My progress . . .

I went to the post-op support group on Thursday. It was only my second official weigh in since the surgery. In 24 days, I've lost 25 pounds. I can't believe how wonderful this feels. The weight is just melting away. I am still learning to eat in a new way but it's such a small inconvenience compared to living with an extra 100 pounds or so. I am so looking forward to having my healthy body back. I can't wait to clothes shop again without guilt and fear. I yearn for the choices that will be available to me. I am quickly realizing what I left behind when I chose to hide behind all that weight.

I worked in the darkroom yesterday. I haven't done that in a couple months. I ended up printing eight different shots and thought I was all set for the critique coming on Tuesday but then I took one of the prints out of the wash to dry it and found the paper had a yellow block on it. I was too tired to reprint it then. Now I have to go in today or Monday. But I do have my slide show on Dorothea Lange done. Now I need to write a one page biography on her.

I was reading about her this morning. I think she's my new hero. In an age where women were expected to be nothing more than wives and mothers, she set out to create a photography career. She left a bad marriage in the 1930's with two small children and then became one of the best known photographers of the FSA with the help of her true love, Paul Taylor (he became her 2nd husband). She took THE iconic image of the Great Depression, Migrant Mother. Her career lasted until her death. She always took photos. As I contemplate my future education goals, I will keep her example in mind.

Cuckoo Kitty

The future of my family

I spoke with Zach's social worker this morning. He's not coming home. They've extended his stay at the Bridge home until the end of July and from there he's either going to a group home or specialized foster care. I prefer a group home and I'd really like to see him stay in our town now that we have a good school placement for him.

He's going to be devastated. He was so counting on coming home this weekend. He's going to be blown away. I think I should go out there and tell him in person. At least then I can be there to hug him and wipe away the tears that are bound to come. He thinks he's tough but sometimes he's just my little boy, looking at me with those big blue eyes, wanting me to make everything ok again. Only I can't this time. It's out of my hands.

My heart is breaking for him and I'm relieved at the same time. Being only 2 weeks out from major surgery, I was not looking forward to having to worry about him all the time again. Even when he's here for an afternoon visit, I am so worried when he heads out with friends. I don't trust him to make good choices. This will be a good lesson for him at least.

Yesterday's sunset

Surgical Progress

I went to the program Thursday for a post-op support group. It was my first time near a good scale. The one I have is not exactly accurate. I was astounded. I had lost 14.8 pounds from the morning of the surgery. By my scale this morning, I've lost another 4 or 5 pounds. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since my operation. WOW! I should have close to 50 off before the next semester starts. I am psyched!

I feel good and I'm moving really well. I drove all over creation yesterday with Zach. He was home for a visit. The only complaint I have is the gas I get from eating. I am discovering that I also have to eat slower than I'm used to or I get indigestion. I am quickly figuring out how to live as a gastric bypass person.

Zach had a craving for soft-serve ice cream so we stopped at a place. I wasn't going to order anything (duh!) but the girl behind the counter told me that they had sugar-free soft serve. So I got a small (kiddie size) dish and Zach got a medium cone. I got down about a third of my dish. Zach ate the rest. He was amazed at how little I could eat. I calculated that I had ingested about 12 oz. of solid food yesterday. It took 5 meals to get that much down. No wonder the weight seems to be dripping off me.

It's all becoming very real now. Within a year, I will recognize the person I see in the mirror. I haven't for so long. I had the image of myself as one when I was about 30 and relatively thin. This heavy woman isn't someone I know. I am surprised every time I catch my image in a mirror. I am getting the outside to match the inside. It's been so long . . .

As I recover

Yesterday was one of the toughest days yet. The smells of everyone's grills nauseauted me. Nothing I ate agreed with my new stomach. I spent most of the day in bed afraid that I'd throw up. My abdomen was so extended from gas and it was pushing on my new itty bitty tummy. Not good. But I survived. I feel like I wasn't ready for the pureed foods I was taking in. So today I'm going to stay liquid and maybe add one food. Egg doesn't seem to be a good choice so I'll stick with applesauce.

On a good note - I've lost about 10 pounds so far. I'm pretty excited about that. I just need to make sure I guard my health as the weight peels off. And I'm adjusting to life without coffee. I wasn't sure how I'd do but no withdrawals from it. I had switched to the 50/50 coffee for 2 months prior to the surgery in effort to reduce my caffeine dependency.

Zach's come by with his father for a couple of quick visits. He's more interested in finding his friends. We've got a few more days, 10 actually, before they tell me what's going to happen for him. I've been too sick to check in with the house manager so I don't know how things have been going. On my to do list. . .

Life's little update

Well, it's day 7 out from the surgery. I'm able to walk without any discomfort. Sitting up is still a bit sore but gets easier every day. I can see the progress in my recovery. I haven't seen much in the way of weight loss but it's hard to lose weight when you're sedentary. Oh shit - I think I just learned something. Now I'm going to have to use it. Exercise is important. Gee, why didn't I get that before they hit in me in the stomach with a semi?

Not eating is hard though. My food addiction is kicking my ass. Every food commercial I see makes me want to run to the nearest fast food place and pig out. Reason and the fact that I've just had most of stomach cut away has kept me home. Actually, I'm breathing through it like I use to with cigarettes. I know I'm not hungry. I just see it and want it. So now I change the channel as soon as a food commercial comes on. I'm adapting. Actually, I'm changing to the party plan so to speak. I realized yesterday that I had mistaken "fat free" jello with sugar free. I had been eating it and wondering why my stomach wasn't tolerating all that well. I was mortified to see that it has 19 grams of sugar per serving. I'm allowed 8 grams per 4 oz. Mystery solved. Jello to be fed to my son.

My ex is bringing Zach home from a visit today because I can't drive yet. It'll be good to see him and to have a reason to get dressed. I'm going to make them take me to the grocery store. Oh - an outing. :~)

Life is good.

The surgery was a success

Well, I didn't die anyway. The true test of its success will be how much weight I lose. This was a toughy. I felt like the Pat's field goal kicker had used my stomach as target practice the first day. I'm moving around pretty well today but sleeping is difficult. I'm used to sleeping on my side but I can't right now because the weight of my skin pulls at the incisions. So it's onto my back and that leads to snoring which wakes me up. I'm hoping that I can get on my side soon.

The hospital experience was a good one. The nurses were attentive and I had my own room. My doctor from the weight program came to see me a couple times and of course, the surgeon. The only complication was a slight fever and I think that was from my nasal congestion due to my allergies. My BP was through the roof but I know that it will get better as the weight comes off. I have to see my primary about it.

One of my nurses had the surgery 10 years ago and looks fabulous. I do hope I can use this tool appropriately and not push the limits. I have wanted to eat but more out of habit, not hunger. It was hard with the hospital serving everyone but me. I got ice chips the first day, water the second, and moved up to Diet Snapple on the third. It'll be a few more days before I can start having pureed foods. Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to it. I can have sugar-free Jello right now so I'm making some for later. It will feel good to have something I almost have to chew. The protein drink I bought is pretty good so I am at least having something tasty.

So, all in all, it's been a fairly good experience to date. I do think I may drop my independent study so I can just concentrate on my recovery but I'm going to wait until next week to make that decision. Thankfully Amy isn't expecting me back at the gallery for a couple weeks.

Storms followed my emotions

Storms mimicked my emotions over the past few days. They were fierce but in the end, the results were spectacular.

Tumultous emotions

I'm a jumble of emotions. The manager of the home where Zach's is living right now told me that he's not doing very well. In fact, he's showing them all the same behavior that I was seeing. I thought it was just at home but I was wrong.

The hard part is dealing with the idea that he may not be coming home and the mixed emotions I have around that. I hadn't talked to him for a few days because of the conference I was working and participating in over the weekend so when we connected Sunday, I was overwhelmed. I didn't realize how much I missed him. When we hung up, I burst into tears.

I'm really having to grasp that my son may not live with me for a long time. I thought that it was what I wanted when he was here, with behavior I couldn't handle. Now that it's a real possibility, I'm blown away by the idea of it. I want what's best for him, though. If that means that he has to live in a group home with 24/7 supervision and male counselors, then that's what I will advocate for. My needs are secondary in this.