent Anderson, will be taking down his pieces when we close. I love meeting local artists as well as being in an atmosphere of art culture. It's the best way to earn money. Well, selling my art would be better but I'll take this for now.

The start of spring

It's the beginning of spring. Lisa's birthday is tomorrow and Nicole is at Peace Jam this weekend. Zach and I are just hanging out. I've got a QBasic test on Monday so I should be studying for it. I was sick all week and missed every day except last Monday. I have a lot to catch up on. I want to do really well on the test because I know I've missed more than the alloted amount of classes for that professor and need to keep my grade up. I've got an A average right now and want to keep it there. I was just invited to join Phi Theta Phi, an honor society for 4 year colleges so I really have to keep the GPA steady.

I'm being so lazy today. I should be doing housework and I don't want to. I got up early to take Niki to her school so she could meet the other people going to Peace Jam. So I can pretend I'm tired. I really am but I'm just being lazy. That's what I love about Saturdays.

I bought Wild Divine yesterday and couldn't install it on my Gateway. It doesn't seem to work with Windows Vista. I had Nicole install it on our Compaq and it's working ok. It does lag when you click to move within the "journey" of the program. The graphics are amazing and the tasks seem to really involve breathe work and lowering your heart rate. I'm going to enjoy using it.

Ah . . . life

I have me a new laptop computer, a Gateway. I can be online whenever I want and I can write whenever I want. So am I? Sort of. I haven't been writing. I actually bought it because Zach is home more often now and it's tough sharing one computer with three people. Nicole is going to buy a laptop too. So we'll all have a computer at our disposal. I like the idea of being able to journal on a computer. Paper and pen doesn't seem to work for me. I'd like to start working on more computer art as well. My classes in graphic design software are going really well and I'm really enjoying them. Computer Graphics is starting on Photoshop this week. Finally!

The kids are downstairs, having a great time. I can hear them singing and laughing. What a wonderful sound to have floating upwards. They are getting along so well lately. I feel like we are a healthy, happy family. Life is good.

We joined a gym a week ago. It's been surprisingly fun. I'm really enjoying the feeling I get after working out. I love seeing the definition my muscles are starting to get. The kids love it too. Ah . . . life. It just keeps getting better.

Life

I'm always amazed at how fast life comes at me. You'd think after 46 years, I'd have gotten used to it. Zach is coming home soon and is spending a lot more time here now. I'm having a difficult time readjusting. He's not doing anything wrong, I'm just really missing the quiet calm that Nicole and I had created for ourselves. She doesn't go away for the weekends anymore either so I'm "Mom" every minute of everyday now and I'm tired. If only I had a co-parent I could count on.

I feel guilty for whining because a friend's (Janet) daughter (Aimee - beautiful 22 yr old college student) has been in the hospital since early November with some strange unknown illness that caused her brain to swell. She's recovering and is actually working with physical therapists now to regain her strength and mobility. It's a reminder of how precious our children even as they move toward adulthood. Janet's best friend, Carol, has a 21 yr. old son (Mike) with severe epilepsy. He's been in a Boston hospital for over 2 years now and I don't think he's ever coming home. Both situations help me to remain grateful for my childrens' health. My childrens' disabilities don't seem so overwhelming when I think of what other parents are going through close by and around the world.

So today I'm sending out healing prayers for all the sick children and their scared parents. I hope the world will join me. The power of collective positive thoughts is unstoppable.

Namaste!

Zach update

We had a team meeting Thursday for Zach at the residential program that he's in. We discussed his progress as well as the plans for his future. He's done so well and everyone involved is really pleased, myself included. His grades are straight A's and he's stayed out of trouble in the program and at school since last October. When he's home, he's trying very hard to be cooperative and understanding. And he's succeeding. He and Nicole are getting along so much better. They are sharing the computer fairly well but I still hope to get a new one that is connected to the internet so that it will be easier for all of us when we need to be online. Right now, I'm relegated to early mornings and with my college classes, that is not always enough. They are each taking a block of time and then switching. I think that will ease up when Zach is home for good because he'll have much more freedom so he'll be off with friends. At this time, he's not allowed to leave my presence so friends have to come here.

Anyway, his home date is Memorial Day weekend. In the meantime, he'll stay longer on the weekends, coming home on Fridays and not returning until Monday night. We're planning to have him be here for the entire spring vacation from school in April.

Speaking of spring breaks, mine is only one week away. I am so needing a week off. Classes are going well and I start a work study job on Monday. I'll be organizing and cleaning the printmaking and painting studios on campus. Every once in a while, I'll fill in at the campus art gallery. I'm not sure I want to be cleaning anything (housework is not my forte) but I need the money and the job helps me qualify as a working disabled adult for state help with my medical bills. Medicare only covers so much so I need their help. I'm going to keep a positive attitude about it.