It snowed in the Berkshires!

I had to get Nicole on Tuesday for appts. here so I drove to North Adams to get her and then came back here for the two visits she had. We hit the mall before we headed back to MCLA. On the Mohawk Trail, somewhere around the Charlemont/Savoy town lines, the rain that had been pelting us all day turned into snow - on October 29th! I couldn't believe it. By the time I turned back toward home, there was about an inch accumulated up in the mountains. I was so surprised and have now decided I will not be moving to the Berkshires. I'm not going anywhere that has snow before Halloween. I think Nicole is beginning to rethink her college choice too. 

Musings

Writing gives me such pleasure but one that I don’t indulge in often enough. My soul aches for the words it does not share, the stories it does not tell. How might I bring these to life when my daily activities don’t give me the time to think, breathe, and write? I want my summer by the sea where I can get lost in the words while I take in the beauty, sounds, and smells of the ocean. How can I wax philosophical when all I have time for is laundry? And I whine whilst I waste precious moments sitting in front of the boob tube. Is it that I don’t have the time or the true passion? It’s probably a little of both.

I also think it’s a fear of failure. I worry that what I write will not be well-received or understood. I doubt my own talent at times. I know that I ache for it so maybe it’s time to write with only me as the audience. I don’t have to share and if I do, it can be with a trusted group of friends that will act as sounding boards, not harsh critics.

It's today

She's leaving today. In about 2/3 hours I will pull out of my driveway with my daughter. She'll be starting a whole new chapter of her life. I'm excited, worried, happy, scared, etc. 

I'm really glad she's taking this opportunity and running with it and I know she's going to be amazingly successful. But will Mom be able to let her baby go?? Stay tuned. . .

One week left

I have one week left with my beautiful daughter. She's off to college and is anxious to go. I'm happy for her and I know it's time for us to separate.

This past week has been good as well as difficult. I bought a new car on Monday: 2008 Nissan Altima. I am so happy with it. It's an awesome car. But on Wednesday, my washer died mid-load. Now I have to buy a new washer. I went looking today and found a few options ranging from $350 to $600 roughly. I'm thinking I will go for the higher end because those are the front loading washer and they save so much on water, electricity, and the cost of drying the clothes. It'll save me more in the long run than the lower priced machines.

Meanwhile, my son is becoming highly obnoxious again. I am so ready for him to move out but he's only 14. Mothering shouldn't have to be so hard. I'm just so tired of all his crap. I'll leave it at that.

College is coming

Nicole is leaving two weeks from today for college. I'm both excited and apprehensive. She's my first baby. How can she possibly be old enough to leave home? Ah, but she is. I think I'm ready. I know she is. So is Zach.

My classes start just after Labor Day. I will officially be a grad student, working toward a MFA in Graphic design. Again, I'm both excited and apprehensive. What if I suck?? I'm breathing through the panic.

The good news/bad news for the past week or two is that I had an accident that I was at fault in. It was just a fender bender for the guy I hit. My car on the other hand got crunched. I don't have collision coverage on my insurance because the car is 11 years old. So. . . I'm getting a new car. I am going to lease a 2008 Nissan Altima. Still excited and apprehensive. I haven't had a car payment in 5 years. It's going to be an adjustment but well worth it. It's time I had a reliable car again. Prizmata has seen her better days leave and now she needs a rest. I should be picking it up tomorrow afternoon. Only one problem - I can't find the title to my car and I'm using it as a trade on the Altima. Hopefully they'll wait for the replacement.

Vacation

I forgot to post about our vacation to Noank, CT. It was amazing. The best part was the day trip we took to Newport, RI. I have a new favorite place in the world. Here's a pic or two.

She's home

Nicole is back from Ohio. The train was late so I ended up waiting for about 1.5 hours last night picking her up. She had a good time but started right up with the bitching about her brother. I really do think it's time for her to go to college. She has a chance to spend 4 or 5 days up at MCLA in a Leadership Academy. It's worth it to me to pay the $150 to give her some more time away from Zach. Seems like a good move.

While she was gone, I was able to do some cleaning downstairs in the rec room where she had been living for a few years. My daughter is not the cleanest person on this planet. It was overwhelming but I'm glad I was able to get rid of what I was able to accomplish. I had old furniture taken away along with an old water heater. It felt so good to have these large pieces removed from our space. I want to continue with the purging. It's a weight lifted off me as the unneeded items leave.

Nicole's in Ohio

My beautiful daughter left for her very first solo trip last Friday. She took Amtrak to Cleveland to visit a friend before school starts. It was hard to let her go but with her being 19, I didn't really have a choice. But it was hard. I was scared for her. At the same time, I went to Florida by myself when I was 17 so I knew I had to trust that she was wise enough to be able to protect herself from the predators of the world and she is. I know this. I'm still looking forward to seeing her safely step off the train back here at home. Protective mom much??

She did it!!

Nicole graduated Friday morning on the beautiful campus of Smith College in Northampton, MA. It rained but that didn't dampen the spirits of the graduates. It was a fantastic day. She earned another scholarship and was the top of her class. How cool is that??

Yesterday I found out I was awarded two scholarships for graduate school totaling $1500 and have been offered an interest free loan of $3000. That covers my first semester. If I keep this up, maybe I can finish my MFA without a shit load of debt. Now that would be amazing.

Grad School

I have been accepted into the MFA program for Graphic Design at the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, CA. The program is offered completely online so I don't even have to leave home to take classes. Although . . . I am thinking I'd love to go out there for a semester or two. I'm so tired of Western Massachusetts. I believe it is time for a change in my life - a big one. Zach is what keeps me from really being able to make this decision. I have so many support and medical services in place for him and I worry about disrupting that.

He's all for the idea of packing up and moving across country but I know he's not thinking of his therapy, medications, and educational needs so I have to. It sucks to be the responsible one all the time - well, sometimes. I love being their mother and I really enjoy helping them grow to adulthood. I just wish someone else would take on some of the decision making responsibilities once in a while. But that is not going to happen so I have to pony-up and keeping doing what I'm doing.

Nicole is at school picking up her stuff. Last Friday was her last day of school. She is so excited and I am so happy for her. She has overcome so many challenges that would have defeated a lesser person. She's kicked her mental health disorders in the butt and succeeded in spite of them. I am so proud of her. She graduates on June 6th and I will be clapping the loudest that day. She refuses to allow her father to come because she feels he will embarass her. She may be right. I'm staying out of it. She's 19 and can make that choice without my input. He wants to have a party for her and she is not inclined to accept. To her, he's just DNA in her veins. He has no one to blame but himself. He even blew Zach off this weekend and he hasn't hung out with him since Easter. The man is going to alienate both his children if he doesn't grow up soon. I don't expect that happen however. Zach will become as disgusted with him as his sister as David's behavior remains the same. It's hard to forgive myself for the mistake of marrying and having children with that man. I apologize to my children all the time but it hasn't really lessened the guilt and regret. I'm working on it with my therapist though.

So in the meantime, I'm going to focus on the good things happening our lives; my continued education and Nicole's successes. Zach's a work in progress right now. He's 14 so life is sticky. He's so talented though. I hope he can get past this adolescent crap without too much trouble and become the amazing man I know he's capable of.