Spirits in Motion

I spent the better part of the last two days at a conference held at my church called Spirits in Motion. It was put together by the Women's Spirituality group that I belong to that's affiliated with the church. We had two women come in to lead both rituals and intensives. I spent today with ALisa Starkweather. The morning intensive was about transformation using breathwork. She took us through an exercise where we worked with the wall we all butt up against; that blocks us from reaching the other side; the brass ring so to speak. In the afternoon session, we worked on how to bring our visions to form. I came away from both with a great deal of inspiration and a deep sense of connection with all the women in the group. It was an incredible experience; especially the Transformational Breathwork™. If you've never done it, I highly recommend you find a facilitator. It was profound. And if you ever get a chance to go to one of ALisa's workshops or conferences, GO! She's amazing with an energy that is powerful and loving and supportive. I am so glad I was there this weekend.

The start of a new life

I saw my surgeon yesterday. It's real now. On June 26th I'm having gastric bypass surgery. I will be on my way to health and fitness again. I am so excited and nervous too. I'm thinking of using this experience as a photo essay opportunity. While I hate the idea of taking my own photo, especially right now, I do think documenting the changes could be really beneficial for all those who are contemplating this life altering surgery. I never thought I'd be one but here I am.

I'm glad I had to go through the classes and attend the support group meetings. It helped me become truly educated about what the surgery entails and what I can expect afterward. It will be a dramatic change but I'm ready for it. I need a major shake-up to end my food addiction. The surgery inhibits the appetite hormones for about 2 years so I will have that time to really learn new ways of coping with my stress. I think writing is the first way to do that.

I'll keep writing about it...

TGIF

I'm glad the weekend is almost here. I've been spackling the gallery this week. We had so many holes in the walls from the last show, the student art exhibit. I'm going in to sand and paint today. I hope we get it done quickly.

Zach's really settling in to the program. He ran home from school on Monday but after hearing about all the horrible things (like lock-up) that await him if he keeps this crap up, he seems to have decided to behave for a while. I hope he keeps it up but if not, I'm ready to let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions. It's taken me a long time to get here. My therapist is proud. So is his. They've been coaching me to stop protecting him from his own behavior.

Nicole went to her bestfriend's graduation last night. I know it was bittersweet for her because she should have been graduating this year as well. She was great about it though. And she looked so pretty. She actually took off her combat boots for a night. Here she is:

This is my goth girl extraordinaire! For her to show leg is amazing. The kitty is Samhain (pronounced Sow-ein) but we call her Sam. She is Nicole's constant companion. Niki would love to put her on a leash and take her everywhere but I don't think Sam would appreciate it.

So she had a fabulous night and I had the house to myself. Too bad my phone and DSL were down. I ended up taking a nap. Aren't I exciting??

Since school is out I'm finding it hard to get motivated so I'm trying something new. I bought a day planner and I'm going to start scheduling art and writing so that I know I'm making time for it. My therapist thinks that if I treat it like an appointment, I'll keep it. So I got me a new planner at Staples yesterday and I'm going to try it out. I do believe that if I stay on top of it, it will work.

Musings

Zach's in respite and will be going to the Bridge program this morning for a 45 day assessment of his needs. He is not happy and is playing up the remorseful child mode to the hilt. What he doesn't realize yet is that my heart is harden to that ploy now. I know I'm doing the right thing for him. He needs more structure than I can provide because he thinks that now that he is bigger than me, he doesn't have to listen to me or follow my rules so his behavior is out of control. I can't let it continue or he will be unable to pull himself back from the wrong path. I have to let him hate me for the time being in an effort to ensure his safety from himself.

The Iris above is outside my front stairs. The blooms weren't there just a couple days ago and now I have about 6 beautiful flowers. I haven't really done any landscaping since I bought the house almost 9 years ago so I don't remember where these came from but I'm not complaining. They are so beautiful. I absolutely love purple and yellow together.

I went back to work in the gallery yesterday. It was nice to have a couple weeks off (not that I actually work hard there very often). I hadn't been on campus since my last final on May 17th. I am on the Dean's list for this past semester. I got an A in Critical Survey of Photography, B+'s in Art History II and Photojournalism, and a B- in Basic Design II. Given my attendance due to Zach's issues, I am pleased. I missed a lot of Design classes and was late on 2 projects. The last 2 projects were completed on time though. I am amazed that I did so well with all the garbage going on at home. I am proud of myself. Here's the final project for Design. I had done a photo essay on abandoned property and found a site where there was a lot of TV's and computers thrown off a small bridge to the train tracks below. I used a lot of items from that spot to create this 3D assemblage. It was a lot of fun to put together.

Spring has sprung

My friend Lisa knew I was having a horrible time with Zach over the past few weeks so she brought me a bouquet of flowers. This picture is from that bouquet. I was practicing using the macro mode on my digital camera. I have a ways to go. This camera is complicated. I miss my Olympus SLR film camera. It was the easiest camera to use and I always got the picture I wanted. I was rarely disappointed. The only problem it had was a crappy on camera flash. The flash on my Fuji is actually pretty good. I can use it and get a better shot at times. On camera flashes don't usually enhance the photo but this one has it uses.

Zach

He's my sweet boy that keeps breaking my heart. The past two weeks have been the worst yet and we haven't even been to court for the arraignment. He's coming apart on me and I don't know how to hold him together. He has made every bad decision possible from lighting fires to being with friends who shoplift to running away. There's so much more but I don't want a laundry list of his misdeeds here. I want to help him so badly before he makes a choice that can't be undone. I have turned to every state agency that is suppose to be there for troubled kids and been turned away. I am scared to death that they will not act until he has hurt himself or someone else. I did finally scream loud enough to get DSS to secure a date for him to go into their Bridge Program. He starts next Thursday and DMH is going to have a respite spot for him on Monday but in the meantime, I am having to watch him like a hawk because every time he has left the house lately, he's been brought home by the police (who refuse to arrest him for some reason beyond my understanding). I love this child so much and worry that my love is not enough. It cannot keep him safe when he is spiraling out of control. He needs to be in a locked medical facility so his meds can be analyzed and adjusted as well as getting a definitive diagnosis but that can't happen without the cooperation of a Crisis Team. They claim he doesn't meet their guidelines. I'll sue them first if something happens that could have been prevented if they'd only listened to me.

School is winding down

Today was the last day of classes. Wow! This semester has flown by. I am amazed. I did my final critique in Photojournalism yesterday. I'm glad to have one final out of the way. I have three more to go. Art History is Monday, Critical Survey of Photography is Tuesday, and Basic Design II is Wednesday. They are spread out nicely.

The final for Design is a 3D assemblage project. I'm using a gutted computer monitor as my container. I had found one during my photo essay for my photojournalism project but my friend Michael threw it away last week when he was cleaning out my garage. He obviously didn't realize it was an art piece waiting to happen. :~) Thankfully I had a 10 year old monitor sitting in my art studio so Nicole started gutting it for me the other day. I have some great found objects that I'm going to use for the assemblage and I've done transfers of photos I've taken of urban decay that I'm going to use like wallpaper inside. I plan to have CD collages hang inside and have a light in the back (or on the bottom) to hopefully illuminate the back of the CD's and cast a cool glow within.

The other two finals are written so I will be studying this weekend. The Art History final includes a lot of paintings and sculpture that will have to be identified and there will be two comparison essays. They are tough but at least I know what to expect. Critical Survey is going to be a mystery. His tests to date have all been different. He gave me an A on the first response paper I submitted so I'm fairly confident that I come out with a decent grade overall. I have a good average so far. I will miss this semester and I will also be so glad when it's over.

Praying to the "Good Grade" Goddess...

Another Crisis

We ended up in the ER again. It's not where I wanted to be. He threatened to hurt himself but wasn't serious. I called the police because he went after his sister with the knife. I asked them to arrest him so I could show the world that he needs help. He was so mad at me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But the police in their infinite wisdom decided he needed to go to the ER because there were marks on his neck. So once again I wasted an entire night sitting and waiting only to be told to take him home. No crisis here ma'am. In whose eyes??

This crisis counselor at least gave me more information on programs to insist DSS refer him to. They have residential treatment homes where Zach would get the help he needs and be forced to practice the coping skills so that he doesn't reach for a knife everytime the least little thing goes wrong. It would appear I'll be seeking for a lock box or a way to lock one of my cabinet or drawers so the knives remain off limits. I can't believe I'm living this way because of a 12 year old.

And the 17 year old is acting is like a 5 year old so this is just so much fun. Can a mother divorce her children?? She provokes him incessantly and then complains about how he treats her. Funny, he learned at her knee. She was so abusive to him when he was smaller than her. Now he's bigger and can fight back and she does not like it. Life as their mom is not what I bargained for most days.

Zach's back!

Zach left for respite on Monday afternoon and I picked him up this morning. We took about a half hour before I dropped him off at school to reconnect and for him to fill me in on how the experience was. He was staying in a residential treatment program run by DSS even though his placement for respite was through DMH. The boys there were not the best behaved and a few of them had to be physically restrained. Zach was witness to this and did not want it to be him. He claims to have a new appreciation for home and mom. I am quite sure it will be short lived but I'll take what I can get.

Crisis at my house

How does something as simple as sharing a computer turn into a crisis? Make my children the two people sharing it. We ended up with police and an ambulance and a crisis intervention over using the computer.

What's even more unnerving is the fact that our local crisis team refused to admit my son after he made two actual suicide attempts/threats. They sent him home saying he's not in crisis now-about 2 hrs. later (I'd been able to get psych meds into him before we left for the hospital - my bad). This is not the first time they have done this. Can we say "NEGLIGENT"? And how is it I haven't had a drink in 5 years???

I called the sperm donor on the way to the ER. He couldn't come with us because he'd been drinking at dinner so driving wasn't possible. Lovely! Can we say "Handle this alone Kim??" Oh but he was so concerned that I had to call him back when it was all over.

Meanwhile, child #1 is slowly melting down too. I don't see good things for her in the near future if things don't change. I don't think she's taking what few meds she's on and I so believe she needs to go back on a couple she stopped. Her reactions as of late have been off the charts too.

I have this fantasy of packing my car with my cameras & equipment, my computer, my clothes, and my art supplies. I empty the bank account of whatever is left in there and hit the highway. No destination in mind - I just drive until I can't drive anymore. I call their father as I cross a state line a few states away and let him know I'm not coming back; that he can handle it now. But I won't because I love them and I want them to grow up to be healthy, highly functioning adults. That would never happen under his care. If they are to have a chance at a good life, it's with me and besides, I signed on for life. Maybe I should just take a vacation.

In the meantime, the reception for the art show is Thursday night. It should be fun. The gallery is packed with art literally from floor to ceiling and the art building halls are overflowing as well. The work on display is amazing. Good things are happening in the midst of turmoil.