Joys and heartbreaks

I am sitting here at work with nothing to do but think so I thought it best if I put my thoughts down where I can read them and make more sense of them. I am joyous because I love studying photography. I've been out taking shots recently and I can't wait to see the finished product. Some of the film is medium format so I have to decide whether to have it developed at a lab or wait until the semester starts. I'm not sure I can wait a month.

But it's been so good to really enjoy this. Joy was not part of my upbringing. We were allowed two emotions; pleased and remorseful. Anger was not allowed by children. Really, who did we think we were to question or disagree with desicions made that affected our lives? I have given my children that voice. They are allowed to question, renegotiate, and have strong opinions. But has this been too much?

My son is spinning out of control. I am afraid I can no longer handle him. His propensity for violence and destruction when he's angered is beyond the norm. At 11, he's taller and stronger than me and he knows it. He's never had a man in his life to help him understand that you don't use force to get what you want. His father runs away if things don't go his way. My fathers ran away. I feel like running away. I won't.

I can't let him go on the way he is. He's going to end up hurting me or his sister or completely destroy my house. I won't allow either. I know he'd been devastated if he really lost control and hurt us. He's less caring about physical property. That's a big part of it. He just doesn't care. He has a sense of entitlement that is not deserving.

My heart breaks at the thought of having to admit him for more psychiatric testing or put him in a residential program but if I let this go on, he'll be heading to prison at 18. I will not let that happen. I pray it doesn't come to this but I am afraid it already is.