Peace Pagoda pictures

The Holidays

Here they are - the reason I shop in December. Yes, that is our sad Charlie Brown tree. I just didn't have the energy to do a big one this year and the kids didn't care so all was well. The best part is that I can put it away full decorated and it'll be even easier next year. Aren't I lazy??

Nicole and Zach both had a really enjoyable holiday. Niki was sick in the morning of Christmas Eve so she took the day off from Circuit City. Thankfully all she needed was some rest. She had been working her tail off for the past few weeks along with going to school full-time. I'm glad the holiday shopping season is over. I am so tired of driving to the mall. She has to get her license and a car.

My professors are taking their dear sweet time in posting final grades. I only have one in so far. I got an "A" in Environmental Science. That's a relief. I knew I had done well in the lab but the teacher for the lecture portion hadn't been posting grades so I didn't really know where I was at. I guess I was doing better than I thought. Cool!

So I'm looking forward to 2007 and working on my Bachelor's. I'm making use of my new easel and homasote. I've got another intuitive drawing in process. They are so fun. Here's an example from my final:

Musings

I'm sitting here listening to a woman, Launa Kleiver, read from Rudolf Steiner's Calendar of the Soul. My sweet cat, Myst, is sleeping on the desk beside me, snoring just a little. I reflect on this time of year with a grateful heart. I attended my last class at Holyoke Community College yesterday. I have two finals next Wednesday and my education there will be done. So will my job at the campus art gallery. These are sad transitions for me but I am excited as well to begin the next chapter of my educational adventure.

In January, I begin work on my BA in Art at Westfield State College. I'll be taking two core classes and two studio art classes. It will be a busy semester. The core classes are Intro to Computer Programming (a math alternative) and Women in Modern Organizations (US Diversity). My art classes are Computer Graphics and Electronic Publication Design. They will sustain me as I stumble through the other two. I'm sure I'll do well in all of them but the art classes are what interest me. A couple more core classes and it will be all art classes for me. I can't wait.

I'll be posting some photos in a few days of a beautiful place in Leverett, MA. It's called the Peace Pagoda. Nicole and I went there in October (and I've only just now gotten the film developed). It is one of the most serene and gentle places I've ever been. I could download a low res copy from Snapfish but I'd rather scan them myself at a higher resolution so it'll be a couple days before they come in. I'm anxious to share. Have a great day!

Good things are happening

School is beginning to wind down. I am done with this semester in one month. That means, provided there are no complications, I graduate with an A.S. in Visual Arts/Photography in January. I have ambivalent feelings about this. On one hand, I am so excited to get this degree. I have worked hard for it. On the other hand, I am leaving my educational home. I am registered at a four year school beginning in January. I have my classes scheduled; Computer Graphics 1, Electronic Publication Media, Major British Writers, and Women in Modern Organizations. Getting registered for classes was an exercise in persistence. The Universe wanted to know if I was serious and gave me quite a few challenges. I am happy to report that I overcame each and every one.

Zach got his first report card of the year. He had all A's with one exception; it was a B+. I think I can handle that. He and I had our first "community" visit last weekend. It was so nice to be able to be with him out of that house and away from all those other kids and staff. He and I really enjoyed it. He's home Thursday from 10AM to 8PM. It's also his birthday in addition to Thanksgiving. He's going to be 13. I bought him a new Playstation 2 and his father got him Guitar Hero II which is a game for it. The game comes with a guitar and the game plays like DDR. It's pretty cool because the songs in are really good - lots of old rock.

Nicole started her first job this week. She's at Circuit City as a sales associate. I am so proud of her. She put in a lot of hours over the weekend and even 5 hours last night. She's doing so well. Her birthday is Friday. She's going to be 18. How did my baby get to be 18? She was just a 2 lb 9.5 oz preemie yesterday. It's so inspiring to see the beautiful woman she's becoming from such a difficult beginning. She's also an A student this year (just like last year). She's handling the breakup with her boyfriend really well. I am so proud of her and Zach too. They are both doing so well and growing up so wonderfully.

I'm cooking Thursday which should be interesting since I won't be able to eat much of it; a couple bits of potatoes and a little stuffing. Forget the birthday cakes. Actually, Zach wants banana cream pie instead of a cake but Nicole wants cake. She's a traditional girl. I've lost over 60 pounds so far and am still adjusting to my new stomach. It still gets finicky at times. I'm learning what can and can't have the hard way. It's all worth it. I feel fantastic and I think I'm looking pretty good right now. I do want to lose another 50 pounds though. In the end, life just keeps getting better.

Honors Convocation

Tonight was the Honors Convocation at my college, Holyoke Community College. The Honors Convocation is an event the college puts on annually to bring together the best students and honor their accomplishments. I was privileged to be one of them tonight. I was not expecting the letter that came to ask me to participate. I knew nothing of this program. I was just trying to do my very best in each class I took. The requirements are that you achieve a GPA of 3.5 or higher and you must take 30 credit hours or more at HCC. This is my last semester there and this was a fantastic way to finish off my HCC academic career.

I'm the one in the red in the photo. My daughter and her boyfriend joined me and she was the photographer. It's a pretty good shot considering she was about 100 feet away from me at the time. I love my digital camera - it's a Fuji Finepix S9000. What you can't tell from the photo is that my feet are screaming at me to sit down. I was wearing a pair of heels that have been sitting in my closet for years. Now I know why. I have a wedding tomorrow night and my feet are going to be swollen from walking and standing in those pumps. I so wish I'd worn flats.

Other than that, it was a wonderful evening. I felt so proud of myself and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel guilty for being proud. I've worked hard and it was that hard work that landed me on that stage. It felt amazing to be recognized. Life just keeps getting better and better.

First week of school

School started this week. It's my last semester at this college. In January I will be graduating with an A.S. in Visual Arts/Photography. It's hard to believe I'm here already. Of course, I'm not stopping. I will be transferring to a 4 year school to earn a Bachelor's. I'm not going too far with my Associates.

The first class this week was an art class; Basic Drawing. The teacher was so anal that I spent Wednesday morning rearranging my classes so I could take it with another teacher. Thankfully it all worked out. I do have an evening lab which I didn't want but it's much less an issue that staying in that first drawing class. I've started working on my web design class that I'm taking online and I really like. My Environmental Science class is online too. It amazes me how many courses are offered through online learning. I do like the science class. I want to learn more about this beautiful world and what I can do to make it a better place to live. Art History is awesome too. It's hard to believe that I was panicked January at thought of taking the first Art History class. It's one of my favorites now.

I am constantly surprised at how much better my life is now than 5 years ago when I got sober. I'm losing weight (40 lbs. so far), I'm in college, and I've discovered a spiritual community that sustains me. Life is good!

Labor Day Weekend

It's a long weekend and we've had lots of rain. Tomorrow is predicted to be clear and warmer than we've seen lately. It feels like fall already. Tuesday is the first day of classes for me. I only have one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays; Basic Drawing. I'm a little concerned about this class. Drawing isn't a strong skill for me. I hope that as long as I show up, do the work, and participate in class, I'll be ok. I'm trying to keep my GPA up above 3.5 so I need good grades this semester.

Niki and Zach started school this past week. Zach still doesn't have a permanent placement so he started at his old school. I would love to see him continue there but I know it's no longer my decision. That's tough to handle. He's doing well in the home he's in right now so I'm hopeful that he's going to handle the transition well. He's starting to understand that his behavior is what determines how fast he gets home.

Nicole is doing well and this school year is going to be fun for her. Her school is going to do what they can to get her a college class at my school. I'm hoping she takes a photo or art class. She'll love it.

So I'm relaxing this weekend. I'm going to be really busy until Christmas. It's all good!

Monday again . . .

It's Monday again. It still feels like Friday and I don't know why. I ended a phone call a little while ago and told the caller to have a nice weekend. Oops! My brain is not at full function it seems. I need more sleep.

I saw Zach yesterday. He really seems to be doing well at the new place. We can only visit for one hour a week and he takes full advantage of it; not a minute wasted whining or complaining. I was pleased. He played foosball with his dad (his 44th birthday yesterday) and Dad won. Zach wasn't ticked off. I see growth. This is good.

School starts in 2 weeks. I picked up books for 2 of my classes and the total came to $205. For only TWO classes. Thankfully my art class doesn't have a book but my web design class does. It's not in yet. My Environmental Science class has 3 for some reason. I don't get it. Anyway, it's my last semester there so I'm going to enjoy and make the most of this time with Zach out of the house. I'm thinking of adding an independent study in Photography in addition to the 4 classes I'm taking. Then I think, I'm taking on too much. I won't know until I try so I think I will.

I'm just so grateful for the peace that I've found this summer. I've been horribly unproductive in my art but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. I did have major surgery 8 weeks ago so I guess I should be a little more gentle with myself. I'm down about 35 pounds. I feel so much better. I walked up a lot of stairs on campus today without huffing and puffing. It was wonderful.

Glorious Day

I went to a bridal shower today. Now normally, I despise bridal showers. I don't even like baby showers. I am so not a girly girl when it comes to that stuff but I went because it was for my best friend's stepdaughter and she needed an ally. It was being hosted by the ex-wife and would be filled with all of her relatives. Lisa was relieved to not have to do anything but bring balloons and a corsage (Lisa's a florist - she always brings the flowers). I met her there.

The "party" was held at the ex-wife's friend's house in a suburb on the other side of Springfield. I live on the river side - not so affluent. This house was in a really old, wealthy area. The house was built in 1850. It still had a stone wall in front of it. It was the most charming two story Victorian. There was a front porch reminiscent of the old ante-bellum homes. The hostess, a very nice woman named Marsha, had decorated it with wicker and wrought iron furniture. There were three candleliers hanging that just took my breath away. The front room that opens onto the porch is their music room complete with a baby grand piano. The ceiling was painted with cherubs and clouds. The fireplace was amazing.

The most amazing part was the cellar. Yes, she let us go into her cellar. It was completely remodeled to be a dark pub. The first room as you come down the stairs is a small sitting room with a brick floor and stone walls. In the pub itself were leather club chairs, a wooden phone booth, a bar about 30' long, and a wide screen TV. It would have been a great place to hang out in my drinking days. Hell, they even had Sam Adams beer on tap.

My favorite room was the kitchen. It was long and narrow but all the space was used so effectively. One of the large windows to the backyard had a beautiful window seat. The counters were dark granite and the cabinetry was white. They offset each other perfectly. Half the back wall and around the corner was all windows so you could see out into the wooded back. It was like looking out into a park. They even had a Victorian playhouse for kids that visit. Actually they had about 5 small buildings (shed-like) on the property.

Every time I looked at the landscaping, I found something new to delight in. One area had a bicycle painted white holding flower pots. Birdhouses abounded and trinket popped up from beds of plantings. One old tree sat off from the porch and while it was empty, one could just envision an old fashion tree swing hanging from a huge branch that came straight out perpendicular to the ground and then shot upward about 10' from the trunk.

I felt like I had walked into one of my fantasies. I love old Victorian houses and I love enormous porches, not to mention the park-like setting of the yard. It was amazing. And doesn't it just figure that I forgot my digital camera. I actually forgot all my cameras so on the way I stopped at Big Lots and bought a disposable one. Lisa's going to develop it along with her film so I'll post pictures when I get them.

It was a wonderful 3 hours but I was the first out the door. When Heather finished opening the presents, I booked. I felt bad leaving Lisa but she had 2 of her sisters-in-law to talk to and Heather's future groom was bringing their daughter so she'd have Ava to play with. It felt good to go and it felt good to come home.

I visited with Zach yesterday in another old mansion. He's staying in a house used as a 2 week shelter for kids awaiting placement. I only got to see a small part of the first floor and was blown away. The fireplace in the room where we sat talking had a hand carved mantle and surround that went from the floor to the ceiling. The banister going to the second floor had a hand carved newel post. It was not up to its former glory but it could be. Unfortunately, DSS is a state agency and keeping these homes well maintained is not a priority in their much too small budget. We should know by the beginning of next week where Zach will be living. It's so hard having him gone and it's a wonderful break at the same time. I'm resting and recovering from the surgery still so I'm glad I have this time to myself. I'm just glad he's safe (more from himself than anything else).

This week!

It's been one hell of a week so far. Some good, some bad. Some expected, some surprises. I had Zach with me on Tuesday. He'd been playing football with the guys at the house and the ball jammed his ring finger on his left hand. It was incredibly swollen and bruised. They did not take him to the ER or even call his pediatrician. I took him to his appointment with the pediatric endocrinologist and she took one look and said off to XRay. Sure enough, it was fractured. So he's wearing a splint for the next three weeks.

We went to a meeting after that with his social worker. It was a team meeting with placement specialists. My ex, David, actually made it to this one as did Zach's therapist. He's moving from the house he's at to a two week shelter in Springfield next Wednesday. While he's there, they will be finding him a permanent placement in one of their residential treatment programs. I knew this was coming and had tried to prepare Zach for it but he was still so upset. He keeps wanting us to trust that he will change his behavior but he hasn't done it yet. I don't trust him to be safe. I think this will be good for him.

The good news at the doctor's appointment is that she doesn't feel he has a thyroid condition. She believes his medications are affecting the thyroid tests that have been run. Before the XRay, we went to the lab and had more blood drawn. They couldn't find his vein. It was awful for him. Hopefully it will confirm her feelings. Nicole and I have both suffered from Graves Disease so I don't want Zach to have to follow suit.

Meanwhile, the heat is making life hell. Yesterday, my birthday no less, was the hottest day of the year so far. We hit 100 degrees with 90% humidity. A storm finally hit about 5:30 yesterday afternoon. It was fierce. It blew in three of my screens and knocked stuff all over my porch. There are branches down in the street and my front yard. The old maple in front of my house loses branches with every storm. I've had the city people here to trim it (it belongs to the city, not me) but obviously not enough was removed. My car is parked right next to it so I can keep it shaded. Maybe not the best idea.

But it was my birthday and I had a wonderfully quiet day. Well, I was on the phone with various people for about a total of 3 hours but other than that it was quiet. I only buzzed into work to open and close the gallery and did about 45 minutes at physical therapy (stiff shoulder). I totally relaxed once I was home for good.

Today is starting out oppresively hot. It was 75 degrees when I woke at 5:30 this morning. Yuck! They are predicting more storms today and then we are getting a break from the heat and humidity. Thank Goddess!

Good moon shot - finally

Changes, changes, changes

Wow - life comes quickly. I finished my independent study last week. He gave me an A. I am so amazed. I didn't start printing photos until about 4 days before the critique. I did have the written report and slide show ready beforehand because I could work on those from home while I was recovering but the photos had to be done on campus. Well, until I set up a darkroom (if I do). I am so glad it's over. It wasn't the joyous experience I have had in the past. It was just another obligation this summer; one I was wishing I hadn't put on myself. But it's done and I got a good grade so it was worth it.

I am meeting with the powers that be about Zach's placement tomorrow. They are looking for a residential treatment program to enroll him in. I don't know when my son will come home. This is causing a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm sad that my baby isn't here with me but I'm relieved that he'll be in a place that can keep him safe from himself. He makes such bad choices and can't see that they are bad even though he's suffering major consequences because of them. Ah, the delusion of being an adolescent. I told him yesterday and could see how sad he was. It was heartbreaking but I keep reminding myself that I didn't do this - he did. If I don't get him the help he needs now, it will be jail, not a treatment program when he's 16. I know this is the right decision for him at this point in time.

He's seeing an endocrinologist before the meeting. She's Niki's doctor. I can't believe my kids both have thyroid disease so young. But I was in my late 20's when mine started. I shouldn't be so surprised. I'm hoping his will be easily managed. Nicole's in remission so maybe his will be the same.

My sister-in-law had a colonoscopy done this week. The doctors removed 15 polyps. She's feeling better physically already but it will be mid-August before she finds out if they are benign or malignant. She needs a break. She's contemplating gastric bypass but won't be able to do so if it's colon cancer. Her diabetes is out of control and after the 2 heart attacks, the weight needs to come down. I am praying. Her life expectancy is not good because of her heart so cancer sure as shit won't help. My brother and nephew will be lost without her. She needs to be okay.

On the homefront, the workmen were here to start the insulation. Even though they are blowing it in from the outside, it's coming through cracks in my very old house. We ended up with a huge pile of it on top of my dryer in the cellar. Nicole freaked when she saw it. There are even bits of it in my grass out by the street. It's everywhere! But I will have a home that is much easier and cheaper to heat and cool. Woo Hoo!! I really am blessed. I seem to be able to manifest everything I need. This program is free of charge to me. They are going to replace a few of my windows and get me storms for my Andersen windows. This is so cool.

I saw the weight doctor on Friday. I've lost 28 pounds! Since I started with them almost a year ago, I've lost 4 inches off my waist. My BMI has gone from 44.4 to 39.3. My risks are dramatically reduced. It was so good to hear that. I know I did the right thing but this really helped cement that in my mind. Life is good.

My progress . . .

I went to the post-op support group on Thursday. It was only my second official weigh in since the surgery. In 24 days, I've lost 25 pounds. I can't believe how wonderful this feels. The weight is just melting away. I am still learning to eat in a new way but it's such a small inconvenience compared to living with an extra 100 pounds or so. I am so looking forward to having my healthy body back. I can't wait to clothes shop again without guilt and fear. I yearn for the choices that will be available to me. I am quickly realizing what I left behind when I chose to hide behind all that weight.

I worked in the darkroom yesterday. I haven't done that in a couple months. I ended up printing eight different shots and thought I was all set for the critique coming on Tuesday but then I took one of the prints out of the wash to dry it and found the paper had a yellow block on it. I was too tired to reprint it then. Now I have to go in today or Monday. But I do have my slide show on Dorothea Lange done. Now I need to write a one page biography on her.

I was reading about her this morning. I think she's my new hero. In an age where women were expected to be nothing more than wives and mothers, she set out to create a photography career. She left a bad marriage in the 1930's with two small children and then became one of the best known photographers of the FSA with the help of her true love, Paul Taylor (he became her 2nd husband). She took THE iconic image of the Great Depression, Migrant Mother. Her career lasted until her death. She always took photos. As I contemplate my future education goals, I will keep her example in mind.

Cuckoo Kitty

The future of my family

I spoke with Zach's social worker this morning. He's not coming home. They've extended his stay at the Bridge home until the end of July and from there he's either going to a group home or specialized foster care. I prefer a group home and I'd really like to see him stay in our town now that we have a good school placement for him.

He's going to be devastated. He was so counting on coming home this weekend. He's going to be blown away. I think I should go out there and tell him in person. At least then I can be there to hug him and wipe away the tears that are bound to come. He thinks he's tough but sometimes he's just my little boy, looking at me with those big blue eyes, wanting me to make everything ok again. Only I can't this time. It's out of my hands.

My heart is breaking for him and I'm relieved at the same time. Being only 2 weeks out from major surgery, I was not looking forward to having to worry about him all the time again. Even when he's here for an afternoon visit, I am so worried when he heads out with friends. I don't trust him to make good choices. This will be a good lesson for him at least.

Yesterday's sunset

Surgical Progress

I went to the program Thursday for a post-op support group. It was my first time near a good scale. The one I have is not exactly accurate. I was astounded. I had lost 14.8 pounds from the morning of the surgery. By my scale this morning, I've lost another 4 or 5 pounds. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since my operation. WOW! I should have close to 50 off before the next semester starts. I am psyched!

I feel good and I'm moving really well. I drove all over creation yesterday with Zach. He was home for a visit. The only complaint I have is the gas I get from eating. I am discovering that I also have to eat slower than I'm used to or I get indigestion. I am quickly figuring out how to live as a gastric bypass person.

Zach had a craving for soft-serve ice cream so we stopped at a place. I wasn't going to order anything (duh!) but the girl behind the counter told me that they had sugar-free soft serve. So I got a small (kiddie size) dish and Zach got a medium cone. I got down about a third of my dish. Zach ate the rest. He was amazed at how little I could eat. I calculated that I had ingested about 12 oz. of solid food yesterday. It took 5 meals to get that much down. No wonder the weight seems to be dripping off me.

It's all becoming very real now. Within a year, I will recognize the person I see in the mirror. I haven't for so long. I had the image of myself as one when I was about 30 and relatively thin. This heavy woman isn't someone I know. I am surprised every time I catch my image in a mirror. I am getting the outside to match the inside. It's been so long . . .

As I recover

Yesterday was one of the toughest days yet. The smells of everyone's grills nauseauted me. Nothing I ate agreed with my new stomach. I spent most of the day in bed afraid that I'd throw up. My abdomen was so extended from gas and it was pushing on my new itty bitty tummy. Not good. But I survived. I feel like I wasn't ready for the pureed foods I was taking in. So today I'm going to stay liquid and maybe add one food. Egg doesn't seem to be a good choice so I'll stick with applesauce.

On a good note - I've lost about 10 pounds so far. I'm pretty excited about that. I just need to make sure I guard my health as the weight peels off. And I'm adjusting to life without coffee. I wasn't sure how I'd do but no withdrawals from it. I had switched to the 50/50 coffee for 2 months prior to the surgery in effort to reduce my caffeine dependency.

Zach's come by with his father for a couple of quick visits. He's more interested in finding his friends. We've got a few more days, 10 actually, before they tell me what's going to happen for him. I've been too sick to check in with the house manager so I don't know how things have been going. On my to do list. . .

Life's little update

Well, it's day 7 out from the surgery. I'm able to walk without any discomfort. Sitting up is still a bit sore but gets easier every day. I can see the progress in my recovery. I haven't seen much in the way of weight loss but it's hard to lose weight when you're sedentary. Oh shit - I think I just learned something. Now I'm going to have to use it. Exercise is important. Gee, why didn't I get that before they hit in me in the stomach with a semi?

Not eating is hard though. My food addiction is kicking my ass. Every food commercial I see makes me want to run to the nearest fast food place and pig out. Reason and the fact that I've just had most of stomach cut away has kept me home. Actually, I'm breathing through it like I use to with cigarettes. I know I'm not hungry. I just see it and want it. So now I change the channel as soon as a food commercial comes on. I'm adapting. Actually, I'm changing to the party plan so to speak. I realized yesterday that I had mistaken "fat free" jello with sugar free. I had been eating it and wondering why my stomach wasn't tolerating all that well. I was mortified to see that it has 19 grams of sugar per serving. I'm allowed 8 grams per 4 oz. Mystery solved. Jello to be fed to my son.

My ex is bringing Zach home from a visit today because I can't drive yet. It'll be good to see him and to have a reason to get dressed. I'm going to make them take me to the grocery store. Oh - an outing. :~)

Life is good.

The surgery was a success

Well, I didn't die anyway. The true test of its success will be how much weight I lose. This was a toughy. I felt like the Pat's field goal kicker had used my stomach as target practice the first day. I'm moving around pretty well today but sleeping is difficult. I'm used to sleeping on my side but I can't right now because the weight of my skin pulls at the incisions. So it's onto my back and that leads to snoring which wakes me up. I'm hoping that I can get on my side soon.

The hospital experience was a good one. The nurses were attentive and I had my own room. My doctor from the weight program came to see me a couple times and of course, the surgeon. The only complication was a slight fever and I think that was from my nasal congestion due to my allergies. My BP was through the roof but I know that it will get better as the weight comes off. I have to see my primary about it.

One of my nurses had the surgery 10 years ago and looks fabulous. I do hope I can use this tool appropriately and not push the limits. I have wanted to eat but more out of habit, not hunger. It was hard with the hospital serving everyone but me. I got ice chips the first day, water the second, and moved up to Diet Snapple on the third. It'll be a few more days before I can start having pureed foods. Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to it. I can have sugar-free Jello right now so I'm making some for later. It will feel good to have something I almost have to chew. The protein drink I bought is pretty good so I am at least having something tasty.

So, all in all, it's been a fairly good experience to date. I do think I may drop my independent study so I can just concentrate on my recovery but I'm going to wait until next week to make that decision. Thankfully Amy isn't expecting me back at the gallery for a couple weeks.

Storms followed my emotions

Storms mimicked my emotions over the past few days. They were fierce but in the end, the results were spectacular.

Tumultous emotions

I'm a jumble of emotions. The manager of the home where Zach's is living right now told me that he's not doing very well. In fact, he's showing them all the same behavior that I was seeing. I thought it was just at home but I was wrong.

The hard part is dealing with the idea that he may not be coming home and the mixed emotions I have around that. I hadn't talked to him for a few days because of the conference I was working and participating in over the weekend so when we connected Sunday, I was overwhelmed. I didn't realize how much I missed him. When we hung up, I burst into tears.

I'm really having to grasp that my son may not live with me for a long time. I thought that it was what I wanted when he was here, with behavior I couldn't handle. Now that it's a real possibility, I'm blown away by the idea of it. I want what's best for him, though. If that means that he has to live in a group home with 24/7 supervision and male counselors, then that's what I will advocate for. My needs are secondary in this.

Spirits in Motion

I spent the better part of the last two days at a conference held at my church called Spirits in Motion. It was put together by the Women's Spirituality group that I belong to that's affiliated with the church. We had two women come in to lead both rituals and intensives. I spent today with ALisa Starkweather. The morning intensive was about transformation using breathwork. She took us through an exercise where we worked with the wall we all butt up against; that blocks us from reaching the other side; the brass ring so to speak. In the afternoon session, we worked on how to bring our visions to form. I came away from both with a great deal of inspiration and a deep sense of connection with all the women in the group. It was an incredible experience; especially the Transformational Breathwork™. If you've never done it, I highly recommend you find a facilitator. It was profound. And if you ever get a chance to go to one of ALisa's workshops or conferences, GO! She's amazing with an energy that is powerful and loving and supportive. I am so glad I was there this weekend.

The start of a new life

I saw my surgeon yesterday. It's real now. On June 26th I'm having gastric bypass surgery. I will be on my way to health and fitness again. I am so excited and nervous too. I'm thinking of using this experience as a photo essay opportunity. While I hate the idea of taking my own photo, especially right now, I do think documenting the changes could be really beneficial for all those who are contemplating this life altering surgery. I never thought I'd be one but here I am.

I'm glad I had to go through the classes and attend the support group meetings. It helped me become truly educated about what the surgery entails and what I can expect afterward. It will be a dramatic change but I'm ready for it. I need a major shake-up to end my food addiction. The surgery inhibits the appetite hormones for about 2 years so I will have that time to really learn new ways of coping with my stress. I think writing is the first way to do that.

I'll keep writing about it...

TGIF

I'm glad the weekend is almost here. I've been spackling the gallery this week. We had so many holes in the walls from the last show, the student art exhibit. I'm going in to sand and paint today. I hope we get it done quickly.

Zach's really settling in to the program. He ran home from school on Monday but after hearing about all the horrible things (like lock-up) that await him if he keeps this crap up, he seems to have decided to behave for a while. I hope he keeps it up but if not, I'm ready to let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions. It's taken me a long time to get here. My therapist is proud. So is his. They've been coaching me to stop protecting him from his own behavior.

Nicole went to her bestfriend's graduation last night. I know it was bittersweet for her because she should have been graduating this year as well. She was great about it though. And she looked so pretty. She actually took off her combat boots for a night. Here she is:

This is my goth girl extraordinaire! For her to show leg is amazing. The kitty is Samhain (pronounced Sow-ein) but we call her Sam. She is Nicole's constant companion. Niki would love to put her on a leash and take her everywhere but I don't think Sam would appreciate it.

So she had a fabulous night and I had the house to myself. Too bad my phone and DSL were down. I ended up taking a nap. Aren't I exciting??

Since school is out I'm finding it hard to get motivated so I'm trying something new. I bought a day planner and I'm going to start scheduling art and writing so that I know I'm making time for it. My therapist thinks that if I treat it like an appointment, I'll keep it. So I got me a new planner at Staples yesterday and I'm going to try it out. I do believe that if I stay on top of it, it will work.

Musings

Zach's in respite and will be going to the Bridge program this morning for a 45 day assessment of his needs. He is not happy and is playing up the remorseful child mode to the hilt. What he doesn't realize yet is that my heart is harden to that ploy now. I know I'm doing the right thing for him. He needs more structure than I can provide because he thinks that now that he is bigger than me, he doesn't have to listen to me or follow my rules so his behavior is out of control. I can't let it continue or he will be unable to pull himself back from the wrong path. I have to let him hate me for the time being in an effort to ensure his safety from himself.

The Iris above is outside my front stairs. The blooms weren't there just a couple days ago and now I have about 6 beautiful flowers. I haven't really done any landscaping since I bought the house almost 9 years ago so I don't remember where these came from but I'm not complaining. They are so beautiful. I absolutely love purple and yellow together.

I went back to work in the gallery yesterday. It was nice to have a couple weeks off (not that I actually work hard there very often). I hadn't been on campus since my last final on May 17th. I am on the Dean's list for this past semester. I got an A in Critical Survey of Photography, B+'s in Art History II and Photojournalism, and a B- in Basic Design II. Given my attendance due to Zach's issues, I am pleased. I missed a lot of Design classes and was late on 2 projects. The last 2 projects were completed on time though. I am amazed that I did so well with all the garbage going on at home. I am proud of myself. Here's the final project for Design. I had done a photo essay on abandoned property and found a site where there was a lot of TV's and computers thrown off a small bridge to the train tracks below. I used a lot of items from that spot to create this 3D assemblage. It was a lot of fun to put together.

Spring has sprung

My friend Lisa knew I was having a horrible time with Zach over the past few weeks so she brought me a bouquet of flowers. This picture is from that bouquet. I was practicing using the macro mode on my digital camera. I have a ways to go. This camera is complicated. I miss my Olympus SLR film camera. It was the easiest camera to use and I always got the picture I wanted. I was rarely disappointed. The only problem it had was a crappy on camera flash. The flash on my Fuji is actually pretty good. I can use it and get a better shot at times. On camera flashes don't usually enhance the photo but this one has it uses.

Zach

He's my sweet boy that keeps breaking my heart. The past two weeks have been the worst yet and we haven't even been to court for the arraignment. He's coming apart on me and I don't know how to hold him together. He has made every bad decision possible from lighting fires to being with friends who shoplift to running away. There's so much more but I don't want a laundry list of his misdeeds here. I want to help him so badly before he makes a choice that can't be undone. I have turned to every state agency that is suppose to be there for troubled kids and been turned away. I am scared to death that they will not act until he has hurt himself or someone else. I did finally scream loud enough to get DSS to secure a date for him to go into their Bridge Program. He starts next Thursday and DMH is going to have a respite spot for him on Monday but in the meantime, I am having to watch him like a hawk because every time he has left the house lately, he's been brought home by the police (who refuse to arrest him for some reason beyond my understanding). I love this child so much and worry that my love is not enough. It cannot keep him safe when he is spiraling out of control. He needs to be in a locked medical facility so his meds can be analyzed and adjusted as well as getting a definitive diagnosis but that can't happen without the cooperation of a Crisis Team. They claim he doesn't meet their guidelines. I'll sue them first if something happens that could have been prevented if they'd only listened to me.

School is winding down

Today was the last day of classes. Wow! This semester has flown by. I am amazed. I did my final critique in Photojournalism yesterday. I'm glad to have one final out of the way. I have three more to go. Art History is Monday, Critical Survey of Photography is Tuesday, and Basic Design II is Wednesday. They are spread out nicely.

The final for Design is a 3D assemblage project. I'm using a gutted computer monitor as my container. I had found one during my photo essay for my photojournalism project but my friend Michael threw it away last week when he was cleaning out my garage. He obviously didn't realize it was an art piece waiting to happen. :~) Thankfully I had a 10 year old monitor sitting in my art studio so Nicole started gutting it for me the other day. I have some great found objects that I'm going to use for the assemblage and I've done transfers of photos I've taken of urban decay that I'm going to use like wallpaper inside. I plan to have CD collages hang inside and have a light in the back (or on the bottom) to hopefully illuminate the back of the CD's and cast a cool glow within.

The other two finals are written so I will be studying this weekend. The Art History final includes a lot of paintings and sculpture that will have to be identified and there will be two comparison essays. They are tough but at least I know what to expect. Critical Survey is going to be a mystery. His tests to date have all been different. He gave me an A on the first response paper I submitted so I'm fairly confident that I come out with a decent grade overall. I have a good average so far. I will miss this semester and I will also be so glad when it's over.

Praying to the "Good Grade" Goddess...

Another Crisis

We ended up in the ER again. It's not where I wanted to be. He threatened to hurt himself but wasn't serious. I called the police because he went after his sister with the knife. I asked them to arrest him so I could show the world that he needs help. He was so mad at me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But the police in their infinite wisdom decided he needed to go to the ER because there were marks on his neck. So once again I wasted an entire night sitting and waiting only to be told to take him home. No crisis here ma'am. In whose eyes??

This crisis counselor at least gave me more information on programs to insist DSS refer him to. They have residential treatment homes where Zach would get the help he needs and be forced to practice the coping skills so that he doesn't reach for a knife everytime the least little thing goes wrong. It would appear I'll be seeking for a lock box or a way to lock one of my cabinet or drawers so the knives remain off limits. I can't believe I'm living this way because of a 12 year old.

And the 17 year old is acting is like a 5 year old so this is just so much fun. Can a mother divorce her children?? She provokes him incessantly and then complains about how he treats her. Funny, he learned at her knee. She was so abusive to him when he was smaller than her. Now he's bigger and can fight back and she does not like it. Life as their mom is not what I bargained for most days.

Zach's back!

Zach left for respite on Monday afternoon and I picked him up this morning. We took about a half hour before I dropped him off at school to reconnect and for him to fill me in on how the experience was. He was staying in a residential treatment program run by DSS even though his placement for respite was through DMH. The boys there were not the best behaved and a few of them had to be physically restrained. Zach was witness to this and did not want it to be him. He claims to have a new appreciation for home and mom. I am quite sure it will be short lived but I'll take what I can get.

Crisis at my house

How does something as simple as sharing a computer turn into a crisis? Make my children the two people sharing it. We ended up with police and an ambulance and a crisis intervention over using the computer.

What's even more unnerving is the fact that our local crisis team refused to admit my son after he made two actual suicide attempts/threats. They sent him home saying he's not in crisis now-about 2 hrs. later (I'd been able to get psych meds into him before we left for the hospital - my bad). This is not the first time they have done this. Can we say "NEGLIGENT"? And how is it I haven't had a drink in 5 years???

I called the sperm donor on the way to the ER. He couldn't come with us because he'd been drinking at dinner so driving wasn't possible. Lovely! Can we say "Handle this alone Kim??" Oh but he was so concerned that I had to call him back when it was all over.

Meanwhile, child #1 is slowly melting down too. I don't see good things for her in the near future if things don't change. I don't think she's taking what few meds she's on and I so believe she needs to go back on a couple she stopped. Her reactions as of late have been off the charts too.

I have this fantasy of packing my car with my cameras & equipment, my computer, my clothes, and my art supplies. I empty the bank account of whatever is left in there and hit the highway. No destination in mind - I just drive until I can't drive anymore. I call their father as I cross a state line a few states away and let him know I'm not coming back; that he can handle it now. But I won't because I love them and I want them to grow up to be healthy, highly functioning adults. That would never happen under his care. If they are to have a chance at a good life, it's with me and besides, I signed on for life. Maybe I should just take a vacation.

In the meantime, the reception for the art show is Thursday night. It should be fun. The gallery is packed with art literally from floor to ceiling and the art building halls are overflowing as well. The work on display is amazing. Good things are happening in the midst of turmoil.

More Shit and yet hope too

Zach slept through school yesterday and it's beginning to look like he's going to do it again today. He was up all night and fell asleep 20 minutes ago. It's 5AM. Not conducive to getting up at 6:45 for school. His DSS case worker will be here tomorrow afternoon for our first meeting. This may not go well. But the good news is the change in his medication. She, the clinical nurse specialist, upped the dosage on his Adderall and I gave it to him yesterday afternoon for the first time. What a difference! He was calm, relaxed, and well-behaved. He even noticed the change. He rarely ever sees the difference his meds make but this one was so obvious. I think his problem sleeping last night had a lot to do with a cup of coffee he had and that he didn't get up until 1:30 in the afternoon. I hate when this happens. Nicole used to have this problem too. Her sleep pattern would get disrupted and it would take days to get her back on track. Hopefully he'll be back in sync tomorrow.

Nicole had her pre-op check-up yesterday and everything is good so surgery is on for tomorrow morning. She wants the boyfriend there. I'm so tired of the boyfriend. He's a big guy so he's hard to avoid. I don't want to be tripping over him but hopefully he'll be smart enough to leave for his class at 3PM (in New Hampshire!). His being at the house will let me check in with my professors if she's feeling ok after the procedure. I've missed so much school on Mondays and Wednesdays so it's the same 2 classes that are suffering. Both teachers are being understanding but that will only go so far.

I did the pre-registration for next semester. It's my last three classes. Then I'll have another Associates degree but even more so, a decision. Where to go from here? I know I'm going to continue on. Now it's just deciding where that will be. I've narrowed it down to 3 schools. Smith College, UMASS, and Hartford Art School. UMASS is my least favorite but because of my enrollment at the community college, I'm already accepted so it's the easiest to get into. Smith will look at my academics (3.85 GPA) and Hartford will look at my portfolio (I'm unsure how it looks). I'm not ready yet. :~) I need to do some campus visits and department visits. Smith and Hartford have state of the art photo departments and UMASS doesn't so they are already heads above but UMASS is part of the 5 college consortium so I could take classes at Amherst, Hampshire, Smith, and Mt. Holyoke as part of my curriculum at UMASS (can do the same at Smith). I have a lot to take into consideration.

2 photos published in the college paper

Shit, shit, and more shit

This has been a shitty week so far. I went to court with Zach on Monday on the CHINS case for his truancy. Since he'd been suspended twice and missed or was late many days since we were there in January, I knew what we were facing. He had to go before the judge and admit he was a "CHild In Need Of Services" and that meant that legal custody of him would go to the Department of Social Services. I have physical custody however. So this is pretty bad, right? What does my son do? He's late to school the next day and then gets detention for insubordination. Ok. I'm trying to keep it together. Wednesday he tells me he's got another detention on Thursday. I'm thinking "Great - they are not going to like this." but little did I know how that day would unfold. I called home after my last class yesterday and Nicole told me that Zach was home when she got there so I'm panicking. He's going to get suspended for skipping detention. She put him on the phone and he advises me that he didn't serve the detention because he'd already been suspended. Lovely! Sure enough, I come home to find a message on the answering machine from the newly appointed case worker from DSS wanting to meet with me (he doesn't know yet) to go over the details of how this will work.

So what do I do now? His attitude sucks so bad. He refuses to accept the responsibility of his behavior at school. His view is that the Vice Prin. is out to get him. He didn't really do anything wrong. He's not getting it or he is and he's trying to play us. I can't get ahold of his father - naturally. I am so frustrated and don't have a clue what to do.

I'm juggling 4 classes, a part-time job, two full-time kids, and very messy house. My ex does not help with the kids at all and never has. My daughter is having surgery next week. My car is falling apart as are my joints so I'm in physical therapy. Something has to give and I don't know what that will be but I'm guessing it'll be Zach's residence.

Nicole's nervous about next week so Zach's crap is really stressing her out. She doesn't do stress well. She ends up aggravating him even more in her misguided attempts at helping him see the light and we end up in WWIII. That I haven't had a heart attack is such a blessing.

So I keep breathing as deeply as I can and putting my faith in a Divine Source that will lead us to the highest good for us all. Whatever comes of this will make us stronger. I have to believe.

I'm published - photographically

I signed up to do photography for the student newspaper on campus and last month they assigned an event to me. It was Black History month and the campus was hosting a Black Invention Exhibit. At the exhibit, many groups of children came and performed essays and poems as well as double dutch. I took a couple of great shots of the kids and they ended up on the front page of the next issue.

I am a published photojournalist!! I am so excited. I have been experiencing a host of firsts and this one is precious to me.

The exam results

I passed both but one much better than the other. I got a 98 on the test in Critical Survey of Photography and about a 78 in Art History II. I missed out on points on the second essay because I was out the day he discussed one of the sculptures that was being compared; Mary Magdalen by Donatello. Oddly, I got 6.5 out of 10 without being in class for the lecture so I felt really good about that. I got 8 out of 10 on the first essay and 12 out of 14 on the slide id's. Overall I was extremely pleased. If I do better on the remaining 2 tests, he'll lower the effect of the first test on my grade so I have a chance to get an A. I'm trying to keep my GPA up. I'm at 3.85 right now and want it to stay there. It'll help me when I transfer.

Midterm in Critical Survey tomorrow. I am not ready. I'll be studying tonight!

Testing

I survived the first exams in Art History II and Critical Survey of Photography. They were Thursday and Friday of last week. I'm glad they're over and now I know what to expect on the rest of the tests. Whew!

College

The new semester has begun. I have a full course load and I'm worried. I love the challenge college offers but at the same time, it can be so overwhelming. My art history class is going to be tough. I'm just wanting to get through it. I have a photo art history class also. That will really keep my attention. I love photos. I have photojournalism right after it and have Frank Ward for the first time. He's a very engaging teacher. We did a photo shot the other day. He was being paid to shot a new employee on campus so the class was able to go along with him and take our own shots. I took 30 and I hope to get at least one or two that are decent. My tripod broke so I had to hold my camera. I also don't have a professional flash so I had to use the one my camera came with. I took the shots both with and without the flash to increase the chance that I'd get a good one. I'm anxious to develop the film to see how it came out. The last class I have is Basic Design II with Amy's ex-boyfriend. We'll be working with color and paint so it should be good.

In the meantime, I'm looking for a college to transfer to next January when I graduate from HCC. I could transfer now since I just graduated from STCC but I want the AS in Visual Arts. My degree from STCC is in Business Admin and that's not where I want to be. I'm looking at the Univ. of Hartford - Hartford Art School, Smith College, and UMASS. I can't go far since I'm tethered to my children and my house. I could rent out the house but not the kids so driving distance it is.

I'm so amazed at myself. I finished that degree. I started my college education at STCC in January 1979 as a very scared 18 year old girl. I had no idea where I was headed or what I wanted. No, that's not true. I wanted to party and I wanted to be loved. I spent the next 22 years pursuing both. I didn't accomplish the college education and I didn't find my one true love. I did have two fabulous kids (most of the time) and become an alcoholic. A true underachiever. Well, I'm still a mom but now I'm almost 5 years sober. I had stopped 2 courses shy of the degree after starting and stopping so many times. This time I pushed on. I looked at all the ways that I had sabotaged myself, afraid more of the success I could have than the miserable life I was existing in. I faced my demons and decided that when I returned to college in the fall of 2004, I would finish the degree I started even though I didn't want it anymore. It would be a gift to myself. I would finish something that was scary.

I was afraid to move too far ahead of my humble beginnings. My mother, a very bright woman, was married and pregnant when she graduated high school. Higher education was never part of the equation. My older siblings struggled with basic education so college was not part of their future plan. I was the shining hope and a lot sat on my shoulders. I didn't think I was up to the challenge or the honor so I made excuses on why I couldn't complete my education. Well, my mom is gone. The man I thought was my father is dead and he's not my father. My real father isn't a part of my life. My older sisters aren't a part of my life and my younger brother is proud of anything I do as are my kids. So here I am doing this for me. As it should be. I am so proud of having this degree. I got out of my own way and did it. How cool is that? I can't wait to see what I end up doing when I grow up. . .