Testing

I survived the first exams in Art History II and Critical Survey of Photography. They were Thursday and Friday of last week. I'm glad they're over and now I know what to expect on the rest of the tests. Whew!

College

The new semester has begun. I have a full course load and I'm worried. I love the challenge college offers but at the same time, it can be so overwhelming. My art history class is going to be tough. I'm just wanting to get through it. I have a photo art history class also. That will really keep my attention. I love photos. I have photojournalism right after it and have Frank Ward for the first time. He's a very engaging teacher. We did a photo shot the other day. He was being paid to shot a new employee on campus so the class was able to go along with him and take our own shots. I took 30 and I hope to get at least one or two that are decent. My tripod broke so I had to hold my camera. I also don't have a professional flash so I had to use the one my camera came with. I took the shots both with and without the flash to increase the chance that I'd get a good one. I'm anxious to develop the film to see how it came out. The last class I have is Basic Design II with Amy's ex-boyfriend. We'll be working with color and paint so it should be good.

In the meantime, I'm looking for a college to transfer to next January when I graduate from HCC. I could transfer now since I just graduated from STCC but I want the AS in Visual Arts. My degree from STCC is in Business Admin and that's not where I want to be. I'm looking at the Univ. of Hartford - Hartford Art School, Smith College, and UMASS. I can't go far since I'm tethered to my children and my house. I could rent out the house but not the kids so driving distance it is.

I'm so amazed at myself. I finished that degree. I started my college education at STCC in January 1979 as a very scared 18 year old girl. I had no idea where I was headed or what I wanted. No, that's not true. I wanted to party and I wanted to be loved. I spent the next 22 years pursuing both. I didn't accomplish the college education and I didn't find my one true love. I did have two fabulous kids (most of the time) and become an alcoholic. A true underachiever. Well, I'm still a mom but now I'm almost 5 years sober. I had stopped 2 courses shy of the degree after starting and stopping so many times. This time I pushed on. I looked at all the ways that I had sabotaged myself, afraid more of the success I could have than the miserable life I was existing in. I faced my demons and decided that when I returned to college in the fall of 2004, I would finish the degree I started even though I didn't want it anymore. It would be a gift to myself. I would finish something that was scary.

I was afraid to move too far ahead of my humble beginnings. My mother, a very bright woman, was married and pregnant when she graduated high school. Higher education was never part of the equation. My older siblings struggled with basic education so college was not part of their future plan. I was the shining hope and a lot sat on my shoulders. I didn't think I was up to the challenge or the honor so I made excuses on why I couldn't complete my education. Well, my mom is gone. The man I thought was my father is dead and he's not my father. My real father isn't a part of my life. My older sisters aren't a part of my life and my younger brother is proud of anything I do as are my kids. So here I am doing this for me. As it should be. I am so proud of having this degree. I got out of my own way and did it. How cool is that? I can't wait to see what I end up doing when I grow up. . .

The latest

Things have been so difficult lately. Zach's behavior has been so extreme. He's telling me over and over again that he needs to go to lock up or foster care. He's lying, stealing, and running away. He's breaking my heart. We're going to court Monday morning and most likely, he won't be coming home with me.

I feel terrible that I really want that break from him. He's overwhelming in his defiance. I hope the experience will be a teaching one for him and that he is open to learning it. So far he's shown me just how stubborn he can be.

What I have been up to lately

School has kept me busy and my design class in particular. Above are pieces I did for that class. I'll upload some of my photography soon. I'm printing on 11" x 14" so I am having a harder time scanning.

Interesting happenings

It's been a while since I posted to my blog. Zach came home 2 weeks ago after spending more than a month in a residential treatment program. It didn't seem like it was going to work at first but I've done my best to let him know I'm not putting up with his crap anymore. He went to school Friday and even took the bus there. I was thrilled. He's been able to go into stores and buy things on his own too. His social anxieties would have prevented that before. He's definitely getting better.

I got my first royalty check for the anthology, "Abandoned". It was extremely small but I was so happy. Someone bought the book. How cool is that??

School is going really well. I'm starting to feel like a real college student even though I'm old enough to be my classmates' mother. They seem to accept me. I just printed pictures that I took with my Holga and they came out so cool. I'm hooked.

Basic Design is great. I'm learning a lot from the instructor. I wish I was learning a lot in Meteorology but as long as I get a decent grade, I'll be happy. It's a required course, not a fun elective, so passing is the goal.

Here's hoping fall is better than the summer was.

Horrible week

The week was horrible. Zach spun out of control and Tuesday night I had to call an ambulance and the police. He was taken to the ER for assessment and was admitted to an acute residential treatment program at a local psychiatric hospital Wednesday afternoon. Somehow I keep surviving the things I think I won't survive. So do my kids.

He was in shock that I called the EMT's to come get him. The police officer that showed up was wonderful with him and was able to calm him down some and get him dressed to go to the hospital. One of the EMT's looked like he was right off Third Watch; tall, buff, and handsome. They were all amazed that Zach is only 11. So am I sometimes. It feels like he should only be 5 or 6, not almost 12. He's my baby and he's in so much pain.

How much more can a mother's heart take? I've been through this with Nicole too. Didn't I do my share already? Didn't I do the share of at least 2 or 3 families already? Sometimes it feels neverending with them. I know they aren't trying to make my life hell but it ends up that way anyhow. Their lives are hellish too. Zach is miserable there but he seems to be getting used to it. He cried in my arms when I went to visit Thursday. He hasn't done that since he was 5 or 6 (he's too cool). I didn't cave though. He's staying as long as is needed.

Nicole went to NH this weekend so I have the house to myself for the first time in about 3 years. It's so quiet and peaceful. I rented DVD's and stayed in my air conditioned room last night. It was the only way to stay comfortable.

I made the mistake of telling David where Zach is. Now he wants to see him. Zach is refusing though and I don't blame him. He doesn't need a father that only shows up when it suits him. David says he doesn't understand why the kids don't want him in their lives but I think he's full of shit. He must get it on a deep level but if he lets it come to the surface, he'll have to face what a scumbag he is. I'm not sure I'm ever going to forgive myself for having allowed him to father my children.

Joys and heartbreaks

I am sitting here at work with nothing to do but think so I thought it best if I put my thoughts down where I can read them and make more sense of them. I am joyous because I love studying photography. I've been out taking shots recently and I can't wait to see the finished product. Some of the film is medium format so I have to decide whether to have it developed at a lab or wait until the semester starts. I'm not sure I can wait a month.

But it's been so good to really enjoy this. Joy was not part of my upbringing. We were allowed two emotions; pleased and remorseful. Anger was not allowed by children. Really, who did we think we were to question or disagree with desicions made that affected our lives? I have given my children that voice. They are allowed to question, renegotiate, and have strong opinions. But has this been too much?

My son is spinning out of control. I am afraid I can no longer handle him. His propensity for violence and destruction when he's angered is beyond the norm. At 11, he's taller and stronger than me and he knows it. He's never had a man in his life to help him understand that you don't use force to get what you want. His father runs away if things don't go his way. My fathers ran away. I feel like running away. I won't.

I can't let him go on the way he is. He's going to end up hurting me or his sister or completely destroy my house. I won't allow either. I know he'd been devastated if he really lost control and hurt us. He's less caring about physical property. That's a big part of it. He just doesn't care. He has a sense of entitlement that is not deserving.

My heart breaks at the thought of having to admit him for more psychiatric testing or put him in a residential program but if I let this go on, he'll be heading to prison at 18. I will not let that happen. I pray it doesn't come to this but I am afraid it already is.

The Climb

I’ve risen up from the depths of despair. It has been an arduous climb. The face of that mountain is steep and the surface uneven. The pits are many and the spikes painful. But climb I have. I’m not at the summit and may never be but with every foot I ascend, the view improves. Life improves.

So often I want to throw down a rope and help you climb up. It’s then that I remember I have been doing that for years. Sometimes you don’t even bother attempting to catch it and other times you do but you refuse to hang on. You’ve even held it long enough to rise up a few feet. You don’t really want the view from up here. If you did, you’d work for it. I need to accept that and let it be. I need to let that be your truth without it affecting mine.

It’s with the new view I have that I realize it’s not my rope. It belongs to everyone and it’s been there for an eternity and will remain just as long. Anyone can grab on and go for the ride of their life or they can stay where it’s familiar but limited. Their choice; your choice. For me, I’m headed to the mountaintop. I’ll wave when I get there.

So much going on

There's been so much going on. Zach is still unable to leave the house. I can't even get him in the car for a ride. He keeps telling me he'll go but then he refuses at the last minute. I had asked his father to take him for a few days, thinking that it was a place Zach's familiar with and would be safe at. He's in crisis and I need David's help. Silly me, I forgot I'm their only parent. David was just a sperm donor. Once again, he will not help his children. I'm at a point where I'm so utterly disgusted by him that I am beating myself up mentally for ever having had a relationship with this pig of a man. How did I not see him for what he is? I vacillate between the ideas of being able to love him to emotional health and not really loving him - just wanting the marriage and babies thing. I was so dysfunctional at that time that it's probably both. See the saying "If it has tires..."? That's my tribute to my relationships with men. Why can't there be a third gender??

On a good note, I just started working part time at the college's art gallery. We are having an opening tomorrow night for a group of local artists whose works we are displaying. The director hung the show yesterday. The work is good but not really my taste. But then again, I'm a photographer, not a painter. Well, not yet anyway. I haven't really ever tried it.

I finally got my copy of the magazine that published one of my poems; Consciousness Magazine. I haven't read the whole thing yet but I found me. My poem is on a page with a few others. It doesn't stand out like I had hoped but I'm published. I'm doing the happy dance.

I've been working in the darkroom

I've been working in the darkroom, getting ready for the critique at the end of my independent study. I'm going with an urban decay theme. Here's a photo I'll be using. I call it "In the Toilet". I was at a industrial complex and in the back are abandoned warehouses and factories. This was lying next to one of those buildings. I found it intriguing that someone felt compelled to bring an old toilet here so they could smash it. It epitomized the "urban decay" I was looking for.