Grades

I found out that I got a C- in my Making Ideas Visible class. That means I have to repeat it. I'm a bit more than disappointed but because I want to be a great graphic designer, I'm taking it on the chin. Getting my MFA is really important to me and if I have to repeat the class to do so, I will. I'm not turning tail and running from it.

It's a really uncomfortable place to be though. I have always had really good grades so this hits me deep. I was going through so much on an emotional level this semester so I'm keeping that in mind. I don't want to make this a failure but an opportunity to learn more. Here's hoping.

Imagination

This came to me in an email this morning. It seemed so profound because I feel like my imagination has left me as of late. I want my creativity back. The stress of daily life has eroded it and I need it. So that means finding a way to dispel all the stress I'm feeling. That means going back to daily meditation.

The semester is over!

The semester is over and now I await my final grades. I feel fairly confident that I passed the Type Forms class but I'm cutting it really close with Making Ideas Visible. I worked my ass off this past week or two redoing my virtual catalog for that class and even print, bound, and shipped it twice. I made changes after expressing it out on Monday so I did again on Tuesday. In my haste, I forgot to take pictures of either and of course, we have to post them as one of our last assignments. If I get a C, I'll pass so I'm saying a prayer to the Goddess. I do not want to pay $2400 to take it again.

Grad school is expensive and so much work but I'm so glad I'm doing it. I've already learned more than I could have imagined and it's just going to get better as I get further into the program. In the end, I'll have an MFA and will be so proud of myself. So prayers are welcome for a passing grade!

It snowed in the Berkshires!

I had to get Nicole on Tuesday for appts. here so I drove to North Adams to get her and then came back here for the two visits she had. We hit the mall before we headed back to MCLA. On the Mohawk Trail, somewhere around the Charlemont/Savoy town lines, the rain that had been pelting us all day turned into snow - on October 29th! I couldn't believe it. By the time I turned back toward home, there was about an inch accumulated up in the mountains. I was so surprised and have now decided I will not be moving to the Berkshires. I'm not going anywhere that has snow before Halloween. I think Nicole is beginning to rethink her college choice too. 

Musings

Writing gives me such pleasure but one that I don’t indulge in often enough. My soul aches for the words it does not share, the stories it does not tell. How might I bring these to life when my daily activities don’t give me the time to think, breathe, and write? I want my summer by the sea where I can get lost in the words while I take in the beauty, sounds, and smells of the ocean. How can I wax philosophical when all I have time for is laundry? And I whine whilst I waste precious moments sitting in front of the boob tube. Is it that I don’t have the time or the true passion? It’s probably a little of both.

I also think it’s a fear of failure. I worry that what I write will not be well-received or understood. I doubt my own talent at times. I know that I ache for it so maybe it’s time to write with only me as the audience. I don’t have to share and if I do, it can be with a trusted group of friends that will act as sounding boards, not harsh critics.

It's today

She's leaving today. In about 2/3 hours I will pull out of my driveway with my daughter. She'll be starting a whole new chapter of her life. I'm excited, worried, happy, scared, etc. 

I'm really glad she's taking this opportunity and running with it and I know she's going to be amazingly successful. But will Mom be able to let her baby go?? Stay tuned. . .

One week left

I have one week left with my beautiful daughter. She's off to college and is anxious to go. I'm happy for her and I know it's time for us to separate.

This past week has been good as well as difficult. I bought a new car on Monday: 2008 Nissan Altima. I am so happy with it. It's an awesome car. But on Wednesday, my washer died mid-load. Now I have to buy a new washer. I went looking today and found a few options ranging from $350 to $600 roughly. I'm thinking I will go for the higher end because those are the front loading washer and they save so much on water, electricity, and the cost of drying the clothes. It'll save me more in the long run than the lower priced machines.

Meanwhile, my son is becoming highly obnoxious again. I am so ready for him to move out but he's only 14. Mothering shouldn't have to be so hard. I'm just so tired of all his crap. I'll leave it at that.

College is coming

Nicole is leaving two weeks from today for college. I'm both excited and apprehensive. She's my first baby. How can she possibly be old enough to leave home? Ah, but she is. I think I'm ready. I know she is. So is Zach.

My classes start just after Labor Day. I will officially be a grad student, working toward a MFA in Graphic design. Again, I'm both excited and apprehensive. What if I suck?? I'm breathing through the panic.

The good news/bad news for the past week or two is that I had an accident that I was at fault in. It was just a fender bender for the guy I hit. My car on the other hand got crunched. I don't have collision coverage on my insurance because the car is 11 years old. So. . . I'm getting a new car. I am going to lease a 2008 Nissan Altima. Still excited and apprehensive. I haven't had a car payment in 5 years. It's going to be an adjustment but well worth it. It's time I had a reliable car again. Prizmata has seen her better days leave and now she needs a rest. I should be picking it up tomorrow afternoon. Only one problem - I can't find the title to my car and I'm using it as a trade on the Altima. Hopefully they'll wait for the replacement.

Vacation

I forgot to post about our vacation to Noank, CT. It was amazing. The best part was the day trip we took to Newport, RI. I have a new favorite place in the world. Here's a pic or two.

She's home

Nicole is back from Ohio. The train was late so I ended up waiting for about 1.5 hours last night picking her up. She had a good time but started right up with the bitching about her brother. I really do think it's time for her to go to college. She has a chance to spend 4 or 5 days up at MCLA in a Leadership Academy. It's worth it to me to pay the $150 to give her some more time away from Zach. Seems like a good move.

While she was gone, I was able to do some cleaning downstairs in the rec room where she had been living for a few years. My daughter is not the cleanest person on this planet. It was overwhelming but I'm glad I was able to get rid of what I was able to accomplish. I had old furniture taken away along with an old water heater. It felt so good to have these large pieces removed from our space. I want to continue with the purging. It's a weight lifted off me as the unneeded items leave.

Nicole's in Ohio

My beautiful daughter left for her very first solo trip last Friday. She took Amtrak to Cleveland to visit a friend before school starts. It was hard to let her go but with her being 19, I didn't really have a choice. But it was hard. I was scared for her. At the same time, I went to Florida by myself when I was 17 so I knew I had to trust that she was wise enough to be able to protect herself from the predators of the world and she is. I know this. I'm still looking forward to seeing her safely step off the train back here at home. Protective mom much??

She did it!!

Nicole graduated Friday morning on the beautiful campus of Smith College in Northampton, MA. It rained but that didn't dampen the spirits of the graduates. It was a fantastic day. She earned another scholarship and was the top of her class. How cool is that??

Yesterday I found out I was awarded two scholarships for graduate school totaling $1500 and have been offered an interest free loan of $3000. That covers my first semester. If I keep this up, maybe I can finish my MFA without a shit load of debt. Now that would be amazing.

Grad School

I have been accepted into the MFA program for Graphic Design at the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, CA. The program is offered completely online so I don't even have to leave home to take classes. Although . . . I am thinking I'd love to go out there for a semester or two. I'm so tired of Western Massachusetts. I believe it is time for a change in my life - a big one. Zach is what keeps me from really being able to make this decision. I have so many support and medical services in place for him and I worry about disrupting that.

He's all for the idea of packing up and moving across country but I know he's not thinking of his therapy, medications, and educational needs so I have to. It sucks to be the responsible one all the time - well, sometimes. I love being their mother and I really enjoy helping them grow to adulthood. I just wish someone else would take on some of the decision making responsibilities once in a while. But that is not going to happen so I have to pony-up and keeping doing what I'm doing.

Nicole is at school picking up her stuff. Last Friday was her last day of school. She is so excited and I am so happy for her. She has overcome so many challenges that would have defeated a lesser person. She's kicked her mental health disorders in the butt and succeeded in spite of them. I am so proud of her. She graduates on June 6th and I will be clapping the loudest that day. She refuses to allow her father to come because she feels he will embarass her. She may be right. I'm staying out of it. She's 19 and can make that choice without my input. He wants to have a party for her and she is not inclined to accept. To her, he's just DNA in her veins. He has no one to blame but himself. He even blew Zach off this weekend and he hasn't hung out with him since Easter. The man is going to alienate both his children if he doesn't grow up soon. I don't expect that happen however. Zach will become as disgusted with him as his sister as David's behavior remains the same. It's hard to forgive myself for the mistake of marrying and having children with that man. I apologize to my children all the time but it hasn't really lessened the guilt and regret. I'm working on it with my therapist though.

So in the meantime, I'm going to focus on the good things happening our lives; my continued education and Nicole's successes. Zach's a work in progress right now. He's 14 so life is sticky. He's so talented though. I hope he can get past this adolescent crap without too much trouble and become the amazing man I know he's capable of.

I did it!!

Here I am at my college graduation on Saturday. It was the culmination of so many years of dreaming and then putting my energy into doing. I went back to school in the fall of 2004 and on 5/17/08, I became the holder of a Bachelor's degree in Art. The dreaming started in June of 1978 and here, some thirty years later, is the final result. As the Universe would have it, I was accepted into a MFA program for Graphic Design and begin in Sept. This is beyond what I had envision for myself on the day of my high school graduation. But it's here and I am going to revel in it.

Education

Nicole got a letter from MCLA this past week with the details of her financial aid for the coming academic year. Between her scholarships and grants, her entire education is going to be paid for. It does include work study but that will be more spending money for her. We are both thrilled and relieved and incredibly excited. She's going to do fabulous things with her life and this is just the beginning.

Meanwhile, I got a letter from WSC advising me that the Art Dept. had nominated me for an academic honor. I'll be receiving it tomorrow at a banquet. Nicole is going to go to campus with me even though I have class first. I told my professor that I need to leave early so I'll take the test, pass in my project, and then go to the banquet. I also bought my cap and gown this past week. It's all coming together. Now I just have to get my application for grad school in. I've decided to try for the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, CA. They offer a M.A. in Graphic Design online. I need to work on my portfolio. That will be important to the application process. It will really help if I can graduate Magna Cum Laude though. I'm on target for it. Goddess willing...

Skinner Mountain

Nicole and I went hiking yesterday. We climbed Skinner Mountain from the base to the summit. I did a lot of whining but I made it to the top. Here's one of the photos I took when I got there. It took us almost an hour to get from up there but it was so worth the hike. Truly, we could have driven but that wouldn't have been any fun, right?? Well, that's what my daughter tells me. I really am glad that I hiked it. It gave me a wonderful sense of accomplishment and the view seemed sweeter because I'd exerted myself to get there to see it.

The mountain sits in Hadley, MA so we were able to UMASS Amherst from the top. We also had a bird's eyeview of the CT River winding its way through the Pioneer Valley. The trees aren't in bloom yet so we were really able to see so much more. What a beautiful view!

The Finale

It's here. I am amazed. I have received notice from the registar's office that I am graduating next month. After graduating high school in 1978, I have wanted a B.A. and on May 17th, I will be receiving one - finally. It has been a long time coming and I have worked so hard. If my grades stay up, I'll be graduating Magna Cum Laude and I am so proud of myself. I'm receiving an academic honor from the Art Dept. next Tuesday at a banquet on campus. So many good things have happened this year and I am just in awe. It is all finally coming together.

I've even found a grad school that offers graphic design classes online. It's incredibly expensive so we'll have to take it one class at a time but I so glad I found it. Now I just have to get accepted. Oh happy day!

Even Nicole has gotten great news - she was accepted into the college she wanted to go to and they've offered her a four year $2k academic scholarship. I didn't even know public school did that. I'm so proud of her and happy for her. Her graduation is two weeks after mine. We are both so psyched for each other.

Remember Native Americans: Your Strength to Remember

 

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Remember Native Americans: Your Strength to Remember

Classes

Classes are going really well but I did drop out of one; Anatomy for Artists.  The amount of drawing required with my other courses was just not doable.  I was behind by the end of the first week.  I am loving my Graphic Design and Typography classes.  We had to do a paper and presentation last week on a designer.  I had chosen David Carson.  I rocked it!  I created a multi-media AVI file with his work and added an audio track.  He's a surfer as well so I used a song by Fallout Boy.  It came out great.  I also had 3 short movie files that I had found on the Internet and I brought one of his books in as well.  Todd, the adjunct who teaches it, was very impressed and I felt so good when it was over.  I knew it had gone well.  David Carson presentation

A new semester

Classes start again on Tuesday. I dropped two of my classes that would have been on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I don't have to go in until 2:15PM. I will be there early because I want to add an online art history class to my schedule. I'll still have 5 classes if I do that. It's going to be a busy semester but I will keep in mind that graduation is getting closer all the time as I go through this. I still need to take a lot of basic art classes like pottery and sculpture. Those will be fun and I'm looking forward to them. I'm actually hoping to take one of them this summer but only if it doesn't conflict with the vacation I have planned for me and the kids. We are spending a week in a beach house on the CT coastline. We rented it four years ago and it was fantastic. I can't wait to go again. It's a combo Christmas gift for both kids and graduation gift for Nicole but one that I get to enjoy as well. It's going to be the carrot dangling out ahead as I get work through this semester.

AHA thoughts

I was reading a quick little inspirational email this morning and from it I realized something; major religions tout that human beings should love our neighbors as ourselves. What if we are? What if the troubles in this world lies in the fact that "we" absolutely hate ourselves? Maybe it's not hate but it sure isn't terribly close to anything like love. More like a resigned acceptance or tolerance.

So then, if we don't value our own lives, our own worth, wouldn't it be easy to drop a bomb on someone else's neighborhood or shot them or steal their food? Doesn't it then feel like it's all about "me"? I have to make sure I have enough and to hell with everyone else.

But when I accept my wonderfulness, I can see it in my neighbor. I can see that person as someone as deserving of good as I am. "They" become "me". Their needs are every bit as important as mine. So I'm thinking we need to begin when children are very young to begin teaching them about their own divinity so they can accept every one's divinity. I'm not sure how we do that. It's a huge task but one that is so important. In this largely patriarchal society, children have the fabulousness driven out of them by their parents, by the educational system, by their faith community. It has to stop. We have to teach them about loving themselves so they can love others and bring that love to all they do.

The other thought I had was about how the human race has abused Mother Earth. It struck me that we are Her cancer, the growth that continues to destroy Her. We are what She needs to heal from. Like a cancer, we started out slow and small but then suddenly, with an amazing speed, we began to spread and destroy everything in our path. We are insidious.

Again, how do we fix this? How do we get this message to the masses so that we can start healing Mother Earth, who gives us everything we need. We are not able to survive without Her so how do we do this? I feel it is imperative that we move on this now. We do need to teach the children but that won't be enough. We have to get the adults in on the act immediately. I'm seeing my path as I write this. It is time for me personally to take action. I hope if you resonant with these ideas that you too will do something about it. I'll post again when I discover how to best carry these messages forward.

Snow Day

Zach has been home sick for a week and now that he's finally healthy, Mother Nature has decided to blanket us with a foot of snow. So both kids are home today and so am I. It's absolutely beautiful out there. I love the way the snow sits on the branches and tops of fences. The world is coated with white and made new. It looks so perfect.

I went to an opening for a documentary on Currier & Ives this weekend at The Academy of Music in Northampton. The producer is the youngest sister of two of my friends from high school. It was wonderful to see them and a couple of others that I rarely see. Lisa found it difficult to sit in the seats even though the show wasn't that long. I feel bad for her with the back issues.

Nicole enjoyed it and I was thrilled at the opening piece by the theater; my friend Amy Johnquest was in it. She had agreed to be the emcee for a variety show last year that was held at the theater and she played Ed Sullivan. It was so cool to see her on film. Her daughter Astrelle is an actress so she must have gotten it from Amy.

It was a great afternoon to be in Northampton. The weather was great; sunny and reasonably warm for January. I love that city and plan to live there if we don't leave the area completely after I graduate. I am feeling anxious about finishing school because I know it's going to be three more semesters. I had hoped to do it in two but I know I can't handle 2 semesters of 5+ studio classes. It's just too much with work and two kids. So I'm doing my best to relax into the concept of graduating in the Spring of 2009. One more semester won't kill me. I am concerned about my house and car and having the ability to earn enough to repair what's going wrong in them. I will figure it out though. I always do.

Stressing

I'm stressing over school. I took a literature class based on US Latina writers. I enjoyed it and did really well on the tests and papers that were required. Now the Registrar has me listed without a grade, assuming that I didn't finish the class. I contacted the professor and she told me that she did submit my grade (an "A") so I've asked her to do it again. This is frustrating. If it's not resolved in the next few weeks, the grade becomes an "F". Not cool. This class was one of the last core requirements I had to fill so I want it corrected right away. I'm sure it will be but I'm having a panic moment.

In the meantime, I am trying hard to convince myself not to take on as many classes as I've signed up for (6). Five of them are studio classes so they require 6 hours a week classtime. The 6th class is a one credit self-study so it's not really a big deal but still I'm responsible for completing it. I'm planning to drop the two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I'll have time for work and studying. But I'm delaying graduation by a semester by doing this. I am getting to the point that I want this to be over. I've been back in school since Sept. 2004. Enough is enough. I need a full time job so I can fix my poor old house. It's falling apart around me and I don't have the funds to do what needs to be done.

Ok - I'm done whining. I think I'll go work out and get rid of this anxious energy.

Happy New Year

I'm sitting in my kitchen in blissful quiet. The kids are asleep, the cats are lounging, and I'm reading email. Outside my kitchen window there is a pair of squirrels. They are forgaging in my trash can. My trash is their heaven. It really brings home the idea of perspective. Each creature has their own perspective on this earth and none are wrong, just different. The stale doughnut that I threw away just became breakfast for two hungry animals. How wonderful!