The latest

Things have been so difficult lately. Zach's behavior has been so extreme. He's telling me over and over again that he needs to go to lock up or foster care. He's lying, stealing, and running away. He's breaking my heart. We're going to court Monday morning and most likely, he won't be coming home with me.

I feel terrible that I really want that break from him. He's overwhelming in his defiance. I hope the experience will be a teaching one for him and that he is open to learning it. So far he's shown me just how stubborn he can be.

What I have been up to lately

School has kept me busy and my design class in particular. Above are pieces I did for that class. I'll upload some of my photography soon. I'm printing on 11" x 14" so I am having a harder time scanning.

Interesting happenings

It's been a while since I posted to my blog. Zach came home 2 weeks ago after spending more than a month in a residential treatment program. It didn't seem like it was going to work at first but I've done my best to let him know I'm not putting up with his crap anymore. He went to school Friday and even took the bus there. I was thrilled. He's been able to go into stores and buy things on his own too. His social anxieties would have prevented that before. He's definitely getting better.

I got my first royalty check for the anthology, "Abandoned". It was extremely small but I was so happy. Someone bought the book. How cool is that??

School is going really well. I'm starting to feel like a real college student even though I'm old enough to be my classmates' mother. They seem to accept me. I just printed pictures that I took with my Holga and they came out so cool. I'm hooked.

Basic Design is great. I'm learning a lot from the instructor. I wish I was learning a lot in Meteorology but as long as I get a decent grade, I'll be happy. It's a required course, not a fun elective, so passing is the goal.

Here's hoping fall is better than the summer was.

Horrible week

The week was horrible. Zach spun out of control and Tuesday night I had to call an ambulance and the police. He was taken to the ER for assessment and was admitted to an acute residential treatment program at a local psychiatric hospital Wednesday afternoon. Somehow I keep surviving the things I think I won't survive. So do my kids.

He was in shock that I called the EMT's to come get him. The police officer that showed up was wonderful with him and was able to calm him down some and get him dressed to go to the hospital. One of the EMT's looked like he was right off Third Watch; tall, buff, and handsome. They were all amazed that Zach is only 11. So am I sometimes. It feels like he should only be 5 or 6, not almost 12. He's my baby and he's in so much pain.

How much more can a mother's heart take? I've been through this with Nicole too. Didn't I do my share already? Didn't I do the share of at least 2 or 3 families already? Sometimes it feels neverending with them. I know they aren't trying to make my life hell but it ends up that way anyhow. Their lives are hellish too. Zach is miserable there but he seems to be getting used to it. He cried in my arms when I went to visit Thursday. He hasn't done that since he was 5 or 6 (he's too cool). I didn't cave though. He's staying as long as is needed.

Nicole went to NH this weekend so I have the house to myself for the first time in about 3 years. It's so quiet and peaceful. I rented DVD's and stayed in my air conditioned room last night. It was the only way to stay comfortable.

I made the mistake of telling David where Zach is. Now he wants to see him. Zach is refusing though and I don't blame him. He doesn't need a father that only shows up when it suits him. David says he doesn't understand why the kids don't want him in their lives but I think he's full of shit. He must get it on a deep level but if he lets it come to the surface, he'll have to face what a scumbag he is. I'm not sure I'm ever going to forgive myself for having allowed him to father my children.

Joys and heartbreaks

I am sitting here at work with nothing to do but think so I thought it best if I put my thoughts down where I can read them and make more sense of them. I am joyous because I love studying photography. I've been out taking shots recently and I can't wait to see the finished product. Some of the film is medium format so I have to decide whether to have it developed at a lab or wait until the semester starts. I'm not sure I can wait a month.

But it's been so good to really enjoy this. Joy was not part of my upbringing. We were allowed two emotions; pleased and remorseful. Anger was not allowed by children. Really, who did we think we were to question or disagree with desicions made that affected our lives? I have given my children that voice. They are allowed to question, renegotiate, and have strong opinions. But has this been too much?

My son is spinning out of control. I am afraid I can no longer handle him. His propensity for violence and destruction when he's angered is beyond the norm. At 11, he's taller and stronger than me and he knows it. He's never had a man in his life to help him understand that you don't use force to get what you want. His father runs away if things don't go his way. My fathers ran away. I feel like running away. I won't.

I can't let him go on the way he is. He's going to end up hurting me or his sister or completely destroy my house. I won't allow either. I know he'd been devastated if he really lost control and hurt us. He's less caring about physical property. That's a big part of it. He just doesn't care. He has a sense of entitlement that is not deserving.

My heart breaks at the thought of having to admit him for more psychiatric testing or put him in a residential program but if I let this go on, he'll be heading to prison at 18. I will not let that happen. I pray it doesn't come to this but I am afraid it already is.

The Climb

I’ve risen up from the depths of despair. It has been an arduous climb. The face of that mountain is steep and the surface uneven. The pits are many and the spikes painful. But climb I have. I’m not at the summit and may never be but with every foot I ascend, the view improves. Life improves.

So often I want to throw down a rope and help you climb up. It’s then that I remember I have been doing that for years. Sometimes you don’t even bother attempting to catch it and other times you do but you refuse to hang on. You’ve even held it long enough to rise up a few feet. You don’t really want the view from up here. If you did, you’d work for it. I need to accept that and let it be. I need to let that be your truth without it affecting mine.

It’s with the new view I have that I realize it’s not my rope. It belongs to everyone and it’s been there for an eternity and will remain just as long. Anyone can grab on and go for the ride of their life or they can stay where it’s familiar but limited. Their choice; your choice. For me, I’m headed to the mountaintop. I’ll wave when I get there.

So much going on

There's been so much going on. Zach is still unable to leave the house. I can't even get him in the car for a ride. He keeps telling me he'll go but then he refuses at the last minute. I had asked his father to take him for a few days, thinking that it was a place Zach's familiar with and would be safe at. He's in crisis and I need David's help. Silly me, I forgot I'm their only parent. David was just a sperm donor. Once again, he will not help his children. I'm at a point where I'm so utterly disgusted by him that I am beating myself up mentally for ever having had a relationship with this pig of a man. How did I not see him for what he is? I vacillate between the ideas of being able to love him to emotional health and not really loving him - just wanting the marriage and babies thing. I was so dysfunctional at that time that it's probably both. See the saying "If it has tires..."? That's my tribute to my relationships with men. Why can't there be a third gender??

On a good note, I just started working part time at the college's art gallery. We are having an opening tomorrow night for a group of local artists whose works we are displaying. The director hung the show yesterday. The work is good but not really my taste. But then again, I'm a photographer, not a painter. Well, not yet anyway. I haven't really ever tried it.

I finally got my copy of the magazine that published one of my poems; Consciousness Magazine. I haven't read the whole thing yet but I found me. My poem is on a page with a few others. It doesn't stand out like I had hoped but I'm published. I'm doing the happy dance.

I've been working in the darkroom

I've been working in the darkroom, getting ready for the critique at the end of my independent study. I'm going with an urban decay theme. Here's a photo I'll be using. I call it "In the Toilet". I was at a industrial complex and in the back are abandoned warehouses and factories. This was lying next to one of those buildings. I found it intriguing that someone felt compelled to bring an old toilet here so they could smash it. It epitomized the "urban decay" I was looking for.

Abandoned

It has been released; my book. Well, it's an anthology but I'm in it. We are going digital to start and hope to find a publisher for the print version. I hope it gets noticed somewhere along the line. It's a powerful message. There are three stories of people abandoned by their fathers as children. My story and Barbara Hidalgo's are also the warning for others. We married men who then abandoned our children. Let's pray this hideous trend ends. Children are so damaged by a parent's abandonment.

To preview the book: http://www.soulful-writer.com/abandoned
To purchase the book: http://store.eSellerate.net/swdp/abandoned

Exhausting & Exhilirating week

This was a wonderful week. My photography class went to a reservoir near the college Wednesday morning. We walked about for an hour and a half. I was tired and so excited all at the same time (see previous post about not being a nature girl). I really had a great time. We all took tons of pictures. I had to borrow a role of film from Josh, one of my classmates. It was Kodak TMax 400 Black & White (we use B&W exclusively). I developed that roll first. I have found my favorite film. The images were so clear and the details so defined. I was astounded by the clarity. I've printed two so far and I'm heading back into the lab tomorrow to make more prints. We're having at least three critiques in the next 4/5 weeks so I have to get busy. Here's a link to my photos online including the ones from today. They're the first two in the Black & White folder. http://community.webshots.com/user/kimmer60

Kim's excellent adventure

I went out shooting pictures yesterday afternoon with my ex-husband of all people (sorry David). He took me to Quabbin Reservoir which is one of his favorite places on earth. It was quite an adventure. He was attempting to get me to a small lake he found a few weeks earlier and because I have little to no experience hiking, he went the "easy" way. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was trying to kill me. :)

The whole place was muddy from 4" inches of rain topped off with all the melted snow. It was like walking in a mine field. And don't get me started on the thorns. I swear there was bush that was determined to keep me and make me its pet.

By the time we got to the lake, I was sweating and rather tired. But there it was. A rather large mud puddle. What had been a "beautiful lake" weeks earlier in the snow was now a dirty pond. We decided to walk around it and go back down the other "easy" way. HA! Remember the mud mine field I spoke? Well I stepped right in one. I went in almost to my knee. As I tried to hop up and out, my other foot landed in the stream I was trying to "hop" over. Now both feet were soaked and I had mud to my knees. Ok, I was prepared for a few missteps. Just not thoroughly wet feet. But then, maybe I shouldn't have worn my Rykas. He kept telling me to find boots.

It turned out that we needed to climb up the mountain a bit higher to find the path back down. As we were walking, we heard a mating call that was so close. We looked for wild turkeys, ducks, or geese but could see none. We did see a small body of water up ahead of us so we walked as quietly as possible to find the noise maker. It was a frog! A very small frog. I was so surprised.

It seemed like a great place to take a picture across the surface of the water so when I saw a felled birch, I decided to take a seat. Suddenly as my backside was nearing the tree, I felt compelled to say "Please don't break, please don't break, please don't break." I should have kept my mouth shut. It broke and I ended up on my back with my legs in the air.

Now keep in mind who I'm with - my ex-husband. I'm surprised he didn't take a picture of that pose (I guess I should develop that roll before I make THAT statement). I'm also surprised he didn't pee his pants with all that laughing. But then again, most of the laughing came from me. I am so not a woodsy girl.

So when all was said and done, we took 72 shots of the most beautiful woods, birds, and water. He took me to the summit and I got numerous shots of the mountain ranges in the distance. It was magnificent. I am so glad, mud and all, that I spent the afternoon there taking pictures. I'm sure I have a lot to choose from for my next critique.

Yesterday

Yesterday was an amazing day. It rained like we'd need an ark. It was torrential. But there was something about it that was really cool. I was worried at first because it was the day we were to learn how to mat our photographs. I got my matboard in my car without it getting dirty or wet somehow but the walk from campus parking is far too long so I asked one of the parking guards to let me get close to drop it off. He agreed and my matboard arrived safely. I actually matted four prints. The teacher did the first one to show me how and I did the next three. I'm ready for the critique tomorrow but I know I'm the only one who will be. My classmates are not as committed to this class as I am. Only two of us showed and only I had the right stuff with me. It's disheartening on the teacher. But... I got his full attention and didn't have to share the equipment so I'm all set.

My new scanner is suppose to be here tomorrow. I can't wait to set it up and scan some of my negatives. I do hope it has good resolution. I'll post one if it does.

Ritual tonight

The women's group is having their Vernal Equinox ritual tonight. I'm usually so excited to go but I've been so busy lately. I'm tired and I just want to stay home. But I won't. I'll go and when I leave, I'll breathe a sigh of relief that I gave the night as a gift to myself. I always leave more refreshed than when I came in.

Maybe it's because I just had to travel 20 miles north of home to buy photo paper so I can make prints tomorrow in the darkroom for the critique next Wednesday. The traffic was insane. I don't know if it's because it's Friday or because it's the Friday before Easter. I don't care. I hate it and I drove home many, many miles out of my way to avoid sitting in it. Even here, closer to home, it was stop and go. I want to hibernate for a while.

I ordered a new scanner today. I'm excited for it to get here. It has transparency capabilities. I'll be able to scan all my negatives so I can see the pictures that I haven't printed yet. Although, I bought 5" x 7" paper today for my own prints. It's the lower grade and smaller so it's not as expensive. I shot pictures of the church last weekend and got one of a chipmunk which I hope comes out clearly. I'll post some after the weekend, when the scanner arrives.

Until then, Happy Easter to the Christians and Happy Ostara to the NeoPagans.

Inner journey musings

I've suddenly realized this morning that up till recently I'd been living as though I was in a glass container that had a lid on so tight, nothing could get out. But something happened. It loosened. And it continued to get looser every time I was courageous enough to face a demon head on. That lid was my limitations; my "don't get too big for your britches", my "Who do you think you are?", my "Get your head out of the clouds".

One day, one ordinary day, I popped it off completely. That lid went flying and so did I. It was an awakening of monumental proportions. I was able to understand for the first time in my life that I had allowed others' fears and expectations to keep me small. I can be successful and humble too but that's not how I was raised. Successful people sell their souls for their success. I see now that it was jealousy and fear that perpetrated that lie on my family. We wanted what they had but we could feel smug and superior because WE worked hard for what we had. I see now, everyone does. Well mostly.

OK. The lid is gone. So now what do I do? Anything I want. I'm writing, I'm creating mixed-media art, and I'm taking photographs. I've gone from the numbers person to the artist. I like it so much better. I mean, it is really fun. I'm sharing my viewpoint of the world with anyone who will look or listen and I'm getting positive feedback. It amazes me. It angers me a little too. I wasted so many years pretending to be less than what I was so as to not upset the apple cart. I did not benefit from that at all. Wait a minute. That's not true. I kept the people in my life feeling safe and secure because I didn't soar too high above them and that kept them in my life, making me feel safe and secure which means I did benefit in some ways. So really my wish is that I could have had the self-confidence to know that they would have loved me anyway and my brave attempt at true success may have inspired them to do the same.

Marianne Williamson had it right; who are we to play small? It truly hurts us all. I won't again. I'm allowing myself the freedom and privilege to find my passions and explore them fully. I will allow them to take me to new heights and parachute be damned. I promise to wave as I soar on by.

Spring!

Well, this is the first day of Spring; the Vernal Equinox. I look out and see snow in my backyard. Something amiss here. The weather prediction for today is more snow. Ah, the joys of living in New England. I like snow photographs so I'm ok with it. My photography class is suppose to be taking a local field trip tomorrow morning to a resevoir. It will be that much more beautiful if a soft snow has blanketed the area. I love the look of tree branches lightly covered with the white stuff. Even prettier is ice. We haven't had a good ice storm this year. Sure, I have a good camera now and no ice. That's not fair. :)

I have my second winter cold too. Those I can do without. I woke up at 4:30AM because I couldn't breathe properly and my throat was sore. I stayed in bed for 45 minutes hoping and praying I'd fall back to sleep. Of course not. I feel like I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, months maybe.

Meanwhile, my son stayed up all night. He thinks it's great fun to be awake while the rest of the world sleeps. I think I did at 11 too. He's just going to be off for school tomorrow. I'm praying he takes a nap soon.

So in the interim, I watch the sun peek up over my neighbor's houses, ready to start its day over my little plot of earth. Life is good.

Snowy Saturday

It's such a pretty snowy day. It was a light snow that just coated the branches, leaving a beautiful view. I had planned on taking pictures for my photography class. My stockade fence has the remnants of a vine still intwined in it and the vines were topped with a little bit of snow, creating gorgeous lines against the fence. I waited because it was still snowing but it fell off before I got out there so I missed the shot. I have learned not to wait. Take the picture immediately or possibly lose out. Ah well. I have the week off to go out shooting.