Changes, changes, changes

Wow - life comes quickly. I finished my independent study last week. He gave me an A. I am so amazed. I didn't start printing photos until about 4 days before the critique. I did have the written report and slide show ready beforehand because I could work on those from home while I was recovering but the photos had to be done on campus. Well, until I set up a darkroom (if I do). I am so glad it's over. It wasn't the joyous experience I have had in the past. It was just another obligation this summer; one I was wishing I hadn't put on myself. But it's done and I got a good grade so it was worth it.

I am meeting with the powers that be about Zach's placement tomorrow. They are looking for a residential treatment program to enroll him in. I don't know when my son will come home. This is causing a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm sad that my baby isn't here with me but I'm relieved that he'll be in a place that can keep him safe from himself. He makes such bad choices and can't see that they are bad even though he's suffering major consequences because of them. Ah, the delusion of being an adolescent. I told him yesterday and could see how sad he was. It was heartbreaking but I keep reminding myself that I didn't do this - he did. If I don't get him the help he needs now, it will be jail, not a treatment program when he's 16. I know this is the right decision for him at this point in time.

He's seeing an endocrinologist before the meeting. She's Niki's doctor. I can't believe my kids both have thyroid disease so young. But I was in my late 20's when mine started. I shouldn't be so surprised. I'm hoping his will be easily managed. Nicole's in remission so maybe his will be the same.

My sister-in-law had a colonoscopy done this week. The doctors removed 15 polyps. She's feeling better physically already but it will be mid-August before she finds out if they are benign or malignant. She needs a break. She's contemplating gastric bypass but won't be able to do so if it's colon cancer. Her diabetes is out of control and after the 2 heart attacks, the weight needs to come down. I am praying. Her life expectancy is not good because of her heart so cancer sure as shit won't help. My brother and nephew will be lost without her. She needs to be okay.

On the homefront, the workmen were here to start the insulation. Even though they are blowing it in from the outside, it's coming through cracks in my very old house. We ended up with a huge pile of it on top of my dryer in the cellar. Nicole freaked when she saw it. There are even bits of it in my grass out by the street. It's everywhere! But I will have a home that is much easier and cheaper to heat and cool. Woo Hoo!! I really am blessed. I seem to be able to manifest everything I need. This program is free of charge to me. They are going to replace a few of my windows and get me storms for my Andersen windows. This is so cool.

I saw the weight doctor on Friday. I've lost 28 pounds! Since I started with them almost a year ago, I've lost 4 inches off my waist. My BMI has gone from 44.4 to 39.3. My risks are dramatically reduced. It was so good to hear that. I know I did the right thing but this really helped cement that in my mind. Life is good.

My progress . . .

I went to the post-op support group on Thursday. It was only my second official weigh in since the surgery. In 24 days, I've lost 25 pounds. I can't believe how wonderful this feels. The weight is just melting away. I am still learning to eat in a new way but it's such a small inconvenience compared to living with an extra 100 pounds or so. I am so looking forward to having my healthy body back. I can't wait to clothes shop again without guilt and fear. I yearn for the choices that will be available to me. I am quickly realizing what I left behind when I chose to hide behind all that weight.

I worked in the darkroom yesterday. I haven't done that in a couple months. I ended up printing eight different shots and thought I was all set for the critique coming on Tuesday but then I took one of the prints out of the wash to dry it and found the paper had a yellow block on it. I was too tired to reprint it then. Now I have to go in today or Monday. But I do have my slide show on Dorothea Lange done. Now I need to write a one page biography on her.

I was reading about her this morning. I think she's my new hero. In an age where women were expected to be nothing more than wives and mothers, she set out to create a photography career. She left a bad marriage in the 1930's with two small children and then became one of the best known photographers of the FSA with the help of her true love, Paul Taylor (he became her 2nd husband). She took THE iconic image of the Great Depression, Migrant Mother. Her career lasted until her death. She always took photos. As I contemplate my future education goals, I will keep her example in mind.

Cuckoo Kitty

The future of my family

I spoke with Zach's social worker this morning. He's not coming home. They've extended his stay at the Bridge home until the end of July and from there he's either going to a group home or specialized foster care. I prefer a group home and I'd really like to see him stay in our town now that we have a good school placement for him.

He's going to be devastated. He was so counting on coming home this weekend. He's going to be blown away. I think I should go out there and tell him in person. At least then I can be there to hug him and wipe away the tears that are bound to come. He thinks he's tough but sometimes he's just my little boy, looking at me with those big blue eyes, wanting me to make everything ok again. Only I can't this time. It's out of my hands.

My heart is breaking for him and I'm relieved at the same time. Being only 2 weeks out from major surgery, I was not looking forward to having to worry about him all the time again. Even when he's here for an afternoon visit, I am so worried when he heads out with friends. I don't trust him to make good choices. This will be a good lesson for him at least.

Yesterday's sunset

Surgical Progress

I went to the program Thursday for a post-op support group. It was my first time near a good scale. The one I have is not exactly accurate. I was astounded. I had lost 14.8 pounds from the morning of the surgery. By my scale this morning, I've lost another 4 or 5 pounds. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since my operation. WOW! I should have close to 50 off before the next semester starts. I am psyched!

I feel good and I'm moving really well. I drove all over creation yesterday with Zach. He was home for a visit. The only complaint I have is the gas I get from eating. I am discovering that I also have to eat slower than I'm used to or I get indigestion. I am quickly figuring out how to live as a gastric bypass person.

Zach had a craving for soft-serve ice cream so we stopped at a place. I wasn't going to order anything (duh!) but the girl behind the counter told me that they had sugar-free soft serve. So I got a small (kiddie size) dish and Zach got a medium cone. I got down about a third of my dish. Zach ate the rest. He was amazed at how little I could eat. I calculated that I had ingested about 12 oz. of solid food yesterday. It took 5 meals to get that much down. No wonder the weight seems to be dripping off me.

It's all becoming very real now. Within a year, I will recognize the person I see in the mirror. I haven't for so long. I had the image of myself as one when I was about 30 and relatively thin. This heavy woman isn't someone I know. I am surprised every time I catch my image in a mirror. I am getting the outside to match the inside. It's been so long . . .

As I recover

Yesterday was one of the toughest days yet. The smells of everyone's grills nauseauted me. Nothing I ate agreed with my new stomach. I spent most of the day in bed afraid that I'd throw up. My abdomen was so extended from gas and it was pushing on my new itty bitty tummy. Not good. But I survived. I feel like I wasn't ready for the pureed foods I was taking in. So today I'm going to stay liquid and maybe add one food. Egg doesn't seem to be a good choice so I'll stick with applesauce.

On a good note - I've lost about 10 pounds so far. I'm pretty excited about that. I just need to make sure I guard my health as the weight peels off. And I'm adjusting to life without coffee. I wasn't sure how I'd do but no withdrawals from it. I had switched to the 50/50 coffee for 2 months prior to the surgery in effort to reduce my caffeine dependency.

Zach's come by with his father for a couple of quick visits. He's more interested in finding his friends. We've got a few more days, 10 actually, before they tell me what's going to happen for him. I've been too sick to check in with the house manager so I don't know how things have been going. On my to do list. . .

Life's little update

Well, it's day 7 out from the surgery. I'm able to walk without any discomfort. Sitting up is still a bit sore but gets easier every day. I can see the progress in my recovery. I haven't seen much in the way of weight loss but it's hard to lose weight when you're sedentary. Oh shit - I think I just learned something. Now I'm going to have to use it. Exercise is important. Gee, why didn't I get that before they hit in me in the stomach with a semi?

Not eating is hard though. My food addiction is kicking my ass. Every food commercial I see makes me want to run to the nearest fast food place and pig out. Reason and the fact that I've just had most of stomach cut away has kept me home. Actually, I'm breathing through it like I use to with cigarettes. I know I'm not hungry. I just see it and want it. So now I change the channel as soon as a food commercial comes on. I'm adapting. Actually, I'm changing to the party plan so to speak. I realized yesterday that I had mistaken "fat free" jello with sugar free. I had been eating it and wondering why my stomach wasn't tolerating all that well. I was mortified to see that it has 19 grams of sugar per serving. I'm allowed 8 grams per 4 oz. Mystery solved. Jello to be fed to my son.

My ex is bringing Zach home from a visit today because I can't drive yet. It'll be good to see him and to have a reason to get dressed. I'm going to make them take me to the grocery store. Oh - an outing. :~)

Life is good.